I think a lot. Sometimes it’s superficial, sometimes it’s financial, but lately, lately, it’s been love and relationships. Not just the boyfriend kind, but all of them. I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought about the people who are in my life. Wondering if I’m holding on to any dead weight, if I need to let anything or anybody go. I’ve realized that I was holding on when there are multiple people in my life who are completely okay with passing me by or replacing me with someone else. I have realized that there are people I called my family who don’t know a single thing about my life, and I don’t know anything about theirs. WE aren’t family, maybe at some point we were, but I am a firm believer in having working relationships and not just worked to get and then got stagnant relationships. I don’t thrive in those kinds of anything. I need growth, I need to be present, need YOU to be present, and I need communication. Personally, anybody that can go weeks without speaking to me, is no longer someone I consider a vital part of my life.
This isn’t because I don’t love the person, but simply because I would rather spend my time, energy, and thoughts on people who make an actual effort to be in my life. Otherwise, I can love those other people as I have been; from afar. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that’s something else I’ve learned, we all have different highs and lows and transitions in our lives. Some people are balanced, some people are either all the way up or all the way down, and some people just don’t know how to be a good friend. There is a need for patience for all different types of friends, I just know I will no longer spend the time or energy to wonder why I’m so replaceable in certain people’s lives. I don’t care why, simply put, if it was worth worrying about it, I wouldn’t have the issue to worry about in the first place.
As far as dating, I expect the same thing. GROWTH. I don’t like being stagnant, I don’t like the same repetitive conversations. I want to look at him in a month and ask about something and learn about him. I want to look at him and be able to think “there’s so much to learn and get to know”. I don’t want to be with someone who’s boring, doesn’t communicate, and doesn’t show me who he is. I want to dive into the person I’m with. Your soul is something I want to be incredibly in tune with, and I want someone who’s looking for the same thing. He don’t want no girl who never wants to do anything, who’s okay with always being home sitting on her butt, who isn’t capable of taking care of herself, or who desperately NEEDS a man. I want someone who loves my lazy and adventurous side, and who’s hip that I am complex, complicated, beautiful, sought after, dedicated, loyal, crazy, annoying, clingy, and etc WITHOUT wanting to change me.
I’m not looking to be with someone who wants me to fit into a box. I am unable to be boxed. As I’ve told every ex, I am not something you can tame. I’m looking for someone to run wild WITH me, not ride my back until they’re tired of my crazy and then try to lock me in the cage until they’re ready for their next ride. He needs to run with me and learn to trust me when I run on my own. Speaking of trust…need that. I won’t ever again date someone I can’t trust. Done did that. I couldn’t trust him when we started, couldn’t trust him all 6 or 7 times it ended. It. Is. Vital.
I want a lot of things from my relationships. I have high expectations. But every person I’ve ever loved, whether friend or lover, has had the potential to meet those expectations. Some rise to that and some don’t. When I really boil it down though, I find that all of my expectations fit into a few topics; loving, trusting, good integrity, good character, seeking. Any and everything else I want can be put into those categories. And it’s not like I’m asking for perfection. I understand flaws, I am flawed, I will be flawed. What matters to me is effort. Telling me what you need, me telling you what I need, and US making sure those needs are met. To me…it’s very simple.