Knowing

Who you could be doesn’t
matter, it never should yet
it’s the factor that will have
us trying for years. The lie.

Potential.

Where there is much, the dual of
none. Thinking of what could
be, knowing your thoughts are
a false reality.

Destruction.

To make his dreams come
true, what sacrifices were
made by you? Was it worth
it, did you loss yourself.

Solitude.

The way in, the same way
out, when desperation
no longer affords the luxury
to hope things change.

Acceptance.

Discombobulated

It could all be so simple.

Been conflicted, heart in turmoil. Tricky situations, misplaced trust, heart palpitations, and lingering thoughts.

Feels like the one person I would run to, I can’t. A part of the problem, and my feelings aren’t safe. So much I want to tell you, so much I want to say, yet all these things are locked in my safe.

These things they grow, one becoming the sun. The other neglected and pained, I refuse to end up that one. Always bright is the shining star. But what is brightness when the one you shine for doesn’t see. When it feels like the rotation dims your glean.

So much to say, yet too afraid. Suppose that’s a sign, it should never be that way. I am a lover first. A fighter second. But I fight for my sanity, not your vanity and ego exaltation. I know the tide changes, but too high or too low can be dangerous. 

An overworked imagination, located in the mist of honey. But I remember green eyes for an emotionless situation. But I sit, and I laugh, and I try to be calm. When the animal in me wants to shriek and say back off.

Found parts of me with you. All these cute moments tallied up. But right now it all feels jumbled, messy, and jacked up. I don’t care to share, yet it feels my voice is silenced there. Not wanting to rock the boat, I sit in the midst of the ocean just trying not to drown, trying to show no fear.

I could speak up. It would make sense. But who talks to the wall, or the horse that won’t drink?

https://open.spotify.com/track/2WfVPi5dSGui2B9kOyqAJc

Star

Cheshire smile, dark side of the
moon with fire eyes. This is how
I found you, hiding from
the light, meeting in
the dark. Seeking
a way
out.

Gravitating to the bosom that
saves. Swimming through the
darkness to find glimpses of
love deferred and dreams
forgotten.

Inner Queen

My Inner Queen has spent years in

recovery. Seems like she’s always

recovering. This isn’t her fault, but

mine. I keep sacrificing her for

an unworthy King. Maybe not

even a King but a boy born ready

to be.

What is her worth or

value, do I even know and

if I did why do I consistently

betray her, sell her for

less than, when she was

never meant to be sold.

Slaver.

In her youth she found

the makings of who she

wanted to truly be, yet in

each glance, in each trial

she ran. Ran until she found

the makings of who she

is and carved of stone began

to just be.

She gave me the reigns and said

“make sure you lead us

well”. I failed. Constantly

gave those reigns to the one I

felt we needed. She reared, yelled,

screamed for me to stop

being weak.

All of her efforts, the reservoir

filled to its brim, personified

emotions, tortured thoughts in

steady rotation, gaining speed.

Banging against the walls begging,

demanding to be free. In the moments

that I weakened her, this is what

she was to me.

Freedom.

I took the reigns back from

all who held them. Now they are

secreted with poison created

from the tears we have cried, I

give no man hold. It is a worthy

King that will arrive and share those

reigns with me. I no longer

seek him, in due time his

back will ache, his heart will

tear, his mind will be so full that

he will unintentionally stumble to me.

He himself looking for relief.

I am his foundation of truth of

honesty, the brace for his back, my

shoulders ready to bear half his

yoke, for he is my half and what

is born to him, is carried by me. My

needle threaded with care and

understanding will mend what was torn

by another, I massage his temples

while pulling the poison from his mind.

His knees will gain strength, for their

foundation is sturdy and ready. There is

nothing too heavy for a Worthy

King and Awakened Queen. I relish in

her sigh of relief.

“Finally you see

the Queen you were always

meant to be”

Pushing

I hate feeling scared. It sickens me, makes me feel weak, and it makes me feel like I don’t have control of my life. I don’t even know when it started, but I’ve been having a problem with this guy harassing me. I’ve been struggling a lot with reporting it or accepting that it’s an actual problem. Here’s why….

