Nostalgia

You remind me of my father, not in a good way.

You remind me of the ice that sets in when he makes a mistake; no flexibility, no desire to change.

You remind me of

the times he called me stupid, and she stood by and watched my face crumble in pain, yet made no move to console me, reaffirm me; love me.

the few times he said he loved me, but when it mattered he hurt me more instead of helping me heal.

the times he realized he was wrong, but never apologized.

You mostly remind me of the wall I never learned to get through.

of love half given, half shown, never fought for.

I wanted you to remind me of anyone but him.

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Seeking

I talk a lot about feelings, love, patience, learning, and how to be a better person. These areas consistently are shifting in my life. I imagine it’s because of the level of importance they hold in my life. Living a life that was surplussed with love in some areas, and devoid and corrupt in others, has led me on this journey on learning to love the right way. I have few great examples of how love is supposed to be done; my grandparents being the main two and one (as a unit and then as two individuals). My grandfathers love is quiet. You never hear it, but you see in his actions that it’s there. No matter what I need, car problems, house problems, prayer, he’s available to me. Until I got older I didn’t even realize how accessible he was/is to me; I took it for granted. My grandmother, or mother, depending on who I’m talking to, is my greatest hair pull and deepest source of love. In many ways I am more of her than my biological mother (her daughter). The depths of my heart are limitless to the people I love; just like her. The width of my sensitivity, and want to be understood and cared for are unmatched; JUST LIKE HER. I literally don’t know where they end. She is everything. Literally. She gave me my first car, paid for me to go to Howard Community College (where I was able to kick butt and get 3 degrees in 2.5 years), she helped me pay rent and buy food when I went to Salisbury University, and to this day just randomly will call and say “baby do you need some food or money”. I get emotional when I think about it because there is no way I would have been able to achieve all the things that I have without her. Shoot, she even paid for me to go to driving school!

Loving me comes with a price. I know this. I’m hard man. Even with all that sensitivity, getting me to be soft, getting me to be affectionate, it is HARD; especially for my blood family (and boyfriends – but that’s a whole other post). I don’t know what age it started, but it was/is incredibly noticeable to her. She’ll say “I miss you” and I’ll be oblivious and say “I’m right here” and her eyes just get sad. I have tears filling my eyes writing this because I hate that my coldness hurts her. I have this guard around my family that I struggle with CONSTANTLY. I’m distant, and when I am around, I have to make effort to be thawed out. My energy immediately goes on lock down, and for the life of me, I just can’t figure out why! It’s a goal of mine, this year, to thaw out permanently. I want to be able to go around my family and glow the way I do around everyone else. I want to stop cringing when they go to touch or hug me. I want them to see that I love them versus just hearing me say it.

Morning Thoughts

People often have excuse after excuse for why their life is the way it is. Or like to say that they’re being a poor friend or family member because they have the proverbial “lot going on” (but honestly who doesn’t?). I’ve been blessed to have friends, framily (friends that are family), and family who acknowledge their own decisions and how they have consequences. Recently I have emotionally cut a few individuals from my life. One an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I considered framily, but soon learned that relationship was one sided. Both of them have a lot in common. This intense obsession to be concerned with what others think of them, while also sabotaging how people will think of them. Both refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes and how those mistakes and decisions have placed them where they are in life. I look back at all the time I’ve invested in them, and I remind myself in all things there is a lesson. Mine, you can only help someone as much as they will allow. And when that help turns into enabling or a crutch, you HAVE to change the situation, either with boundaries, or removing yourself altogether. After spending years trying to cultivate these relationships, of trying to support, I let them go. To be honest the pain was terrible. More so for the friend than the ex, but still, it was hard. I cried for days, never getting angry, but just this overwhelming sadness that someone who claimed to love me could do certain things and then lie to my face about it. But the lessons I’ve taken away from the last, almost decade of “friendship” and the brief romantic flame, have been amazing. I can see some areas I definitely need to improve upon, and more than anything, I am grateful to learn that there are some deep running faults I need to heal and repair.

One thing I find that really makes me a good person, is that I am willing to see where I went wrong in a situation, and apologize for it. Not just apologize but try to see what behavior and thoughts led me to do the wrong thing so that I can work on it. I am self-reflective (have to shoutout my friendmate (friend + soulmate) Gian for that), and the growth I get from that has been astronomical compared to the pain I’ve felt from bad choices I’ve made. Even in these two relationships, I really sat down and analyzed all the things I did wrong, not them, but me. 

