Relationships: 1

I think a lot. Sometimes it’s superficial, sometimes it’s financial, but lately, lately, it’s been love and relationships. Not just the boyfriend kind, but all of them. I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought about the people who are in my life. Wondering if I’m holding on to any dead weight, if I need to let anything or anybody go. I’ve realized that I was holding on when there are multiple people in my life who are completely okay with passing me by or replacing me with someone else. I have realized that there are people I called my family who don’t know a single thing about my life, and I don’t know anything about theirs. WE aren’t family, maybe at some point we were, but I am a firm believer in having working relationships and not just worked to get and then got stagnant relationships. I don’t thrive in those kinds of anything. I need growth, I need to be present, need YOU to be present, and I need communication. Personally, anybody that can go weeks without speaking to me, is no longer someone I consider a vital part of my life.

 

This isn’t because I don’t love the person, but simply because I would rather spend my time, energy, and thoughts on people who make an actual effort to be in my life. Otherwise, I can love those other people as I have been; from afar. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that’s something else I’ve learned, we all have different highs and lows and transitions in our lives. Some people are balanced, some people are either all the way up or all the way down, and some people just don’t know how to be a good friend. There is a need for patience for all different types of friends, I just know I will no longer spend the time or energy to wonder why I’m so replaceable in certain people’s lives. I don’t care why, simply put, if it was worth worrying about it, I wouldn’t have the issue to worry about in the first place.

 

As far as dating, I expect the same thing. GROWTH. I don’t like being stagnant, I don’t like the same repetitive conversations. I want to look at him in a month and ask about something and learn about him. I want to look at him and be able to think “there’s so much to learn and get to know”. I don’t want to be with someone who’s boring, doesn’t communicate, and doesn’t show me who he is. I want to dive into the person I’m with. Your soul is something I want to be incredibly in tune with, and I want someone who’s looking for the same thing. He don’t want no girl who never wants to do anything, who’s okay with always being home sitting on her butt, who isn’t capable of taking care of herself, or who desperately NEEDS a man. I want someone who loves my lazy and adventurous side, and who’s hip that I am complex, complicated, beautiful, sought after, dedicated, loyal, crazy, annoying, clingy, and etc WITHOUT wanting to change me.

 

I’m not looking to be with someone who wants me to fit into a box. I am unable to be boxed. As I’ve told every ex, I am not something you can tame. I’m looking for someone to run wild WITH me, not ride my back until they’re tired of my crazy and then try to lock me in the cage until they’re ready for their next ride. He needs to run with me and learn to trust me when I run on my own. Speaking of trust…need that. I won’t ever again date someone I can’t trust. Done did that. I couldn’t trust him when we started, couldn’t trust him all 6 or 7 times it ended. It. Is. Vital.

 

I want a lot of things from my relationships. I have high expectations. But every person I’ve ever loved, whether friend or lover, has had the potential to meet those expectations. Some rise to that and some don’t. When I really boil it down though, I find that all of my expectations fit into a few topics; loving, trusting, good integrity, good character, seeking. Any and everything else I want can be put into those categories. And it’s not like I’m asking for perfection. I understand flaws, I am flawed, I will be flawed. What matters to me is effort. Telling me what you need, me telling you what I need, and US making sure those needs are met. To me…it’s very simple.

Down the Rabbit Hole: 2

I’d never looked at you that way. The attraction not even a distant dream. That one night changed things. You said we played with fire, I laughed it off, you weren’t what I truly desired. That one night changed things. You dropped me off at home, told me to kiss you as you grabbed me close, I said no, and shoved away. I didn’t like the anxiety, the shaking, as if my legs would give way. Your eyes were sure, mine filled with fear. In that moment, I knew your mind had been here.
For me, kissing isn’t for fun; unless you’re drunk. Even still, I’m careful because of the transfer. It’s a window. A tie to me. Growing up I stopped being affectionate, but kissing. Kissing opens the door.

The night things changed, your lips were air, fire, water, and earth. Giving life, burning it away, washing it clean, and keeping me grounded. No mental connection, no emotions. Your body not what I expected; every bit glorious. Weeks go by, a month’s time, I see jealousy in my eyes, hear jealousy in your voice, yet we avoided making a choice.
People have always told me that I am aggressive. bold. Blunt. But they also tell me I’m a Rabbit. I run when afraid. Bolt when I feel pain. I thought avoidance would help me stay sane.

You told me you just wanted someone to love you. Love you for who you are. I raised my eyebrow at you, but also at the jitter I felt at the back of my mind. “You care about him” I ran from the idea, found it again, reminded that voice, “we’re just friends”. I made myself forget.
I didn’t run this time, but maybe I should. My planted feet slow to respond, while the hands that placed us are long gone. A visitor, a shadow, more full, although less strong, comes and waters us, feeds us, and reminds us of the sun.

I Wonder

how.

What are your intentions, tell
me what you think, how do
you feel. Easy to live a life
running, but standing to face
the sound, reverberations ringing,
pulling apart what was
never meant.

To me.

I Wonder.

Tell me everything.

Treasured Garbage

    your hoarded speeches, convoluted
    excuses, reasons for saying no, yet
    still riding down the road, your
    mind made up where lack of
    sense has struck.

Taken
    for granted, love returned with
    titles held, lies to the fish
    swimming around the hook, bait
    nipping to test the worm, nipping
    to test the man.

