By the end of this year, I had expected a lot of things from myself. More progress, more money, more accomplishments.
Yet I feel as if I’ve done nothing. Yes I am hard on myself. It keeps me moving forward, but it also makes me self destruct. I’ve been trying to find a healthy balance for years, but it seems to constantly evade me.
I wanted to move out and have a car, well, I managed the car, only after totaling the first car I ever had. I should’ve cried that day, and let the emotion pass, but I didn’t and since then everything has been adding to that emotional constipation. I am hurting every day, and I’m angry everyday, and I’m tired everyday.
I can honestly say, at this point, if it wasn’t for my belief system, I would be dead by now.
It’s the only infallible thing that I hold onto, because even when it sucks this bad, He speaks to me, gives me reasons to work harder, encourages me, uses those around me to positively benefit and touch me. He’s honest with me, and I need that. I’m not surrounded by my friends anymore, everybody has their own life. I don’t get those dates or nights sitting out and talking anymore, and I realize now, that those were therapy for me. Healthy therapy because we wouldn’t drink and smoke and act out. We would all just talk about what’s going on, cry if we needed, hug if we needed, and spent the rest of the time encouraging each other in laughter. My friends were God in body. Now it’s me, and people who don’t know me that well trying to learn me, trying to figure me out in a time where I’m lost to myself.
I don’t mind being lost. It’s a wonderful opportunity for me to be better, to grow, be other things than what I am right now. It’s just that sometimes the circumstances around being lost are painful and gut wrenching. Most of the time I’m fine, the calm in the storm. But then there are too many times that I’m not. That the rage consumes me and I feel like anything that touches me will disintegrate.
I don’t need a break, I just need MORE clarity. But….that comes with the program. Like any trial, any tribulation, any adversity, you have to learn as you go along. You have to get through it and LEARN so that increase at the end of the storm can be fruitful, not mildly so but 100 fold of all the seemingly negative things you went through.
So, this is my reminder to myself, keep pushing. You’re okay, yes the stress sucks, but you will figure it out. You are smart, kind, honest, and your heart is play-dough. Don’t forget to tell yourself the good things, even though you are working on fixing the bad. Don’t be so consumed by your problems that the beautiful things in front of you are poisoned and rendered decrepit. Do not lose love trying to be hardheaded through all of this. Be open, let things touch you, embrace them, and if someone doesn’t understand….LET THEM.