I feel like a lot of things are out of my control. Things that I want complete control over. And while I am aware that total control is a fallacy, my life has functioned thus far with me being able to steer at least a few things.
I was on vacation for about a week and in that time – the lives of the people closest to me have ben upturned, and I was nowhere to be found in terms of support. More than anything, this is eating me up. I feel helpless in a way that I haven’t in a long time. I would like to say I’m handling it well, but I’ve done nothing but cry all day.
I know I want to grow – I want to be a better person, but I also would like for all the hardships to not happen at one time. I want a break between getting my heart broken, cutting people off, and seeing people who say they love me utterly disappoint and abandon me. I want a moment to just be happy beyond a week of escape through paradise. And I want the people around me to have the same. I want them to have a break – I want them to be happy, and right now – this isn’t the case. A lot of my framily is suffering in the worst ways, and I want to fix it all. I want to suck it up in for them and make it better, and I can’t. I can’t do anything, and that is debilitating.
But…because there is always a but!
I know it will get better. Life is funny that way. We go through these trying moments, seasons, and phases that feel impossible, and every single time we make it out, things seem so much more feasible and we are that much more powerful. Not because we almost didn’t make it, not because we faltered, and even fell; but because we saw it through – highs and lows – to the end and we made it. So while my tears today seem plentiful, a flower in me will bloom because of it.