Negation

I never saw myself as the marrying type, but it seems like lately I think about settling down. I have surmised, with the help of my friend and mentor, that I feel behind the curve. Like everyone has children and are getting married, and I’m over here chilling, and figuring out a solid budget. Sadly, I think I’ve been in something of a baby fever. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I am feeling the tug on my uterus. I’m only 24. My mentor gut checked me today when we talked about this. I needed to regain focus, I’m too young to lose all of this glorious freedom that I have, there was absolutely no reason for me to rush myself into even more responsibility.

The more we talked, the more in depth we got. One of the things she’d brought up was my stagnant living concerning my passions. She’d noticed that all my talk of graduate school, moving, hanging out with friends (quality time), and making music stopped. When she said it, my eyes opened so wide. I could really feel the skin tighten. She was right. I hadn’t even realized that I’d shut down pretty much all of my passions. I’ve been stagnant. I imagine this also has something to do with my desire to settle down. I’m incomplete.

Without my passions, there are all these holes growing the more I don’t fill them. They connect and a bigger hole forms, and next thing you know, I feel like a robot. Wake up, eat, work, work, eat, go home, shower, sleep, and repeat. It doesn’t take much thought, much passion, or much of anything really to keep going the way that I am; it’s easier without wanting other things. In fact, I’ve been more at peace by negating my passions. But I realized, it’s not really peace, it’s just the absence of. I can do better though, and talking to her lit me back to life. Although I realize there are things I need to be myself that are missing, I know it’s temporary, and that there are smaller things I can do to nourish those needs.

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