I was never the pretty or popular kid growing up. I was the kid who got expelled a few times for fighting, and who loved to fight; particularly boys. I had a need to knock them about. I’ve worked that. Anyway, I never had a lot of girlfriends. My first one was a new neighbor named Amber. She thought I was different or weird; at least that’s what I thought. The first time I met her, it’d been dark outside, and when we hugged a bat flew right between us. It was one of the coolest things that’s ever happened to me. I also remember that I never asked her to spend the night at my house, and every time I stayed at her house it always smelled like some sort of gummy bears. One of the things I always loved about Amber is that she pretty much took me for who I was. In fact, she’s the one who actually helped me change my laugh, my snorting used to be out of control!
Regardless I’ve never had the luxury of learning girl speak or reading between the lines. I am deficient in both areas. I never was quick when it came to learning social cues, although to many looking in, the story may seem different. I was blessed though. Even though socially I felt inadequate, I’ve met quite a few people who were worth the while. My problem is whenever I have good vibes, I feel like that person is going to be a friend, or at the very least an acquaintance. Socially, at least from a logical standpoint, this is stupid. There is no way you’re going to make friends with every person you click with. In many areas I feel very adult, but when it comes to this I feel like a child, and it makes me sad, which makes me feel stupid.
Losing friends or people I thought were my friends is still something I cry about. It’s one of the few things that will fracture my insides. For me, friends were a happy escape from a life I didn’t want and constantly wish I didn’t have. They were like the live version of books for me. Each person has a story to tell, a different life, and problems I took pleasure in helping them with.
One thing I’ve noticed, or at the very least was told, is that boys, not always, would stop being my friend for one of two reasons. One, I’m intimidating. Two, they think I like them and they don’t want to say they’re not interested. I find number one to be ridiculous. I don’t know a single reason why anyone would be intimidated by me, maybe in my youth, but that’s more than 8 years ago now. For two, I laughed. Hysterically. One guy was rather honest when he told me this, & I, as sweetly as I could, told him there’s no way I liked him. He was shocked. Through some conversation, I learned why he thought I did like him. Flirting, being handsy, and apparently my honesty led him to believe I wanted to be in a relationship. Syke.
Again, I’m socially inadequate so I didn’t even realize I was doing all that, and I didn’t think that it meant I’d like the person even if I did do those things. I never thought I was a flirt. I labeled myself one because others labeled me one. I’ve always just said what I thought. If someone was handsome, I’d say so, why wouldn’t I? The first serious boyfriend I had would eventually kill that. After repeatedly telling me that only whores flirt, or blantanly calling me a whore for complimenting or being touchy I learned to stop doing it; albeit that I was a virgin. With that said, obviously I was not the person I am now, but then I accepted a lot of things that I shouldn’t have in a search for something I didn’t know I even wanted at the time. The handsiness is easy to explain. After being hit, beat, and for a while completely against people touching me, I found that I actually liked the feel of other peoples skin. (It’s why I’m so big on cuddling now. Although I’ve found guys believe this is the gateway to catching feeling’s. Spare me.😑) I liked it a lot so I started touching people: a lot, I’m sure some of my friends probably got annoyed. This is another habit that was broken for the most part by the same boyfriend, go figure. And honesty? That’s just me. I don’t like lying to people. Even when I do it, I turn around and tell the truth, except about my feelings, I always lie about those.
Bottom line, I’ve always felt that there’s something wrong with me because it seems easy for people to pass judgement, and/or toss me aside. Over the years I’ve gone back to doing the things that I like. Like telling people I like their face, or smell, or whatever, and being touchy. People still judge me for it, but at this point I know why I do it so on that note they can bite me. I know what I am and I’m okay with who I am (for the most part). I’d much rather be an affectionate cuddle monster than cold and unhappy.