The last couple weeks I’ve been having a hard time. Health wise, the fatigue has been overwhelming, my mind has been foggy, and I’m frustrated. I’ve noticed that even when I talk about basic things now a days, I can’t find certain words, or I can’t focus enough to get what I’m saying across. As someone who likes to be articulate, I find it to be embarrassing that I have to take time to construct a thought. I know it’s temporary, so I try not to be overly upset about it. The last week or so I have been beating myself up a lot though. Questioning my motives, my moves, and what I’m doing with my life and time. I have no direction right now. For a little while, I was at peace with this, but lately I find myself to be overwhelmed with the infinite possibilities available.
Why don’t I know what I want to do? Or do I know what I want and I just don’t know how to do it? Because if I could, I’d write all day and make a living that way. I’d travel and write about the places I’ve ventured too. I’d take beautiful photos and try to figure out ways for others to have or enjoy those experiences. That’s what I would love to do, but is that feasible? How can I make that happen? I also love to edit. I mean really love it. I like reading people’s work and marking it up, making suggestions, and asking questions about the text. It’s one of the main reasons why I worked at TRiO Learning Center. So I could edit people’s papers (although they are a bit different from fiction works). How can I make this happen for a career?
I made a list for what I want for a job. The different options or interests that I have. I’ll be taking the time to meditate on that until a clear picture is formed in my mind. I often wonder if anybody else has it all together or if I’m in the minority here. The traveling a road and not knowing where I’m going seems to be the way I’ve gone through my whole life, but how do you plan? I ask this because people often say, “I have a plan” “You need to make a plan”, but me, how do you do that? Life is so uncertain. How can I say in 5 years, this is where I will be, I have NO idea. Is the plan supposed to tell me? Is trying to plan supposed to give me an idea? Am I supposed to go make this plan based on what I want in life? I wasted 25k to go to college because it’s what you’re supposed to do. 25k but owe 31k. The additional money is money I didn’t even spend, but let me not even go into the conspiracy of college and why it costs so much.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m lost. But I also don’t know where I’m going. I know I want more. I want to have the job of my dreams, I just need to figure out what that is!