Relationships: 2

Communication.

Labels.

Ironic, how without labels, it seems the communication is where it needs to be. Equally more ironic, is how complicated communicating gets once a label is added to the equation. Often makes me wonder why even get into a relationship. Why not just stay friends.

The guessing games get old, the passive aggressive comments, posts, or attitudes get old. Everything that doesn’t actually HELP the situation, but adds more stress, is old. I’ve been down that route so many times with old relationships that I’ve realized, finally, I don’t have the tolerance for it. Never really have, yet I allowed myself to continue dealing with it. Among the many other things I allowed myself to deal with, after my last go around of lessons learned, I knew that communication and trust are literal BASICS.

Without those two things, what’s the point? And if you can’t be honest, if you can’t talk, if you can’t explore an issue with your partner, then why be with that person. Why not be with someone you can talk to, even when it’s hard, even when it’s frustrating? I mean, I get it. I honestly do. People assume that I love real communication. That I love handling things head on, but in all reality I HATE IT. I simply suck it up and DO IT because it is NECESSARY. I don’t LIKE conflict, I’m just good at working through it. People automatically assume that means you like it, and that you always want to deal with it.

I dislike it so much I don’t even know how to appropriately express it, but do you know what I dislike even more? Hard feelings, spitefulness, lack of communication, and passive aggressive bs that prolong simple issues (or even big issues). Just suck it up, say what needs to be said, and handle it. This is for dating relationships and other relationships, I just don’t get why people can’t see that clearly.

Write 

I’m trying to stay moderately consistent. Trying to continue writing as things happen. But. Lately. I just haven’t felt like it. It makes me wonder. Did I waste all that money on college for something I am not consistent with. What’s my purpose really. Is writing the best thing for me. 

Lately. I’ve been questioning a lot of things. 
I still don’t have any answers. 

More Changes

Life will constantly change. I used to think I was a person who loved change. That I was one of those people (had I been White or America had been less racist) to explore the Western front in hopes of a new life. I thought I was outgoing and willing to walk the edge.

Maybe when I was younger, before I’d had my heart broken, before I’d made decisions that led to my perspectives to change, I was that person. I was someone who was willing to try new things, to go out alone, and who would look at change and race to meet it.

Now I’m afraid. It freaks me out because I’ve become used to knowing, or at the very least being prepared for whatever is coming my way. That whole “that came out of left field” doesn’t happen to me too often. Not because things don’t pop up, I just think A LOT about the future. So for me, I think about the options, I think about the possibilities. That way, if the moment arises, I’m prepared to handle it.

But I didn’t see this coming. This isn’t small enough to call a curve ball. It’s more like checking both sides of the street, seeing it’s all clear, checking the sky for the plane that falls, seeing it’s all clear, and then a hole opens up and crushes you to death; we’ll call it hell (lol you see what I did there?). Anyway, it has shown me that, that person who would venture out on her own has grown fearful. Even as I type I feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I feel that ache that makes me want to just curl into the fetal position and hibernate.

But I’m working to cope, or, make a decision on if this change is something I’m willing to work with, or walk away from. Because that is the next step for me. I have to decide, just like the person who made their decision had to decide; what’s best for me, is this something I can handle. I don’t begrudge anyone for making choices for themselves. Albeit, when you have relationships with people, if you care about them, their opinions should matter; especially if what you’re deciding directly changes their life.

There’s a fine line.

Now I just need to make a decision on what’s best for me, and if it’s a line I’m willing to walk.

 

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