Overwhelmed

I’m afraid. Today’s doctor appointment has me shook. Not a little, but a lot. When my doctor diagnosed me with early onset MS, I took it in stride. I wasn’t happy about it, but I was relieved to have answers to why my body was in so much pain. I didn’t cry, still haven’t because by the point of diagnosis, I’d been living with the pain for two years. Having a name to it eased the fear of not knowing what’s wrong. I made the necessary changes, and had a positive mindset along the journey. But today, today was hard, is hard.

What got me was that all my progress from my last visit is gone. Can you imagine? I went from almost not needing to take all these pills to having to take more. It was devastating to me, so much so that before I could catch it, a tear rolled down my cheek. I thought I was going to lose it. I wanted to scream, but then I got angry. Not a lot, but enough to curb the feeling of despair. To add to that, after a few questions and tests, my doctor informed me that my there are problems with my brain.

I should’ve recognized it, but I thought my temperament had shifted due to the lack of sleep. I thought it was just my nervous system. Apparently it’s both. My nervous system is spazzing out and I’ve developed dementia, and have a surplus of a chemical in my brain that is proving to be toxic. Those who know me know I already don’t have an over abundance of patience or tolerance. Lately it’s been non-existent. Everything, everything, has been frustrating me.

Things have to change. I can’t tell what’s me and what’s the disease. I can’t tell if my frustration is valid or chemically induced, and that makes me even more frustrated. Right now I just want to not be. I want to not deal with this. I want a regular life, with a happy childhood, where a mess of bad crap isn’t shat on me at every opportunity. I’m pissed man. This isn’t my karma. I didn’t earn this and I know I don’t deserve it. I don’t feel sorry for myself but I am angry. But at the end of the day, my anger, sadness, is irrelevant and I am determined to not let this kill any joy I have left.

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