Friendship or Lack Thereof

I’m sorry I’m not a better friend. I imagine from the outside looking in, I look popular or at the very least well loved. From my perspective I often feel alone. I don’t blame my friends for this but I have to ask myself is it because I’m not a good friend. I don’t text them as much as I should, but I don’t do it on purpose. Near death experiences have a way of changing your focus. My health and my finances have been my top priorities, except on the weekends and then my only priority is to have fun and relax. This, is selfish. I am living a selfish life. Regardless of my reasons I know I have to do better. But towards who?

Another important question that I ask. I have friends I’ve known 8+ years who never visited me when my school and house were only an hour and a half away. Is that acceptable? But, why didn’t they come? What about their lives….i try to have perspective. And now that I’m home. The same friends who I haven’t seen since graduating? Are you really that busy? Didn’t you just call because we were in the same mall but no attempt to see each other and hug for 5 seconds was made… Why? Is this what our friendships have boiled down to? It’s always this same group that raises these questions so I learned to be there and be distant. I learned that each person loves differently and you have to accept that person for who they are. Even when you want more from the friendship. If you can survive without the wanted things, is that really a friendship or holding on when you should let go. More questions.

But then you have the friends you meet in college. A time when you think, I have my group I don’t need to add anymore people. Little did I know. I was so unfulfilled with the way my main group had become. Not due to them but because of where I was in life. None of us are on the same path or track anymore. And it’s not in the way where…. Anyway. Staying on track. The college friends. You meet them and you click. You unclick. You latch. You detach. You’re raw. You’re guarded. You go through all these different phases and relationship types until you settle. Like a home in its plot for 5 years. The walls have cracked and leaned to the spot they’ve found worth staying in. You’re content. What about those friends.

Do you still text them like you live down the street, like you’re still working on campus, eating food in the cafe, or do you fade out like the credits to an amazing movie. Dragging while also speeding past. Playing a song you hope they all remember as you each wait to see if there is an added scene. Is this real?

When did I become this worrisome person. When did I become so timid and afraid. I say these things to myself, but can I articulate them to those it concerns. Can I look at my friend and tell her the words she said that one night have diminished our entire friendship. Is that even fair. Because I always am afraid of being unfair. As selfish as I am, I feel a lot of fear concerning what my actions mean to those I love. Who’s to say they don’t feel the same way. Who’s to say my friend isn’t worried if we’ll ever be the same. Or if my other friend wishes I had said, “hey where exactly are you, I’ll come say hi real fast”, and why didn’t I?

I’ve recently made a facebook post about how I’m accepting that my feelings get hurt rather easily. I say this to point out I’ve had a history of lashing out in anger when I’m in pain, sad, or have hurt feelings. As I understand, it made it hard to love me. Now that I’ve accepted that about myself, I want to improve it. I strive for perfection. I want to be an amazing friend. I want to have balance included in that. I want to care for my friends AND care for myself. I want to talk to them about things that matter to me and have them do the same. I need to have one, at least one, that I can tell my deepest thoughts to. So far, no one fits that for me. I barely whisper those things to myself.

That is on me. I will myself to stop being so AFRAID. Afraid of judgement, rejection, bad comments, hatred, arguments, hurting someone’s feelings, conflict, or any negative consequence. Fear. It is a common thread in my posts so far. I am disgusted with myself, but also proud that I am finally admitting the truth. Without fear, where could I find my courage?

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