I’d mentioned before in other posts that I’d realized intimacy is a big deal for me. I’m learning the different faces of intimacy and what they mean to me. It’s not like I’d never had these experiences, some of them I have, it’s just the mind I have now towards them is different. I don’t want to say I took those experiences for granted, but a apart of me feels like I did. Regardless. There’s now.
One form I find I love is intimacy through unsexual touch. It’s just touching someone to touch them. Just to feel their energy directly from them, to feel their warmth, to see how their body releases tension when they feel your skin connect, or the quick smile that passes through them. That’s food to me. Even in terms of my own tension, when I’m touched, the closer the person is to me, the more I have invested, and depending on their place in my heart and life, I will release a certain amount of tension, might even release some emotional garbage I needed to let go of.
It’s one of the main reasons why I’m so in love with the concept of cuddling and sleeping in bed with someone who will touch you and breathe your air (although normally that grosses me out- I will literally hold my breathe once I think someone is breathing my air or I’m breathing in their recycled air. I have no idea why it bothers me but anyway). It’s that energy transfer, that constant heat, your ability to stay physically connected to someone for hours without sexual tension, but most of all, your ability to feel rejuvenated when you wake up, even if you’ve only had a few hours of sleep that makes it so important to me. Not to get weird, because to me it’s not weird, but I have a friend. We don’t touch that often. When I looked back to see, I realized outside of certain situations, touching isn’t a habit like it usually is with me (this will be changing only because I’ve noticed I’m missing that part of intimacy, and don’t want to share it with someone else right now). But we still touch. It’s like our energy, or spirit, however you would like to name it, recognizes the other and that’s where the release comes from. Personally I think that’s dope, and it leads me to spiritual intimacy.
I don’t necessarily mean this in the biblical sense of the spiritual, but in the literal sense of my inner being. This, as far as I could see when self reflecting, is the second time that I’ve been able to connect like that with a member of the opposite sex. It’s interesting but I’m still observing, so I don’t want to speak too much on it yet. With the first person it happened with, I would literally think to call him, forget, then my phone would ring and it’ll be him calling or texting. Or I’d be sitting in class ready to quit or break down, and he’d send me a joke, annoy me to be funny, or send me random encouragement. And vice versus. The two times he’d received horrible news, I felt it. It was this cinder block of pain in the middle of my chest. It hit me out of no where, and “something” told me to see if he was okay. It wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t physical (although that helped), but it was that spiritual intimacy. Knowing someone’s deep down. Being in-sync. As far as the women I have that connection with, we’re so in-sync that we can think heavily on each other and text or call. It’s one of the most intense things I experience in my everyday life.
I could go into other forms but I think two is enough for now. I feel like this got a little long with the first two. But, I’m on the road to continuing self discovery so I kind of use this as a sounding board. See if other people have experienced these things with people. I often wonder if people are so angry because of the lack of intimacy. I know I was. I was searching for it, not even knowing or understanding what exactly I was looking for. Which is how I began to love someone who showed me, and set me in the direction to seeing what it really meant. Now, I find myself delightfully in the the midst of gathering more wisdom and knowledge on it. The more I read, feel, think about it, the closer I feel to myself. The closer I feel to the people I already have relationships with.
It gives me more understanding with no changes to the relationship. The growth of personal knowledge in itself helps me to deepen those relationships. Helps me guide my emotions and my attitude. So much has shifted for me since I started paying attention to what my real needs are. Keying intimacy as a huge one was the best first step I could’ve made to emotional wholeness.