Exploring

When you meet someone new. You usually know right off the bat whether you are interested in them or not. Usually, there are the exceptions where it takes a while and you realize you have feelings for that person. Me, if I didn’t find some sort of attraction to you up front, or had a piqued interest, I don’t push towards having interest. I did this once, and it was a mistake that I will never repeat again.

I dated someone who I had never been attracted to or even really liked. It just so happened that this person was rather persistent and after spending time with him, I found he made me laugh a lot. I’d had fun. I took this fun and continued to build and spend time with this guy. Long story short, it didn’t work out. Many of the reasons similar to why I was hesitant to date him in the first place, but saying no and meaning it is something I have a lot more confidence with now. Although we did like each other and did have fun, it should’ve been more important to me to stick by my initial decision to not date and continue getting to know each other. ANYWAY.

I haven’t met a lot of people who pique my dating interest, but I do crush a lot. I’m one of those people who wants to hug or kiss every pretty person I see. Not to be obnoxious, but because most of the time I’m told I’m pretty, but don’t believe it. With that being said, I figure there are more people out there like me. People who are complimented or get sought after who don’t really feel beautiful, so in my mind, if I hug and kiss each one, they have at least a little more proof that they are beautiful. Blame it on my inner flower child Nana; she’s friendly. When I mix her and my romantic side together, you get string after string of “he’s so purty” “she’s so purty” which I know annoys the life out of my friends; most of them have gotten used to it though. I’ve learned how to moderate over the last couple years, but I like that childish side of myself so I keep it alive.

My point is, when I meet someone who genuinely makes me want to get to know them better, I hardly know what to do with myself. I get nervous, I stutter, and I look like a goof. I used to ask my girlfriends for help because I really didn’t know how to handle a situation where I had adapted actual feelings for someone. Lately I haven’t talked much to anyone about my romantic life, and I find myself figuring it out. I didn’t not talk to my girls for any particular reason, except that I needed to learn to handle these things on my own. They can’t always tell me what to text, say, or do so at some point I have to venture out and fail-succeed in this area myself.

What I’ve learned is, I am shy. I am outgoing. I am: passive, aggressive, quiet, loud, focused, airy, and so many other contradictions. As I grow more comfortable with accepting my complexities as a human being, the better I get at addressing them and responding to them. At parties I have literally been both of each of those things. Whether it’s at someone I know house or not, I have been shy and outgoing. Passive and aggressive. Quiet and to myself, and loud, talking with a lot of people. At any given chance, on any given day I can be air headed and focused. I have also learned that other people feel these things as well. They can be all about something and excited one minute, and the next they could be completely nervous and ready to puke about the same thing.

Now when I meet someone, I don’t hide these things. I let them out as they come and I don’t try and overshadow or make them look less important than other traits. My weirdness, my moods, my mess, is mine, and I’m 100% comfortable with being moderately (getting to be completely) comfortable with them. Now I’m extra dorky when I meet someone. I blush a lot and my voice can get moderately high pitched. It drives me crazy, but it also lets me see the hopeless romantic in me.

That’s also a new discovery (probably only to me as I’m sure the people who know me are going to say). I am a HOPEFUL romantic. I mean it’s absolutely disgusting. Something else I’ve learned: balance. I have to coexist with these different parts of who I am. In order to do that, they each need their own time. If you repress parts of who you are for too long, you become lost and unfulfilled, so why not just be you? Right now, I’m in the practice of balancing. I’m not really sure how to do it, but it seems like I’m getting close to the secret formula. When I do get there, I’ll be sure to share the secret.

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