Why? 

Because my response, my thoughts, my actions, are the only thing in this world that I am responsible for. So even though the ex continues to be a thorn in my side, I try to rise above. I try to control the rage and absolute “slap a b****” in check; don’t get me wrong, it’s the most difficult thing in my life right now; barring health issues. But the struggle is worth it, my patience when this is over, working with the assumption I continue to be positive and act in a way I would be proud of, will be immaculate. So, remember, take responsibility for your part and portion, and do what you can to improve regardless of the situation or the actions of others. No one said it would be easy, but nothing worth having or doing is. The outcome is ALWAYS worth it when you do the right thing!

Tired

How can any relationship, friendship, dating even family, function or have healthy longevity when one person thinks the other needs no one.

That’s how people seem to see me. I’m this statue that doesn’t need help, love, or other people to lean on. Just like a statue, people admire you, they wish they could be as “valued”, as “sought after”. They can appreciate your beauty, but they don’t really understand what made you that way. And we all know how things go when you have your favorite thing. You can’t put it down, and when you finally do, you never pick it back up.

But I’m not a statue. Me being a strong person has never negated my need for the same love, affection, or support that others receive. Me being strong is the result of not having those things, of being afraid, abused, mistreated, and told no one would ever love me. I’m strong because people were so unreliable and because I had to be; have to be.

I just don’t understand how people can look at that strength and use it as a reason to abandon me, treat me poorly, or constantly make me have to stand alone. Strength does not equate to heartless. It does not equate to not feeling pain or suffering. It just equates to me being able to ALWAYS make it through. That I ALWAYS fight.

Relationships: 1

I think a lot. Sometimes it’s superficial, sometimes it’s financial, but lately, lately, it’s been love and relationships. Not just the boyfriend kind, but all of them. I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought about the people who are in my life. Wondering if I’m holding on to any dead weight, if I need to let anything or anybody go. I’ve realized that I was holding on when there are multiple people in my life who are completely okay with passing me by or replacing me with someone else. I have realized that there are people I called my family who don’t know a single thing about my life, and I don’t know anything about theirs. WE aren’t family, maybe at some point we were, but I am a firm believer in having working relationships and not just worked to get and then got stagnant relationships. I don’t thrive in those kinds of anything. I need growth, I need to be present, need YOU to be present, and I need communication. Personally, anybody that can go weeks without speaking to me, is no longer someone I consider a vital part of my life.

 

This isn’t because I don’t love the person, but simply because I would rather spend my time, energy, and thoughts on people who make an actual effort to be in my life. Otherwise, I can love those other people as I have been; from afar. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that’s something else I’ve learned, we all have different highs and lows and transitions in our lives. Some people are balanced, some people are either all the way up or all the way down, and some people just don’t know how to be a good friend. There is a need for patience for all different types of friends, I just know I will no longer spend the time or energy to wonder why I’m so replaceable in certain people’s lives. I don’t care why, simply put, if it was worth worrying about it, I wouldn’t have the issue to worry about in the first place.

 

As far as dating, I expect the same thing. GROWTH. I don’t like being stagnant, I don’t like the same repetitive conversations. I want to look at him in a month and ask about something and learn about him. I want to look at him and be able to think “there’s so much to learn and get to know”. I don’t want to be with someone who’s boring, doesn’t communicate, and doesn’t show me who he is. I want to dive into the person I’m with. Your soul is something I want to be incredibly in tune with, and I want someone who’s looking for the same thing. He don’t want no girl who never wants to do anything, who’s okay with always being home sitting on her butt, who isn’t capable of taking care of herself, or who desperately NEEDS a man. I want someone who loves my lazy and adventurous side, and who’s hip that I am complex, complicated, beautiful, sought after, dedicated, loyal, crazy, annoying, clingy, and etc WITHOUT wanting to change me.

 

I’m not looking to be with someone who wants me to fit into a box. I am unable to be boxed. As I’ve told every ex, I am not something you can tame. I’m looking for someone to run wild WITH me, not ride my back until they’re tired of my crazy and then try to lock me in the cage until they’re ready for their next ride. He needs to run with me and learn to trust me when I run on my own. Speaking of trust…need that. I won’t ever again date someone I can’t trust. Done did that. I couldn’t trust him when we started, couldn’t trust him all 6 or 7 times it ended. It. Is. Vital.

