Recently I’ve struggled with who I am, who I want to be, and who I was. Today I realized who I was has been running the ship since the start of the year. For two weeks I’ve been someone different, and I’ve just noticed. Minus the love I have for a few people, I’ve lost the strong feedback of my emotions.
I’m not sure where they went, but I’ve realized I’ve been numb. That things that I should’ve used my heart for, I used logic and unemotional precision to make a decision. Using those things has led to heartless choices. Not mistakes, but things I’d have handled and done differently. I havent even felt anger. Which, to those who know me, is an anomaly of epic proportions.
I was in a small car accident yesterday. Normally I would’ve been panicked. Nervous. I felt void. Like nothing was there. I thought maybe I was just handling it well. Then the woman became disrespectful. Screaming at me. Cursing me out. Getting closer to me. And all I could think was, “are you sure about this?”. No anger. No anxiety. No nothing.
I still feel nothing about it. The closest thing I’ve felt was when I thought my brother was going to need an emergency surgery. Even then, it was like I had to tell myself the proper reaction to horrible hospital service, thank you St. Agnes, was to become irritated and disgruntled. I said I was angry. I said I wanted to spazz, but in all actuality, I didn’t feel it. Mentally I thought it, but there was nothing there. When blood was gushing out of his leg all I thought was don’t let it be the femoral. For a second I felt fear. It moved through me like silt loosened from the top of the riverbed.
I haven’t been able to sleep, when I can sleep I’m not resting. Not resting is… Detrimental to my health right now but even still, it doesn’t seem feasible for me to sleep like a normal person. I have a theory. Either my current mental state, which I’m just acknowledging has been triggered by something I’m not aware of yet, or in riding someone else’s wave. So maybe I have two theories. Now that I’ve taken the time to think about it. To really sit and say, when was the last time you cried or got emotional, and have no answer, it makes me think. Where did I go?
Am I in the midst of extremes?
Am I working towards emotional balance?
Am I feeling things and mentally ignoring them?
I have no answers, all I have are questions, and what seems like, more stress and things to worry about. If I’m riding someone’s wave, which isn’t unlikely since the, maybe 2, people I keep myself open to tie wise are having a difficult time. It also isn’t out of this world to think something over the last few weeks has triggered me to revert and wall up. Either way. I’ll figure it out and fix it. I like being happy. I like feeling most of the time. I don’t want to lose that.