Lying in bed at night is one of my worst and happiest moments of the day. Happiest because it feels great to be in bed, heating pad turned on, and pillows tucked just right. It’s the worst because my mind doesn’t stop whirling. I’ve been on vitamins for over a month to help with this inability to shut down. My nervous system began crashing, but that’s not the point. Or, maybe it is. I question, after having a whole day to contemplate these deep thoughts, why do I wait until I need to rest to allow them audience. But I don’t. I think all day. I wonder all day. I see scenario after scenario, storyline after storyline, and its exhausting.
I am currently on day 6 of a migraine. That’s 6 straight days. The first day I was irritable. By day 3 I was having a hard time speaking and concentrating. Driving was 100% out of the question. Work was out of the question. I had nothing but time to think. In all that time, it seemed all I really did was stress. It was supposed to be a time for me to relax and de-stress to take some of the pressure off of my nervous system, I failed. Sadly, I keep failing in this area.
I’ve always been a fan of documentaries and TV shows on discovery my whole life. I watch person after person hurting themselves, and I always say “that wouldn’t be me, I’d never keep doing that if it was killing me”. Yet here I lay. Damaging precious nerves. Stressing. Helping the headache, feeding it, and I don’t know how not to.
Everyone always says, don’t stress. Nobody ever tells you HOW to not do that. What do I do? What stops stress because I’d love to stop worrying. I’d love to be happy, stress free, and healthy. Because I’ve found, the more my physical health decreases, the more my affinity with my struggle with depression increases. The two together and you have a cycle cocktail of pain; physical and mental. The battle is often now a minute to minute struggle. Choosing, fighting to not wallow, fighting to not explore the darkness that, honestly and truly, feels like a turtle neck too many sizes too small. It chokes, but gives just enough space to feel like there may be hope until the next breathe and you feel the restrictions, yet again. At least once a day for the past month I’ve had that feeling. So, is it at all surprising that the moment before sleep is so complex?
What I do know, I’ve found one specific thing to help, even if it’s only a little. Music. My best friend created a playlist for me over a year ago when my struggle with depression was getting the better of me. College trauma. But on the nights when I can’t quiet the noise, In His Presence gives me other sounds to focus on. It gives me something to set my mind on that’s positive and uplifting. So, with all that said… Even though it’s been rough, I still have the happy.