Sought After

Love is an abstract idea, but a definitive want. It’s a word we’ve asked to be defined time and time again; explained time and time again. When we hear it being said to us, we have this reaction inside of ourselves that makes us feel like “more”. That “more” is what many of us are looking for.

I thought I knew a good bit about love. Thought I knew how to love someone correctly and completely. I’ve learned, that I’m still learning. With help, I’m seeing myself differently, seeing my invaluableness, and changing my mentality concerning things of love. I used to pray for the best friend that I could give my all to, and receive the same. That we would grow together, support each other, and build something people only dream of. I prayed for a true best friend.

I’d had love, not a good version, or a healthy one, but a crude version. Filled with control, insecurities, and a lot of pain. I tried time and time again to have a functional relationship, but every few months something was always happening that caused a break up or unhappiness. I thought my feelings for this person meant it had to work, regardless of all the problems and immaturity. I know better now.

I think a part of my growth was wanting to be better for the person who I care about now. Wanting to give them a better me, and growing to make sure that the same immaturity didn’t continue from my previous serious relationship. “They” always say that when you find someone you can really love, they make you want to be a better person. That the person motivates you and inspires you. And although that is true, I realized after thinking those thoughts that the changes, growth, and mentality are really not for that person. It’s for me. And that made the transition so much more worth it, and so much smoother. That person is a factor but at the end of the day I just want to be better.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought. Making decisions, and figuring out what I want to do in my current interesting situation. I can understand a lot of things, even when I don’t agree with them, so even when the person I care about makes a choice that I think makes no sense, I can still support them as a friend. What I’ve realized and accepted is that there is a difference between supporting them and being their friend, and continuing to negatively position myself to be hurt and disappointed.

Boundaries are important when you’re making any type of transition with relationships. You want to continue giving everything, you don’t want anything to change, but sometimes to protect yourself, you have to. Not out of anger or insecurities. But out of a place knowing that you deserve having someone who is crazy about you, and only you. Knowing that you don’t compete, get jealous, or have to play games or manipulate in order to get your way, and understanding that, that will bring greatness and beauty to you instead of drama and negativity.

The last month, has really given me an amazing opportunity. To be in a place where I have no insecurities, no doubts, no jealousy, and no anger is something I’ve never known. And to know that I’ve done this for myself has given this clarity that I’ve never had either. I can fully appreciate the experience, my wants, the disappointment, and still be happy. My self worth is no longer tied to the decisions other people make. I am amazing. As a friend, as a girlfriend, and one day as a wife. I see exactly who I am, and now that I can see myself clearly in this area, I will never settle again.

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