30 for 30

I feel like every time I have a new set of 10, I have to find some sort of huge idea, or something super emotional, but today I don’t think that’s where I’m going. Today I think I’m just gonna talk about something I’m pretty sure most of us have gone through and or are going through. I wrote this in my notebook 4weeks ago, but it seems like it has a long time to be relevant. Dating. Or. Maybe not dating, but still dating. 

Trying to date or get to know someone has to be one of the most irritating of processes when done the world’s way. The way it’s set up now, you can go from talking everyday to not talking at all in the matter of a day. No explanation, no conversation as to why, and feeling completely confused as to how to proceed. I’m socially challenged, and I’ve said this multiple times before. I’m pretty sure everybody who knows me knows this already. Anyway, it takes me, took me, maybe still taking me, awhile to see and understand what was happening when someone dropped off the face of the earth. Ignored text, no calls, little too then no text at all, then the biggest thing of all, spending no time together. I thought it meant the person was busy. Now I know better. Now I know it means he’s just not that into you.

There’s also this new thing called a situationship. I have found it to be uncontrollably rampant in my generation, and the generation following mine. It’s crazy me. Date, but don’t have a title, don’t have exclusion, don’t catch feelings, but do have sex with that person, do spend time with that person, do text and call that person, and do get used to being together with that person without being together with that person. I won’t lie, in my younger days that seemed attractive in a way. Get what you want without the foreboding disappointments that come with official relationships. Once I matured, I realized the title doesn’t dictate anything to me. It doesn’t protect my feelings either, so why do all that just to have to adjust to being truly single again? 

That’s pointless, and it’s irritating as all get out. So at 25, well almost, I have no desire to do that foolishness. And after an entire train wreck of poor choices with college and post college boyfriends, I’d like to just chill. I would like to know if I should or should not invest my feelings. I won’t be mad about the time and experiences, those are memories, but it’s my frailty, my huge heart, and my vulnerable heartstrings that I worry about. It’s not being sure, and not trusting myself after a string of utter debacles that make me shudder. I tell myself at least twice a day to not get attached to anyone new. It’s dangerous. Especially when the light is still at the proverbial blinking yellow light. 

I did mention being socially challenged right? That mantra’s the only thing that helps me withold tangling of my heartstrings. Now it takes me time to get attached, and it seems easier for me to just say screw it. That’s not who I want to be, but it seems like the best medicine for these back and forth, no communication, what are we, if we’re anything at all relationships. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for building through friendship. I actually think it’s amazing now that I’ve experienced it. There’s no pressure to fake, or put on your best self because you’re friends and your friends see you at your ugliest! There’s no pressure to date or rush into a relationship that you may not have any need or use for. It’s like going with the flow instead of creating some man-made stream that has no natural support. Only thing is, it still involves communication on what each person wants, and where each person sees it going. Without that, it just turns into another situationship. It turns into another moment of confusion. 

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