It’s the internet. I’ve been harassed online before. Called all types of names and have had to block numerous men for telling me I’m a whore for not taking them seriously and not giving them my number. So as someone who has already had to deal with annoying situations, and I say annoying situation because that’s exactly how I see this, this wasn’t a big deal. He’s just annoying, a pest, and someone who just doesn’t understand or refuses to take “no” for an answer. But 50 pages of messages later, I understand that I cannot still hold on to that same mindset. After having more than 10 people message me or send me messages he’s sent to them about me, I can’t ignore that this is a problem.

But it’s just the internet…

This argument has been plaguing me for weeks. I keep going back and forth. Trying to justify his actions, trying to say “I don’t want to put him in a bad position”, or it’s only the internet “everything will be fine”. Even as I write this I’m having a hard time, but that’s good. It means I’m not still accepting my previous “it doesn’t matter” attitude towards the situation. I should be uncomfortable. It’s an uncomfortable situation. I look over my shoulder more now, I worry when I go out and I know I’ll be by myself, and it sucks. My sister has been a big help during this. She’s found information, forced me to face that this is a problem, and reminded me that I have to do what’s necessary not just to protect myself but for my family (because there is a chance that he still has my address).

More than anything, I want my family to not have to deal with this. I have this mentality where I don’t really care what happens to me, but my family, I can’t validate or accept something happening to them; regardless of our strained relationships. It helped that my mentor, whom I was just speaking with, corrected my thinking. I told her that I was apprehensive to file the paperwork because I didn’t want to put this person in a bad position. She immediately cut me off and told me it’s not me putting him anywhere, but him putting himself. She made me look at the position I’m in and see it for what it is. Because she is right, and I need to rewire my brain to understand and accept that I’m not the problem. Which is hard for me, I always think I’m the problem.

The more I think about it, the more I begin to think that maybe this is what started me closing myself off. Being afraid is one of the things I hate the most, so it would make sense that I would rather not feel things than feel afraid. It’s been years since I’ve been in the position where a man was able to frighten me or make me feel like I’m not safe. Even more I hate feeling like the poor little girl who has to use paperwork to fight her battles. Weakness disgusts me when in it’s shadow. I’ve been working for years to feel otherwise, and I’m still struggling with it; obviously. This whole thing is just hitting a lot of sore spots for me. Too many in fact and I’m having a hard time dealing with it, which doesn’t make me feel any better about it either.

All I know is, this is hard, and I’m hoping it doesn’t stay that way long!

Fighting with Myself

I think it’s been almost a month since my last post. Haven’t cared to write, haven’t wanted to care to write. I’m not really sure when I went fully into this decline, but it is definitely here. So far this year has been problem after problem.

I’ve been depressed and beyond irritated at pretty much everything. I feel like I’m in this swing where life is the same crap all the time. This week I have to file for a peace order against someone, and I don’t feel like being bothered. Apart of me doesn’t even care about this mess or if it escalates. I’m between scared, looking over my shoulder, to by all means throw me in a van, to I don’t care what happens. My mental is all jacked up.

I was working so hard on staying positive and I failed, am failing at getting back to that. I don’t want to feel like this, and I don’t want to have the mentality that I have right now; it’s dangerous.

My family keeps preaching to me. I have no words to explain how tired I am of hearing the same repetitive unnecessary lectures. I’m tired of people acting like I’m not allowed to say no when I’m not interested or don’t want to do something. It’s like just because they say I should call someone, or waste my time, that it’s the best course of action when they have no idea what I’m even trying to accomplish. It’s frustrating.

I’m tired of people taking advantage of me, lying to me, of the games, and of all the nonsense that’s been going on the last month. It’s pointless and in the end a lot of people are going to be either pissed off or hurt. I’ve never been one to deal with this type of stuff, but it seems like I haven’t done anything but deal. I’m changing. It’s gross and I don’t like it.

I am on the fast track to pushing everyone away and out of my life. Disgust is always at the back of my mind. Hatred. Annoyance. All targeted towards myself. I don’t want to talk about it to anyone. I don’t want to pray. And I don’t want to hear how things will get better. I am 100% aware of this fact. Things always get better. They also always get worse.