I’m in a unique position for my life, but a transitional period like many others I’ve had, will have, and have witnessed others having.
I don’t feel like I’m failing, which is new for me. Normally I feel like I’m going to fail in a blaze of hellish glory, but this time I feel confident and I’m almost excited (mixed with small doses of dread) about how things are changing.
One of the slightly annoying things that has happened as a side effect of all the changes, is the migraines are back. I’ve had one going on two weeks tomorrow. Most days it’s a fly in my ear, and I can manage around it, but sometimes it’s unbearable. Being on the phone and calling people all day (phone ringing) can make my brain feel like it’s actually rattling. Between that and the pain being ridiculous, I feel like I’ve had opportunity after opportunity to cut up, as I have in the past; not this time. I have been oddly mopey and even more strangely quiet at work, but no lashing out. Even still, I want to do better, because on the days when it’s really bad, like earlier today, I still feel like I’m too short tempered.
It has been mentally fatiguing, I’ve been a bit sluggish, and that’s been hard for me to accept. I’m used to being quick tongued, clear headed, but maybe less and less in the last couple years. But the moments when I can taste a word, but can’t remember it. When I know I’ve forgotten something, but can’t remember exactly what I forgot it tears me down a little. (this fact being one of the few reasons I cried during Dory- the one thing she could remember was that she would forget everything). But one thing I remember constantly, is when Cub told me to keep at it. The more I try, the more I use my words, or think or challenge myself, the better I’ll be able to handle it when I do feel sluggish. It’s been working, and the down moments are spread out so even though it still feels like trash sometimes.
So, even though it looks bad, and feels bad, I know that to get great increase, you have to make your way to it, and that adversity will come swinging full force. This life will give you whatever you give it, and it will give you force for the things that you want. That’s why people rather stay stagnant than change; it’s easier. But I don’t want an easy life, I want challenge, I want more. And even though I was naive, to think I could pick and choose the battles I knew I could win, the one’s being thrown at me still get the underside of my boots.