More Changes

Life will constantly change. I used to think I was a person who loved change. That I was one of those people (had I been White or America had been less racist) to explore the Western front in hopes of a new life. I thought I was outgoing and willing to walk the edge.

Maybe when I was younger, before I’d had my heart broken, before I’d made decisions that led to my perspectives to change, I was that person. I was someone who was willing to try new things, to go out alone, and who would look at change and race to meet it.

Now I’m afraid. It freaks me out because I’ve become used to knowing, or at the very least being prepared for whatever is coming my way. That whole “that came out of left field” doesn’t happen to me too often. Not because things don’t pop up, I just think A LOT about the future. So for me, I think about the options, I think about the possibilities. That way, if the moment arises, I’m prepared to handle it.

But I didn’t see this coming. This isn’t small enough to call a curve ball. It’s more like checking both sides of the street, seeing it’s all clear, checking the sky for the plane that falls, seeing it’s all clear, and then a hole opens up and crushes you to death; we’ll call it hell (lol you see what I did there?). Anyway, it has shown me that, that person who would venture out on her own has grown fearful. Even as I type I feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I feel that ache that makes me want to just curl into the fetal position and hibernate.

But I’m working to cope, or, make a decision on if this change is something I’m willing to work with, or walk away from. Because that is the next step for me. I have to decide, just like the person who made their decision had to decide; what’s best for me, is this something I can handle. I don’t begrudge anyone for making choices for themselves. Albeit, when you have relationships with people, if you care about them, their opinions should matter; especially if what you’re deciding directly changes their life.

There’s a fine line.

Now I just need to make a decision on what’s best for me, and if it’s a line I’m willing to walk.

 

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