What Do We Want?

What are we looking for?

Time and time again I see memes that attack women who have men chasing her, but she wants the man who doesn’t want her. Time and time again I see memes about men who are looking for a specific sort of woman, but when you see those people in public they’re sporting women and seeking women who do not fit that mold. So what exactly are we looking for? Are we just sharing these posts to make ourselves look more enlightened, or are we just saying what we want in the future versus what we want right now? Does it matter?

I’d say it does. Because social media isn’t just social media. It was never meant to be a place for people to throw out a fake image of themselves just to receive likes and comments. It was meant for us to connect to each other, to share ideas, to have a venue to create and self-express, and a place to vent. SELF-EXPRESSION. Not CONFORM-EXPRESSION. There is a clear difference. Sharing things that degrade Black women or our beloved Black men just so someone can come on your page and have something to say? Versus sharing experiences that have changed the way you look at our Black women and men and saying what it is you hope to get from that. The point is so many people are caught up in social media fame that they forget that the people who see your page are connecting to that being you’re giving them. When I post, I post me. I post things that sit with me. I post things that when people see me, speak to me, and get to know me, they will know that my page is definitely mine, and represents a lot of my ideas.

Now, with that being said, how do we fall for or connect to people based on social media? Like that one guy you met at a party, exchanged numbers, hung out with once, and stalked his entire Instagram. Who he was in person, and the person he portrayed himself to be were not exactly the same. Does that mean he lied or is there more to him than those short encounters allowed you to see? We have so many faces. Beyond double consciousness, I find that we have this alternate reality within ourselves that tells us who we really are can’t be accepted so we find bits and pieces to hide away. If you ask me why relationships are failing, that would be one of the reasons I would give you. How can we know what we want when we hide from ourselves? When we fake for social media? When we share and post controversial things just so that someone can notice us?

A great example for this (and by this I mean seeing someone for who they really are) is someone who I lovingly call Bear. He doesn’t know I call him that, but I’m sure he will after this article (lol). When I first met this cat we didn’t seem to have anything in common, the first words we ever spoke to each other had been rude. I wanted to smack him, but I was also intrigued by his attitude and well, his girth. He was thick and I find that I love me a thick man, especially a thick Black man. The next time we spoke, it was at his house during a party. And the time next time, at his house during a party, but this time it was different. Something was wrong, and my insides felt like mush; not in the good way. By the end of our conversation, I was pretty sure I’d break down into tears, but when you have someone who trusts you with private information, information that hurts them more than it could ever hurt you, you don’t break. You stay strong for them so that they can depend on you and lean on you for strength. Long story short, because this is a very long story for me, we connected when I got to see him at a vulnerable time. It was when he let me see who he really was that I found, hey, I can actually be friends with him.

The ability to feel that way and have it pan out to an actual bond is something that I have never taken for granted. We haven’t seen each other for months, but let him call me and I’m there. When I find myself in need of honest truths, support, or just fun I call him because I know without a shadow of a doubt he has my back. There is nothing in this world like someone showing you who they really are, showing you parts that they don’t show other people, and allowing you to be there for them. That is a gift that a lot of people feel is actually a burden. It’s not. There are people who are legitimately alone, and have no one that they can depend on or confide in. To be that for someone, their peace of mind, even if it’s only for a piece of their mind? I would go back and feel all the pain I felt with him just to be able to be supportive. I know a lot of people now who wouldn’t and don’t see it that way. I know people who would have never tried to get him to open up or asked questions. But what did it cost me other than some secretly shed tears? And what did that small sacrifice allow him?

Although this has taken a serious turn away from social media, the point still remains the same. We have to get more comfortable being who we really are so that we can know what we truly want. Stop hiding behind all these fears. Stop hiding behind the possibility and almost assured pain that will ensue from being so openly and unapologetically yourself. I myself have been wilting at the edges, the destruction spreading through the veins of my flower slowly but painfully. Hiding. But that ended two days ago. I find that even through the nerves, I’d rather say, be, who I am than continue hiding and placating my inner Queen to be “well liked”. Since this is getting long, I think I might end it here and carry on My Inner Queen later. She seems to have something more to say.


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