Last Night

I Couldn’t breathe

It felt like it lasted a long time, but it was only a minute or so

Thought about asking for help

Figured by the time someone got to me, I’d be dead anyway

Might as well just see if the moment passes

It did

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Draft

One of many, a fragment of a thought, almost finished, half finished, barely begun.

I wonder

if I spoke to you the way you spoke to me, how disrespectful would I be?

how you could reply with an answer, that fell short of the question and expected me not to change the lens that I view you with

what world you live in that I would bow to your rudeness and not take note to the clueless manipulations you think you’ve been able to spin

how loud I will laugh when you realize, you continue to help me become free again.

Moments of Growth

A lot of people talk about how they have it all together, how they don’t need to change anything about themselves or grow up. Me, I am the exact opposite! I mess up a lot, I overreact, I have a terrible temper, my emotions get the better of me, my logic gets the better of me and I’m too cold, I am nowhere near perfect, and I absolutely appreciate that about myself. Not the imperfection, but the fact that even though it hurts and burns to admit my faults, or take criticism, I CAN DO IT! Today I had a great opportunity to work on my attitude, my inability to let things go when people piss me off, allowing other people to determine my mood, overthinking and stressing myself out, and responding negatively/arguing/getting disrespectful to someone who upsets me. These ALL came into question today after I received an unnecessary, petty, and childish text. I immediately got pissed off. No question about it. All of the things this person had been doing lately that had been upsetting me all started to come to mind, and I immediately wanted to throw it in his face. BUT, I knew once I calmed down, I would be mad, disappointed and even ashamed of myself for blowing up like that, so instead I just let him know I didn’t need the added bs. He, of course, responded the way I knew he would, so I kept it moving and discontinued the conversation after making it clear he was wrong. Where I messed up, getting mad in the first place. I should have asked if he was serious or if he was joking. Albeit it’s not a funny joke first thing in the am when you’re stressed, that still didn’t give me the right to just assume he was being a butthole. I also shouldn’t have CARRIED that anger with me. I immediately should have checked my attitude at the door when I left for work. Thankfully, I have at least learned to ask for help! I hit up my support system and they got RIGHT to praying for me, telling me STRONGLY to take command of my day, reminding me of good qualities I have that I need to use to correct my behavior, and just being SUPPORTIVE. I didn’t like some of the reprimands, but I took it, and I immediately began to adjust. Not because I wanted to or it was easy, but because in order for me to improve I HAVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY!

I say all this to say, STOP BSING AND CHANGE. It doesn’t take weeks, months, years to change, or grow. It takes split-second decisions to do things differently than you normally would. It takes you acknowledging you messed up and doing what you need to do to fix your part, and make sure to be mindful the next time an opportunity arises (because they will continue to arise).  Change is NOT hard to do, it is hard to KEEP. It takes nothing but one decision to get it started! Because I am telling you, it will greatly benefit your life in the long and short run. If I had disrespected him, gotten belligerent, thrown those things in his face, I could have really damaged our friendship. If I had continued to carry that rage I would have made MORE poor decisions and messed my day up further. We have to step up and take responsibility for the things we do guys.

Cycle

I broke mine, but am I another turn of the dial on yours. Are you anyone else, or am I blinded by the glint of possibility.
What do your words even mean, truth or lies, I can’t tell, can’t see through your disguise.
Remove the mask, take ownership for what was done, no more lies, let a new era meet the sun.
I want to breathe fresh air and not wonder if it’s really fresh, I want to trust myself so I can trust you.
Still so many questions, running my mind into a wheel of never-ending non-existent replies, just want silence when I close my eyes.

Twist Her

I want to feel it, not like a gentle wind, but a gust that relinquished my power. Not to drain me, but to support the energy I’m already giving, add to me. I want to hear it, like the warm cold front fighting for space and the train that destroys wherever it sets. Rip up everything we were, turn the ground so newness can be planted.

Mist

Do you still say the things you used to say, that I helped you every time you needed it, or am I only known as the devil who broke your heart. When you think past the last few months is it shrouded in you current disdain, the love that was shared is it tainted, can you even touch it again. Do you tell them I tricked you, that you never had a choice, are they the fools who believe you, or do they see your pain and allow you the lies. I wonder all the time, the web that you spin, always the victim, never the victor who wins. It’s always someone’s fault, someone who isn’t you, I wonder if it’s to the point that you’re lying to you too.

Nostalgia

You remind me of my father, not in a good way.

You remind me of the ice that sets in when he makes a mistake; no flexibility, no desire to change.

You remind me of

the times he called me stupid, and she stood by and watched my face crumble in pain, yet made no move to console me, reaffirm me; love me.

the few times he said he loved me, but when it mattered he hurt me more instead of helping me heal.

the times he realized he was wrong, but never apologized.

You mostly remind me of the wall I never learned to get through.

of love half given, half shown, never fought for.

I wanted you to remind me of anyone but him.

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