Morning Thoughts

People often have excuse after excuse for why their life is the way it is. Or like to say that they’re being a poor friend or family member because they have the proverbial “lot going on” (but honestly who doesn’t?). I’ve been blessed to have friends, framily (friends that are family), and family who acknowledge their own decisions and how they have consequences. Recently I have emotionally cut off a few individuals for my life. One an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I considered framily, but soon learned that relationship was one sided. Both of them have a lot in common. This intense obsession to be concerned with what others think of them, while also sabotaging how people will think of them. Both refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes and how those mistakes and decisions have placed them where they are in life. I look back at all the time I’ve invested in them, and I remind myself in all things there is a lesson. Mine, you can only help someone as much as they will allow. And when that help turns into enabling or a crutch, you HAVE to change the situation, either with boundaries, or removing yourself altogether. After spending years trying to cultivate these relationships, of trying to support, I let them go. To be honest the pain was terrible. More so for the friend than the ex, but still, it was hard. I cried for days, never getting angry, but just this overwhelming sadness that someone who claimed to love me could do certain things and then lie to my face about it. But the lessons I’ve taken away from the last, almost decade of “friendship” and the brief romantic flame, have been amazing. I can see some areas I definitely need to improve upon, and more than anything, I am grateful to learn that there are some deep running faults I need to heal and repair.

One thing I find that really makes me a good person, is that I am willing to see where I did, went wrong in a situation, and apologize for it. Not just apologize but try to see what behavior and thoughts led me to do the wrong thing so that I can work on it. I am self-reflective (have to shoutout my friendmate (friend + soulmate) Gian for that), and the growth I get from that has been astronomical compared to the pain I’ve felt for bad choices I’ve made. Even in these two relationships, I really sat down and analyzed all the things I did wrong, not them, but me. Why? Because my response, my thoughts, my actions, are the only thing in this world that I am responsible for. So even though the ex continues to be a thorn in my side, I try to rise above. I try to control the rage and absolute “slap a b****” in check; don’t get me wrong, it’s the most difficult thing in my life right now; barring health issues. But the struggle is worth it, my patience when this is over, working with the assumption I continue to be positive and act in a way I would be proud of, will be immaculate. So, remember, take responsibility for your part and portion, and do what you can to improve regardless of the situation or the actions of others. No one said it would be easy, but nothing worth having or doing is. The outcome is ALWAYS worth it when you do the right thing!

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Might As Well

be alone. Because what is the point?

People swear they love you, but when

you’re down

and out

it’s only you, you can turn to. When

your back is against the wall, and you’re

looking for someone to break

your fall, just to realize they stole the grass

to help soften the blow.

Confused by the love people claim they feel,

when anytime there’s a problem, they can’t heel.

If you, gotta do it all on your own, you might as well

be all alone.

Why stress yourself with the problems of someone else,

when they’re one of the reasons, your life got mess?

How important are they, to suck your joy, and spit on

your hope, with no recourse?

Might as well be alone.

 

You remind me of all the things I left behind, the back and forth, an unsteady load. Ready to drop, dump, explode. Dragging the happiness, the thin threads born, and set fires to destroy them, until there’s nothing more. Return to wonder, why all the scars, when every conversation is a burden or a chore. Name changes, his face placed over yours, shortened tempers, and more fights. You can’t tell me you don’t remember those nights.

Time passes, less is said, strangers in the same bed. You dream of when you knew me, I dream of never known you at all. The difference seems so small. The abyss tells a different tale. The distance no more the issue than the depth of the pain; a long trip to hell. How far can one fall and get back up again? Why fall at all, when bridges are there, yet you jump and I push you over the edge. Step by step we could’ve had it all, the lack of patience created a never ending fall.

False Pictures

The dream began with the flashing of a smile, hope pressed between tongue and cheek. a vision of deep brown. The pressing of chocolate and warmed honey, seeping into pieces that haven’t seen light. The stems caress, releasing the smell of wanton need, colors dripping upon the canvas, drops splashing, trailing along the curves. Between the land and the sea, what was found was again lost to me. Between the waves and the bed, the dream was swept away. Lost, pulled into the deep, curiosity, lack of direction pulled; until it was just too deep.

I can’t talk to you anymore, it seems to be at, but to a wall not a person, and my time seems lost. I wonder more and more, about time cashed in, never to be seen again. Maybe we were friends, or two sinners making excuses for the things we did. I sought the same thing, and lose it in the hope of what could be, never seeing what is until the thrumming of need becomes a docile pitter patter, lost rhythms into silent beats.

