Who you could be isn’t

who you are, would you have

me wait to see if you’ll do what

you said you’d do, remove all your

scars? Am I nothing

more than a trophy, something to

say you had the chance to polish,

was it the idea of actually

winning, or the idea of losing more

than not. What effort to wax on, wax

off, set aside into a transparent box,

just to say you own it, claim it, won

it, when other’s had tried to regain it.

Who are you?

Who do you want to be?

Do you even know, or is that also

up to me? To find where you went

left, to sow in the crevices of your heart,

love blossoming, filling, allowing you to

see clearly, through the guise that your

eyes were wide open, but when you reverted I

knew they were still sewn shut.

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What I want

A lot of mistakes open your eyes to the paths worth taking. They are never really mistakes, but learning opportunities.

I’ve learned a lot, but, still, not enough.

What I know.

I know more today about what I want in a mate, more than I ever have before. Whether that be in a monogamous, or nonmonogamous relationship. And the list that I’ve developed is as follows:

  1. integrity – super important to me. In the broadest and most finite sense of the word. So much is captured in a man who has GOOD integrity. You know that he’s loyal, honest, forth coming. You know that he has good work ethic, because a man with GOOD integrity, works in excellence. It is a matter of honor, of his acts being his representation, his reputation, and it sets him apart from others around him.
  2. Character goes hand in hand with integrity, not much more needed.
  3. Affectionate – I love me a clingy man. And by clingy I mean, “baby what’s on your mind, I miss you, I haven’t seen you in a few days, what you wearing, what’re you doing I want to take you out” texts/calls everyday type clingy. Not I’ll sit outside and wait for you to get home everyday type, there is a line. I don’t want to be suffocated, but I want to see with your actions that you care. Although I can be a weird one and want to be up under you all day (just not everyday lol).
    1. A lot of people say this is a contradiction, but I disagree. Everyone has their limits when it comes to how much contact, affection, attention, conversation they want with their mate.
  4. Ambition – “you gon love me for my ambition” I haven’t had a lot of experience with being with an alternate who was as ambitious as me, or more ambitious than me; I want that. I’m usually the dominate figure when it comes to that, and I want someone, who knows what they’re doing, to lead me. To take the reigns and show me how to get to the next level. BUT you have to be there or going there with some success on your path for it to make sense for me to follow you. I can’t take advice from someone who is under my level; that makes sense right?
  5. Clear Priorities – it is so important for me to be with someone who doesn’t always run to me when I want them to, you shouldn’t have that much free time. Not at this age, we’re in the building stages right now. Sometimes you NEED and SHOULD be telling me no because you’re handling business to make sure that we’re good in the long run. Add GOALS to this one as well. Similar to priorities but more about the long term, the what, and the how to get to the what. Which leads me to one of my bigger things.
  6. FORESIGHT – If you can’t see your future, I won’t be in it. If you don’t have direction for yourself, you cannot possibly create a niche for me, add me, or develop a more specific path/journey/lane for us to travel in. Foresight is the grandmaster. Without it, your priorities mean nothing, and your goals will never come to fruition. How can they when you don’t see, can’t see, the steps or actions needed in order to make forward movement happen?
  7. SURPRISES! – I never thought I liked flowers, and cute little trips, or thoughtful little gifts (and I mean little, I have a hard time excepting big things), but I ADORE them. I haven’t really gotten to experience someone really planning something to appreciate me, but I look forward to the day because the way I’ve been speaking it into existence…ya girl is ready. I find that it’s not about the money for me. It’s about the fact that you said “man, she’s been holding me down, supporting me, dusting me off when I mess up, encouraging me, and getting me right. Let me show her a lil something”. A ride to my favorite place, a walk at the park, a picnic (where there aren’t a lot of bugs cause you know I hate them mofos), a book I’ve been waiting for with my favorite wine, even a hot bath, massage, and a cooked dinner when you invite me over for a movie. Shoot, you can buy strawberries and chocolate, melt that chocolate, and make me some homemade and inexpensive chocolate covered strawberries…buy me roses. I never liked them before this year, now, love them.
  8. Secure – Know that if you don’t think you’re good enough to be with me, you aren’t, and no matter what I say to tell you, you are, you will never believe until YOU believe it. I love security, but that’s also something I haven’t gotten a lot of, and I’ve found that it has opened me up to being more insecure and that’s something I can’t abide by.
  9. A grown man.
    1. All in all, I want someone who knows when to heed my voice, and someone whose voice I can heed and take solace in. The alpha in me, needs another alpha, I can’t do betas and I can’t do average. I NEED alpha to thrive, otherwise I will get stagnant and unhappy. That alpha will push me. Guide me. Keep me safe. And make sure I know when to be quiet and learn.

Mistaken

All you wanted was for someone to love you for you, but you hid behind the make up of someone well put together, lied with your eyes, with secrets; the words unspoken. What you needed, you received, still not enough for you to leave the past to die, falling to your knees, you let the beast ride, tumbling from the path where you wanted to be, the blindness, blood loss, mental fatigue led you to crawl upon the brambles.

Her voice spoke softly, her hands caressed, attempted to pull you, wipe your eyes, allow your head to rest upon her breast. Just for you to wake, pull at her hair, enter her mouth and yoke her heart from it’s strings. Starved you feed, mind in a haze, knowing only that you wish to be full; that she makes you full.

Not enough, you take her eyes, even as she holds sight for the end of your journey, who you could be, would be if you changed course, let go of the beast, and walked on your own two feet. Not enough, your hands in her womb, the life she was ready to give, you pull until a tunnel of life sheds a skin. Like a rabid thing, you drink until there is no yoke.

Your 4 eyes, belly full of life, those feet you couldn’t stand on, gain strength. How could they not.

The Pressure

to always have to explain the questions that were never asked,

but the attitude I felt, the backlash, the reclusive nature of the dream.

to repeat why love is given, and how happiness has no figure yet,

it’s never enough, albeit when it’s over that’s all one ever wants.

to say it’s okay even when it’s not because the mind is a terrible

thing to hurt, waste, deceive, and yet you deceived me.

to not give up every time you overreacted and sucked the air from

my lungs, to replace with frustration and strangulation.

to lying in bed with saline painting new paths, almost

engraving over the old one’s. New boos old news.

to letting go when saying the truth is no longer enough, when

all the words mean nothing, because the actions are stuck.

to asking over and over, what do you want, and patiently waiting

for an answer that was “I don’t know”.

to sitting up and hearing your dreams, speaking of plans, and watching

you do absolutely nothing.

to strain, that ache and pull, a familiar friend, a friend I didn’t

want to ever see or feel again.

to the corruption of love, to the pressure.

 

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