Today I learned that I have a serious issue that I still need to work. I had thought I was okay in this area, but clearly I am not. As an adult, I look back on my childhood quite often; maybe too often. I’ve been in therapy off and on since 2011 because of issues I’ve recognized through time. As I grow more comfortable with blogging, I’m sure those issues will make their way to a post. The main issue I’m going to focus on today is my issue with misunderstandings. Growing up I was what is now defined as abused. I don’t talk about it often, and I’m pretty sure this is my first time publicly writing about it. Nerves. Often times those beatings or knock abouts were because of my attitude. An attitude I felt I was due because of certain events and because of how I was treated by certain people. This is what I’ve grown to understand as misunderstandings. When adults think you’re getting smart for no reason, fighting for no reason, mad for no reason; attitude. Or even when they think the reason was something related to regular childish things; attitude.
Did I have an attitude. Heck yeah. The way I remember myself is as a child who was cold hearted. Angry. Bitter. Aggressive. And violent. This could also be in part because that’s the sort of feedback I was consistently being fed. It sticks with you. Sadly, I don’t harbor a lot of happy memories from when I was a kid. A lot of it has been tainted or erased in an attempt to forget things I’d rather not remember. I’m pretty sure I had a good childhood otherwise I’d be a lot more damaged, I just blocked a lot of things out. I said this to give background, I have no need for I’m sorries or pity parties at this age. My point is, today I almost lost an acquaintance due to my 0-100 reaction to having a misunderstanding. We were having a discussion and we weren’t on the same page. Not to say we had to agree, but we were almost in different chapters, which to me is a lot worse and can be damaging to a relationship. Disagreements are natural, but when you have discussions and aren’t meeting for that discussion in the same area things become misconstrued. She didn’t know this was a tough area for me, but we talked and I must say I appreciate her kindness and ability to understand where my anger came from and forgive me for it. Now, she shouldn’t have to know. I should’ve stepped back and tried to see why we were going in circles. If I had I would’ve recognized what she was saying relative to what I was saying. I would’ve seen that she wasn’t disagreeing and neither was I. We were just in different chapters.
Sometimes we don’t know why a person responds the way they do. We take it for granted that we may have known someone for years, known them back when, or may not even know them at all when we make judgment calls. This not just opened my eyes to an area where I need progress, but also reminded me that hurt people, hurt people and I don’t want to be in that category.