Fighting with Myself

I think it’s been almost a month since my last post. Haven’t cared to write, haven’t wanted to care to write. I’m not really sure when I went fully into this decline, but it is definitely here. So far this year has been problem after problem.

I’ve been depressed and beyond irritated at pretty much everything. I feel like I’m in this swing where life is the same crap all the time. This week I have to file for a peace order against someone, and I don’t feel like being bothered. Apart of me doesn’t even care about this mess or if it escalates. I’m between scared, looking over my shoulder, to by all means throw me in a van, to I don’t care what happens. My mental is all jacked up.

I was working so hard on staying positive and I failed, am failing at getting back to that. I don’t want to feel like this, and I don’t want to have the mentality that I have right now; it’s dangerous.

My family keeps preaching to me. I have no words to explain how tired I am of hearing the same repetitive unnecessary lectures. I’m tired of people acting like I’m not allowed to say no when I’m not interested or don’t want to do something. It’s like just because they say I should call someone, or waste my time, that it’s the best course of action when they have no idea what I’m even trying to accomplish. It’s frustrating.

I’m tired of people taking advantage of me, lying to me, of the games, and of all the nonsense that’s been going on the last month. It’s pointless and in the end a lot of people are going to be either pissed off or hurt. I’ve never been one to deal with this type of stuff, but it seems like I haven’t done anything but deal. I’m changing. It’s gross and I don’t like it.

I am on the fast track to pushing everyone away and out of my life. Disgust is always at the back of my mind. Hatred. Annoyance. All targeted towards myself. I don’t want to talk about it to anyone. I don’t want to pray. And I don’t want to hear how things will get better. I am 100% aware of this fact. Things always get better. They also always get worse.

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