Abused Use
    you’ve begun to change, when
    will you see I have stayed, prayed,
    but will leave, heart bleeding, tears
    trailing, if the tide continues to
    rise, I must survive.

Repeated Dreams
    of you, me, yet reality claims you
    after every blink, that beat. After
    every caress, constricting relief, lying
    exhausted, efforts overpoured, but
    the fire everlasting, scorched soul.

Blocked. Free.

I had been blocked creatively for a couple months. I could write, but I didn’t have that burning desire that I’m used to. My work was coming from me sluggishly, I had to coax it. Now, I feel like I can’t type fast enough, write fast enough, or think slow enough to catch everything begging to be displayed and explored. I am intoxicated with it. Before, I couldn’t tell how unclear my mind was. I knew it wasn’t what I was used to, but I had no idea, until I had clarity, of how off track I was. Now I feel the veil dissipate more and more each day. I know it’s not a physical lifting, but my mental view of my spiritual self can clearly see and feel the difference. My heart is sad, but even that sadness has appreciation. Normally I would mope or be angry, maybe even bitter(because this hurt is a doozie), but I’m content.

At first I thought I was living on the tip top of a high; maybe borderline manic. I waited for the other shoe to drop. Waited for the depression and decline to hit me. After a few days of continued deep thought/meditation, I realized this isn’t fake. I have a genuine sense of self. A sense of contentment and happiness. It came from WITHIN me. People talk about finding happiness in oneself. I always said “how the heck do you do that if you’ve never had it before”. I found that the answer to my question was to just do it. I decided to be happy. I decided not to let this utter disappointment break me down. I decided to have hope and faith in the person, to do what is best for myself, and to control my thoughts and my emotions. Days and days of thinking and meditating and I got to the plateau. I got to the place where I had accepted the truth for what it is, I let go, I hit reality, and I hit my happiness through heartbreak.

Hallucinations

Your doubt exchanged to allow
you rest, my peace forsaken with
glimpses of insanity. Believe or
lose faith, infinite with the loss
of trust, either you do or you do
not. Bleed as my heart beats, floating
from one rejection to smash into a heartfelt confession.

Touches everlasting, hands clasped
while lips search passionately. Things
hidden in the folds of arms, caressed
into coming out. Secrets, memories,
pains hard to bear. Souls sucked and
pushed back. Holes filled with hands,
applying pressure, wounds slowing,
bleeding, closing.

Ease in which we breathe, never
obtained, begged for, sought
after, slips like a hand to a thigh,
shocking, a hand to the throat,
wanted the sliding with ease. Opened
freely, boundaries, self sacrifice, but
fear. The risk too great, or is it the
pain that’s at stake?

https://open.spotify.com/track/6DLF8OUu5NOyEXKbM1NWDc

Sought After

Love is an abstract idea, but a definitive want. It’s a word we’ve asked to be defined time and time again; explained time and time again. When we hear it being said to us, we have this reaction inside of ourselves that makes us feel like “more”. That “more” is what many of us are looking for.

I thought I knew a good bit about love. Thought I knew how to love someone correctly and completely. I’ve learned, that I’m still learning. With help, I’m seeing myself differently, seeing my invaluableness, and changing my mentality concerning things of love. I used to pray for the best friend that I could give my all to, and receive the same. That we would grow together, support each other, and build something people only dream of. I prayed for a true best friend.

I’d had love, not a good version, or a healthy one, but a crude version. Filled with control, insecurities, and a lot of pain. I tried time and time again to have a functional relationship, but every few months something was always happening that caused a break up or unhappiness. I thought my feelings for this person meant it had to work, regardless of all the problems and immaturity. I know better now.

I think a part of my growth was wanting to be better for the person who I care about now. Wanting to give them a better me, and growing to make sure that the same immaturity didn’t continue from my previous serious relationship. “They” always say that when you find someone you can really love, they make you want to be a better person. That the person motivates you and inspires you. And although that is true, I realized after thinking those thoughts that the changes, growth, and mentality are really not for that person. It’s for me. And that made the transition so much more worth it, and so much smoother. That person is a factor but at the end of the day I just want to be better.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought. Making decisions, and figuring out what I want to do in my current interesting situation. I can understand a lot of things, even when I don’t agree with them, so even when the person I care about makes a choice that I think makes no sense, I can still support them as a friend. What I’ve realized and accepted is that there is a difference between supporting them and being their friend, and continuing to negatively position myself to be hurt and disappointed.

Boundaries are important when you’re making any type of transition with relationships. You want to continue giving everything, you don’t want anything to change, but sometimes to protect yourself, you have to. Not out of anger or insecurities. But out of a place knowing that you deserve having someone who is crazy about you, and only you. Knowing that you don’t compete, get jealous, or have to play games or manipulate in order to get your way, and understanding that, that will bring greatness and beauty to you instead of drama and negativity.

The last month, has really given me an amazing opportunity. To be in a place where I have no insecurities, no doubts, no jealousy, and no anger is something I’ve never known. And to know that I’ve done this for myself has given this clarity that I’ve never had either. I can fully appreciate the experience, my wants, the disappointment, and still be happy. My self worth is no longer tied to the decisions other people make. I am amazing. As a friend, as a girlfriend, and one day as a wife. I see exactly who I am, and now that I can see myself clearly in this area, I will never settle again.