 

I want a lot of things from my relationships. I have high expectations. But every person I’ve ever loved, whether friend or lover, has had the potential to meet those expectations. Some rise to that and some don’t. When I really boil it down though, I find that all of my expectations fit into a few topics; loving, trusting, good integrity, good character, seeking. Any and everything else I want can be put into those categories. And it’s not like I’m asking for perfection. I understand flaws, I am flawed, I will be flawed. What matters to me is effort. Telling me what you need, me telling you what I need, and US making sure those needs are met. To me…it’s very simple.

Down the Rabbit Hole: 1

I used to think that I was above wanting to prove something to my parents. I thought that I could care less about their approval. Maybe for somethings I don’t, but in my head, it was absolutely nothing. I wonder what it is that programs us, what is that pushes us to want to make our parents happy; albeit the bad things they may have done to us.

I ask myself ask that question all the time. And a part of me has always believed that my parents could be better people. Yet and still I hold on to the people they used to be. It makes no sense. It’s like on one side, I wanted better, but when they became somewhat better, I didn’t accept it. Everyday I wake up and expect them to still be the people that they used to be. It’s pathetic. Why pray for better and then not accept it or be open to it?

On the other side, you fight to be different. You fight to be a better person than they are/were. You fight to see all of their errors so that you don’t make the same ones. But what does that really do? For me it just hardens my heart towards them. I am isolated in my home and I’m not the only one. Each of us seem to have our own separate lives that we keep the other people in this house out of. I learned something about my brother that made me angry and sad, but where was I? He’s grown up now, and I didn’t help at all. I was too bitter that he was/is their favorite child. I was hateful towards him, spiteful even, for all of the beatings he never got that I did. For the lies he told that induced more beatings. For the love he seemed to get that I never got. For him KNOWING he was the favorite, and reminding me at the most inopportune moments that pushed me away from him. By the time he realized what he was doing, we already had a huge space between us. By the time I realized that mattered, I was away at college, wondering if he felt like I abandoned him.By then, it’s too late. We’re better now, but we let so much space get between us that we miss a lot.

I love my siblings, but I’ve noticed that my grasp of family, of sacrificing for my family is different. My other siblings, from my biological father, have a strong sense of family. Regardless of feeling sick or tired, they’ll still make time to go spend time with each other during gatherings. They’re there for each other, and they’re super supportive. They have this idea that no matter what, family comes first. It’s not like that for me, but I’m changing that. I see better, and I’m determined to open myself up to being more loving in my family. At some point, I have to stop allowing things from my past to hinder my growth. I have a lot to say, a lot I want to get off my chest. I know that’s what’s stopped me from moving on. I’ve always been that way. If I can’t say what I need I harbor whatever is bothering me so close that it becomes a part of who I am. I want to learn to let things go.

Even while I write this I’m thinking about so many things…all the times someone told me to suck it up and stop crying, “what happens at home stays at home”, “don’t tell anyone”, and all the other bs. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’ve really made any freaking process. That the last couple years have just been an act. That I’m a phony, and all the things that I thought I was better at, were just things I were play doing. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself. Or just moving through all this nonsense…who knows

Be Bold

I want to be bold. I used to think I would stand up for someone no matter what, but I’m realizing I don’t even stand up for myself. I’ve turned into a yes man. I say yes even when I don’t want to. I hold my tongue because people automatically think I have an attitude or am being rude because of who I used to be.

But that girl with attitude had been extremely bold. I really didn’t tolerate any foolishness. Now it’s like… I’ve compromised just to keep certain people in my life. I allow friends to be bad friends and I allow family members to speak down to me. I’m too old for that now.

Being bold is what I want. I want some of who I used to be back because some of the old me was amazing. 

Intimacy

I’d mentioned before in other posts that I’d realized intimacy is a big deal for me. I’m learning the different faces of intimacy and what they mean to me. It’s not like I’d never had these experiences, some of them I have, it’s just the mind I have now towards them is different. I don’t want to say I took those experiences for granted, but a apart of me feels like I did. Regardless. There’s now.

One form I find I love is intimacy through unsexual touch. It’s just touching someone to touch them. Just to feel their energy directly from them, to feel their warmth, to see how their body releases tension when they feel your skin connect, or the quick smile that passes through them. That’s food to me. Even in terms of my own tension, when I’m touched, the closer the person is to me, the more I have invested, and depending on their place in my heart and life, I will release a certain amount of tension, might even release some emotional garbage I needed to let go of.

