At adulthood,

There’s this idea that we just want to hold on to our high school years. Maybe not the act of actually being in school, but the ability to have less responsibility and have as much fun that we want. I know people, now, who still live life like they’re teenagers. They have responsibilities, but their lack of foresight has caused them significant lack in their own lives.

But why?

This question has been on my mind heavily.

What causes us to lose focus? To stay so stagnant that by the time we peak our heads out we are years behind all the people we used to enjoy spending time with; minus the few still “having fun”.

Fear?

But what is more fearful than losing the one you love because you are inadequate? Than no one wanting to be with you because they don’t want to take care of you or fix you.

What is more fearful than people looking at you, knowing you, and saying “you’ll never be more than what you are?”

But…

For those who have had limited to no success or accomplishments in life, maybe the fear IS succeeding. The idea that they could be more, could it paralyze them from growing up?

What happens to these people as they get older? Do you end up homeless? Or the son or daughter in the basement who never gets a place of their own, never holds a good job, and has nothing to claim as their own. Are they free or are do they feel caged?

What slows down their mobility?

As a doer, as someone who has been stagnant, as someone who has been afraid of success and of failing, as someone who has succeeded and failed, I wonder how people get stuck at just one of those phases. What life must be like to not know how to transition?

Can that be taught? Do we have books on that? How do you even begin to help someone who struggles in those areas without being overwhelmingly frustrated by their inadequacies?

I have so many questions.

Blinded

I listened to every dream, no matter the hyperbole. I believed each one, truly listened, not just nodding waiting for you to stop talking. I had hope, saw all the things you could be. Believed every promise, the “I’ll get clean”. 

The “this time will be different,

I won’t keep making the same mistakes,

I don’t take you for granted, I can’t make

it without you, I want us in a better

place”
When I’m there, I remind you of

all the things you’re not, of all the

plans I thought we’d make, yet I’m

the only one making them; that was

my first mistake. 

“I’m just having fun” but that’s all

you’ve been doing, fun running from

your problems, like an airbender movie.

 
Me saying I love you, that I’m fighting 

to make it work, a dream to someone,

who has yet learned to truly listen, and

doesn’t understand love. What words 

can be said, after they’ve been

 said a thousand times. Destruction

ensuing with the abuse of free will and

time. 

Right Now

I’m tired because I keep putting myself into a situation I have no business being in. So many things I want to say that are going unsaid to save the feelings, ego, and pride of yet another male. Reaching the point where there is no going back. I can’t wait to be free. 

Disguise

Love is freedom, the real thing, right now just feels like barely flying with half clipped wings, made it through the storm, fought for my piece of quiet on an island of chaos and poor choice. Took off, hoping to soar, felt the circuit in the air, engorged on the wave. Yet the oil hit important things, pulled me to surface, below, sinking even as water tried to arrest it from me. Again, thought to be free, the promise of sunlight encouraged me. But it wasn’t sunlight, just the glint of a predators eyes, the flick of a weapon used to distract my true eyes, never seeing past its’ disguise. I grew gills. Who needs the sun, the air, who wants to fly when the flicker of different captures your soul. 

Like all constant lights, when there is no wane, no wax, there is no reality. It betrayed me. Attached to the fatty parts and slowly ate from me. When I realized I could barely swim, fins half eaten, belly trailing the ocean floor, whatever was left of the sinew, I remembered what it was to soar. Slowly, lifted, dragging him with me, hoping even still, instead of gills and fins, I could teach him to glide above the waves. The trickle of warmth sped my return, even though the weight was a burden. Harder he bit, my heart all that was left, I could feel the rays, knew I was almost safe. 

The surface welcomed me, sun asked where I had been, moon told me to never hide again. The rain kissed me repeatedly, it missed the flavor of my skin, the wind caressed me, filling holes retracing the pattern of who I had been. I left him. The waves pulled us apart. The elements knew, he had a piece of my heart. They knew gills would always tempt me, and my heart would falsely lead me, so his gills never changed, his focus stayed the same, before he was out of sight, he set his flicker to falsely set another aflame. 

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