Down the Rabbit Hole: 1

I used to think that I was above wanting to prove something to my parents. I thought that I could care less about their approval. Maybe for somethings I don’t, but in my head, it was absolutely nothing. I wonder what it is that programs us, what is that pushes us to want to make our parents happy; albeit the bad things they may have done to us.

I ask myself ask that question all the time. And a part of me has always believed that my parents could be better people. Yet and still I hold on to the people they used to be. It makes no sense. It’s like on one side, I wanted better, but when they became somewhat better, I didn’t accept it. Everyday I wake up and expect them to still be the people that they used to be. It’s pathetic. Why pray for better and then not accept it or be open to it?

On the other side, you fight to be different. You fight to be a better person than they are/were. You fight to see all of their errors so that you don’t make the same ones. But what does that really do? For me it just hardens my heart towards them. I am isolated in my home and I’m not the only one. Each of us seem to have our own separate lives that we keep the other people in this house out of. I learned something about my brother that made me angry and sad, but where was I? He’s grown up now, and I didn’t help at all. I was too bitter that he was/is their favorite child. I was hateful towards him, spiteful even, for all of the beatings he never got that I did. For the lies he told that induced more beatings. For the love he seemed to get that I never got. For him KNOWING he was the favorite, and reminding me at the most inopportune moments that pushed me away from him. By the time he realized what he was doing, we already had a huge space between us. By the time I realized that mattered, I was away at college, wondering if he felt like I abandoned him.By then, it’s too late. We’re better now, but we let so much space get between us that we miss a lot.

I love my siblings, but I’ve noticed that my grasp of family, of sacrificing for my family is different. My other siblings, from my biological father, have a strong sense of family. Regardless of feeling sick or tired, they’ll still make time to go spend time with each other during gatherings. They’re there for each other, and they’re super supportive. They have this idea that no matter what, family comes first. It’s not like that for me, but I’m changing that. I see better, and I’m determined to open myself up to being more loving in my family. At some point, I have to stop allowing things from my past to hinder my growth. I have a lot to say, a lot I want to get off my chest. I know that’s what’s stopped me from moving on. I’ve always been that way. If I can’t say what I need I harbor whatever is bothering me so close that it becomes a part of who I am. I want to learn to let things go.

Even while I write this I’m thinking about so many things…all the times someone told me to suck it up and stop crying, “what happens at home stays at home”, “don’t tell anyone”, and all the other bs. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’ve really made any freaking process. That the last couple years have just been an act. That I’m a phony, and all the things that I thought I was better at, were just things I were play doing. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself. Or just moving through all this nonsense…who knows


Losing Myself

Recently I’ve struggled with who I am, who I want to be, and who I was. Today I realized who I was has been running the ship since the start of the year. For two weeks I’ve been someone different, and I’ve just noticed. Minus the love I have for a few people, I’ve lost the strong feedback of my emotions.

I’m not sure where they went, but I’ve realized I’ve been numb. That things that I should’ve used my heart for, I used logic and unemotional precision to make a decision. Using those things has led to heartless choices. Not mistakes, but things I’d have handled and done differently. I havent even felt anger. Which, to those who know me, is an anomaly of epic proportions.

I was in a small car accident yesterday. Normally I would’ve been panicked. Nervous. I felt void. Like nothing was there. I thought maybe I was just handling it well. Then the woman became disrespectful. Screaming at me. Cursing me out. Getting closer to me. And all I could think was, “are you sure about this?”. No anger. No anxiety. No nothing.

I still feel nothing about it. The closest thing I’ve felt was when I thought my brother was going to need an emergency surgery. Even then, it was like I had to tell myself the proper reaction to horrible hospital service, thank you St. Agnes, was to become irritated and disgruntled. I said I was angry. I said I wanted to spazz, but in all actuality, I didn’t feel it. Mentally I thought it, but there was nothing there. When blood was gushing out of his leg all I thought was don’t let it be the femoral. For a second I felt fear. It moved through me like silt loosened from the top of the riverbed.

I haven’t been able to sleep, when I can sleep I’m not resting. Not resting is… Detrimental to my health right now but even still, it doesn’t seem feasible for me to sleep like a normal person. I have a theory. Either my current mental state, which I’m just acknowledging has been triggered by something I’m not aware of yet, or in riding someone else’s wave. So maybe I have two theories. Now that I’ve taken the time to think about it. To really sit and say, when was the last time you cried or got emotional, and have no answer, it makes me think. Where did I go?
Am I in the midst of extremes?
Am I working towards emotional balance?
Am I feeling things and mentally ignoring them?

I have no answers, all I have are questions, and what seems like, more stress and things to worry about. If I’m riding someone’s wave, which isn’t unlikely since the,  maybe 2, people I keep myself open to tie wise are having a difficult time. It also isn’t out of this world to think something over the last few weeks has triggered me to revert and wall up. Either way. I’ll figure it out and fix it. I like being happy. I like feeling most of the time. I don’t want to lose that.

Be Bold

I want to be bold. I used to think I would stand up for someone no matter what, but I’m realizing I don’t even stand up for myself. I’ve turned into a yes man. I say yes even when I don’t want to. I hold my tongue because people automatically think I have an attitude or am being rude because of who I used to be.

But that girl with attitude had been extremely bold. I really didn’t tolerate any foolishness. Now it’s like… I’ve compromised just to keep certain people in my life. I allow friends to be bad friends and I allow family members to speak down to me. I’m too old for that now.

Being bold is what I want. I want some of who I used to be back because some of the old me was amazing. 

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