It’s one of the main reasons why I’m so in love with the concept of cuddling and sleeping in bed with someone who will touch you and breathe your air (although normally that grosses me out- I will literally hold my breathe once I think someone is breathing my air or I’m breathing in their recycled air. I have no idea why it bothers me but anyway). It’s that energy transfer, that constant heat, your ability to stay physically connected to someone for hours without sexual tension, but most of all, your ability to feel rejuvenated when you wake up, even if you’ve only had a few hours of sleep that makes it so important to me. Not to get weird, because to me it’s not weird, but I have a friend. We don’t touch that often. When I looked back to see, I realized outside of certain situations, touching isn’t a habit like it usually is with me (this will be changing only because I’ve noticed I’m missing that part of intimacy, and don’t want to share it with someone else right now). But we still touch. It’s like our energy, or spirit, however you would like to name it, recognizes the other and that’s where the release comes from. Personally I think that’s dope, and it leads me to spiritual intimacy.

I don’t necessarily mean this in the biblical sense of the spiritual, but in the literal sense of my inner being. This, as far as I could see when self reflecting, is the second time that I’ve been able to connect like that with a member of the opposite sex. It’s interesting but I’m still observing, so I don’t want to speak too much on it yet. With the first person it happened with, I would literally think to call him, forget, then my phone would ring and it’ll be him calling or texting. Or I’d be sitting in class ready to quit or break down, and he’d send me a joke, annoy me to be funny, or send me random encouragement. And vice versus. The two times he’d received horrible news, I felt it. It was this cinder block of pain in the middle of my chest. It hit me out of no where, and “something” told me to see if he was okay. It wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t physical (although that helped), but it was that spiritual intimacy. Knowing someone’s deep down. Being in-sync. As far as the women I have that connection with, we’re so in-sync that we can think heavily on each other and text or call. It’s one of the most intense things I experience in my everyday life.

I could go into other forms but I think two is enough for now. I feel like this got a little long with the first two. But, I’m on the road to continuing self discovery so I kind of use this as a sounding board. See if other people have experienced these things with people. I often wonder if people are so angry because of the lack of intimacy. I know I was. I was searching for it, not even knowing or understanding what exactly I was looking for. Which is how I began to love someone who showed me, and set me in the direction to seeing what it really meant. Now, I find myself delightfully in the the midst of gathering more wisdom and knowledge on it. The more I read, feel, think about it, the closer I feel to myself. The closer I feel to the people I already have relationships with.

It gives me more understanding with no changes to the relationship. The growth of personal knowledge in itself helps me to deepen those relationships. Helps me guide my emotions and my attitude. So much has shifted for me since I started paying attention to what my real needs are. Keying intimacy as a huge one was the best first step I could’ve made to emotional wholeness.

Thank You

I just wanted to make a quick post to update on my mindset, and how I’ve been feeling the last few days. Health wise, I’ve been having a rough go of it. My vision has been blurring and flashing more than usual, headaches are back to being daily, body pains, problems with my speech, and major fatigue. It has been a little rough. Even when dealing with those things, I really am only bothered when it comes to my speech, dementia, and fatigue.

I’ve always been an active person, especially at night. I am a night owl by trade; so much so my dad used to frequently call me Vampire. I couldn’t help it; 1am-6am are the hours of my muse. I’m also big on going out. EVERYONE who knows me knows I love going out and hanging out with the people I care about. The dementia is a beast in and of itself. I’d been noticing my memory and temperament slipping for the last few weeks, but chucked it up to me just being tired and missing things. Having a diagnosis, albeit it’s negative stigma, I am positive that in a few weeks of serious health tending, I will be better than I was. Anyway…

I’m not sad anymore. I’d like to say I’m not overwhelmed either, but some moments I am (personally that’s a lot better than feeling like I’m drowning every second). I can say that I’m hopeful. For a while I’d lost hope and felt defeated by everything I have going on. I’ve determined that even though this all sucks majorly, I’m going to be as positive as I can be, and use my support system. I know a couple of my post where negative, but if I only post the positive, I feel dishonest because I have those days (sometimes those weeks).

Regardless, I have been touched by those who have taken the time to read my blog, to those who have received texted and called, and everyone who has said an encouraging word of support. It probably seems empty to them, or like it isn’t enough, but its hope and love to me.

So thank you.

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