Disguise

Love is freedom, the real thing, right now just feels like barely flying with half clipped wings, made it through the storm, fought for my piece of quiet on an island of chaos and poor choice. Took off, hoping to soar, felt the circuit in the air, engorged on the wave. Yet the oil hit important things, pulled me to surface, below, sinking even as water tried to arrest it from me. Again, thought to be free, the promise of sunlight encouraged me. But it wasn’t sunlight, just the glint of a predators eyes, the flick of a weapon used to distract my true eyes, never seeing past its’ disguise. I grew gills. Who needs the sun, the air, who wants to fly when the flicker of different captures your soul. 

Like all constant lights, when there is no wane, no wax, there is no reality. It betrayed me. Attached to the fatty parts and slowly ate from me. When I realized I could barely swim, fins half eaten, belly trailing the ocean floor, whatever was left of the sinew, I remembered what it was to soar. Slowly, lifted, dragging him with me, hoping even still, instead of gills and fins, I could teach him to glide above the waves. The trickle of warmth sped my return, even though the weight was a burden. Harder he bit, my heart all that was left, I could feel the rays, knew I was almost safe. 

The surface welcomed me, sun asked where I had been, moon told me to never hide again. The rain kissed me repeatedly, it missed the flavor of my skin, the wind caressed me, filling holes retracing the pattern of who I had been. I left him. The waves pulled us apart. The elements knew, he had a piece of my heart. They knew gills would always tempt me, and my heart would falsely lead me, so his gills never changed, his focus stayed the same, before he was out of sight, he set his flicker to falsely set another aflame. 

Mistaken

All you wanted was for someone to love you for you, but you hid behind the make up of someone well put together, lied with your eyes, with secrets; the words unspoken. What you needed, you received, still not enough for you to leave the past to die, falling to your knees, you let the beast ride, tumbling from the path where you wanted to be, the blindness, blood loss, mental fatigue led you to crawl upon the brambles.

Her voice spoke softly, her hands caressed, attempted to pull you, wipe your eyes, allow your head to rest upon her breast. Just for you to wake, pull at her hair, enter her mouth and yoke her heart from it’s strings. Starved you feed, mind in a haze, knowing only that you wish to be full; that she makes you full.

Not enough, you take her eyes, even as she holds sight for the end of your journey, who you could be, would be if you changed course, let go of the beast, and walked on your own two feet. Not enough, your hands in her womb, the life she was ready to give, you pull until a tunnel of life sheds a skin. Like a rabid thing, you drink until there is no yoke.

Your 4 eyes, belly full of life, those feet you couldn’t stand on, gain strength. How could they not.

The Pressure

to always have to explain the questions that were never asked,

but the attitude I felt, the backlash, the reclusive nature of the dream.

to repeat why love is given, and how happiness has no figure yet,

it’s never enough, albeit when it’s over that’s all one ever wants.

to say it’s okay even when it’s not because the mind is a terrible

thing to hurt, waste, deceive, and yet you deceived me.

to not give up every time you overreacted and sucked the air from

my lungs, to replace with frustration and strangulation.

to lying in bed with saline painting new paths, almost

engraving over the old one’s. New boos old news.

to letting go when saying the truth is no longer enough, when

all the words mean nothing, because the actions are stuck.

to asking over and over, what do you want, and patiently waiting

for an answer that was “I don’t know”.

to sitting up and hearing your dreams, speaking of plans, and watching

you do absolutely nothing.

to strain, that ache and pull, a familiar friend, a friend I didn’t

want to ever see or feel again.

to the corruption of love, to the pressure.

 

Relationships: 2

Communication.

Labels.

Ironic, how without labels, it seems the communication is where it needs to be. Equally more ironic, is how complicated communicating gets once a label is added to the equation. Often makes me wonder why even get into a relationship. Why not just stay friends.

The guessing games get old, the passive aggressive comments, posts, or attitudes get old. Everything that doesn’t actually HELP the situation, but adds more stress, is old. I’ve been down that route so many times with old relationships that I’ve realized, finally, I don’t have the tolerance for it. Never really have, yet I allowed myself to continue dealing with it. Among the many other things I allowed myself to deal with, after my last go around of lessons learned, I knew that communication and trust are literal BASICS.

Without those two things, what’s the point? And if you can’t be honest, if you can’t talk, if you can’t explore an issue with your partner, then why be with that person. Why not be with someone you can talk to, even when it’s hard, even when it’s frustrating? I mean, I get it. I honestly do. People assume that I love real communication. That I love handling things head on, but in all reality I HATE IT. I simply suck it up and DO IT because it is NECESSARY. I don’t LIKE conflict, I’m just good at working through it. People automatically assume that means you like it, and that you always want to deal with it.

I dislike it so much I don’t even know how to appropriately express it, but do you know what I dislike even more? Hard feelings, spitefulness, lack of communication, and passive aggressive bs that prolong simple issues (or even big issues). Just suck it up, say what needs to be said, and handle it. This is for dating relationships and other relationships, I just don’t get why people can’t see that clearly.

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