Who am I anymore?

Growth is such an interesting process. It uproots me sometimes, almost completely. I find myself in midair with nothing beneath me that I can feel or grab hold of. It’s almost as if I don’t belong to anything. Which, when you think about growth, about enhancing, and about discovering yourself, it’s a positive. It gives me the freedom to truly choose who I am and who I want to be, and it let’s me have absolute control over my range.

But that upended feeling, that loneliness in the process can almost be debilitating if not checked properly. It’s like walking a fine line between death and enlightenment, and I wonder if that’s the whole point. To push you so far past your comfort zone that you don’t know if you will make it. That way, when you do, you never have to look back at who you were and say that was better. You can never again be satisfied with that level of thought, or ambition because it is no longer sufficient for your life.

So when I grow, I really put my all into it. I hate the process, but I give in to it with everything I have. If that means I have to be emotionally unstable, unsure, sad, depressed, elated, enraged, or anything else on the spectrum, I ride that wave until I can’t anymore and then I let my board carry me the rest of the way. I let my will, my want and desire to be better and to make changes, push me through to the next stage of my growth.


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