Still Learning

Just had a breakdown. I’m okay, but I’m not okay. Still encouraged, just a little sad. Am blessed that I have a boss who seems to be in sync with me. Like I said earlier, I’ve been ill all day. Not really sure what’s up because I’m experiencing other things I don’t usually experience, but I just don’t feel good. My boss let’s me go home early, without me having said anything about not feeling well; almost like she knew. I get home, and try and go up the stairs but fail multiple times. The same stairs I run up and down daily, and I couldn’t manage to walk up them to get to my room. In what seems to be my regular response now, I broke down in tears.

I felt ashamed, weak, and literally stupid. I knew my family was upstairs and I could’ve asked for help, but I was already crying, and didn’t want them to freak out, get emotional, or worry more than they already do. Of course, that made me cry even more because I felt alone. My dog, the amazing dog that he is, is freaking out to get out of my brothers room, to what I can only guess, is to make sure I’m okay.

As soon as I open the door he comes directly into my room, onto my bed, and starts forcing me to pet him, and give him kisses until I stop crying. I find him to be the best natural physical relief that I have lately. I don’t have to worry about being a burden, being too emotional, or taking up his time. I can feel what I feel and then feel better. What’s funny is, I’ve been watching more and more videos about how dogs are great for therapy. Not that my dog is at all trained, I just love that he can sense when I need some love.

I’m not really sure if I’m handling all this correctly. I feel like I’ve been crying at least 3 or 4 times a week. It feels obnoxious to me. Like I just need the attention, and I have to remind myself that those tears are all shed in my shower or when I’m alone. Even still. Sometimes I feel gross and ashamed for crying when I become frustrated with myself. Not sure if I need to stop, or need to just accept this as a stage of my life and embrace the feels.

Anyway, the crisis has been avoided, well mended, and I’m praying, for the rest of my night, everything is peaceful.

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