I sometimes label myself an old soul. Not because of multiple characteristics, although if I put some thought to it, I have a few distinguishable old soul traits. What really makes me feel this way, is my inability to cut people off without warning. It is my inability to easily and freely detach from others. I wonder, often, why it is so easy for people of my generation and those after us to detach from people. Why are so many, so heartless. And then the question remains, are you really heartless or trying to hide the pain that consumes you? I get it. If it’s the latter, that used to be me. But I would rather love hard, make friends, be betrayed, and have my heart shattered than feel nothing. I’d rather have the pain than run anytime I feel afraid, or feel like there may be an unwanted situation.
It seems so easy for people. One day you’re cool, you’re texting, you’re calling, you’re hanging out, and then one day they don’t have time to chill, your calls go unanswered, and texts…what texts? The sad part is, many of us have experienced this but will still turn around and do it to someone else. This, in my opinion, comes from this mindset that you treat people how you’re treated instead of treating people how you WANT to be treated. I feel it was worded that way for a specific reason. Seeing how doomed our society is due to treating people how they treat us, it would make sense that it’s the wrong course of action. I say this as someone who has wanted, very badly, to slap the melanin out of someone who has turned my stomach with drama. But. I have no right to treat them poorly. Why? Because who I am doesn’t allow it. So why do so many change in order to be able to cause people pain guilt free.
Regardless to put this back in scope. Or in better terms, point out why this matters to me…it is always an experience when I meet someone who’s energy and chemistry matches mine. I am not a cup of tea or coffee that everyone can swallow, so much so that Starbucks would never think to put my distinct flavor in product testing. It used to break my heart that I was hard to be friends with, until I learned that it wasn’t me. I have high standards yes. I don’t allow betrayal of any level yes. I demand respect, integrity, healthy character, and I destroy any kindle of misogyny or sexism I find. I, in all sanity, understand that everyone cannot bear me all or even some of the time. I am okay with this because I love who I am. I love that when people remember me they say “Diamond? Man she doesn’t play that” with that said, finding a kindred spirit is a treat. Like rose flavored Turkish delight, I partake and try to only do small bites. The past has taught me that the truly delectable things in life parish the quickest, so I try to let the moments resonate before it passes completely. Even still. There are times when I forget season, reason, lifetime and take the whole Turkish delight and put it in my mouth. I let my guard down, I fall head over heels in friendship and then. Detach.
I end up left. Wondering what I did. Why the person doesn’t like me anymore. What I said that pushed them away. This is the inner child in me who I allow to flourish and still have a part of my everyday. After a few of her questions I quiet her and try my hardest to not let the real questions bother her. The questions that the hurt person in me often asks. Is it because I’m different. Is it because I’m too strict. Was I too girly. Did I laugh too much or try too hard. I always ask because it doesn’t make sense to lose things you want to keep. That’s when the adult in me steps up and pats hurt me and child me on the back and says that’s the way life goes sometimes. Some people are there for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. I understand that things change, but being the flavor that I am, I always expect some spoken communication of the change; I’ve never been good at reading between the lines. Either way.
We don’t have to be this way.