Morning Thoughts

People often have excuse after excuse for why their life is the way it is. Or like to say that they’re being a poor friend or family member because they have the proverbial “lot going on” (but honestly who doesn’t?). I’ve been blessed to have friends, framily (friends that are family), and family who acknowledge their own decisions and how they have consequences. Recently I have emotionally cut off a few individuals for my life. One an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I considered framily, but soon learned that relationship was one sided. Both of them have a lot in common. This intense obsession to be concerned with what others think of them, while also sabotaging how people will think of them. Both refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes and how those mistakes and decisions have placed them where they are in life. I look back at all the time I’ve invested in them, and I remind myself in all things there is a lesson. Mine, you can only help someone as much as they will allow. And when that help turns into enabling or a crutch, you HAVE to change the situation, either with boundaries, or removing yourself altogether. After spending years trying to cultivate these relationships, of trying to support, I let them go. To be honest the pain was terrible. More so for the friend than the ex, but still, it was hard. I cried for days, never getting angry, but just this overwhelming sadness that someone who claimed to love me could do certain things and then lie to my face about it. But the lessons I’ve taken away from the last, almost decade of “friendship” and the brief romantic flame, have been amazing. I can see some areas I definitely need to improve upon, and more than anything, I am grateful to learn that there are some deep running faults I need to heal and repair.

One thing I find that really makes me a good person, is that I am willing to see where I did, went wrong in a situation, and apologize for it. Not just apologize but try to see what behavior and thoughts led me to do the wrong thing so that I can work on it. I am self-reflective (have to shoutout my friendmate (friend + soulmate) Gian for that), and the growth I get from that has been astronomical compared to the pain I’ve felt for bad choices I’ve made. Even in these two relationships, I really sat down and analyzed all the things I did wrong, not them, but me. Why? Because my response, my thoughts, my actions, are the only thing in this world that I am responsible for. So even though the ex continues to be a thorn in my side, I try to rise above. I try to control the rage and absolute “slap a b****” in check; don’t get me wrong, it’s the most difficult thing in my life right now; barring health issues. But the struggle is worth it, my patience when this is over, working with the assumption I continue to be positive and act in a way I would be proud of, will be immaculate. So, remember, take responsibility for your part and portion, and do what you can to improve regardless of the situation or the actions of others. No one said it would be easy, but nothing worth having or doing is. The outcome is ALWAYS worth it when you do the right thing!

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Begin to End 

They want you to do what’s best for you until that best excludes them, leaves them behind, or can’t be satisfied by just them. When you need more because everything you had is destroying you, so you have no option but to start over or die as more pieces of yourself are razored away into faux stretch marks. When your own hands need to be left behind because they leave marks of darkness across your “perfect skin”, and your mind needs to be left behind because it tells you everyday you’ll never make it without jumping off the edge, without burning everything around you to the ground, or without watching as everything melts like crayons under the Las Vegas Sun. 

Bleeding until it’s all mixed. Into something beautiful? Something abstract? Something that hardens and becomes twisted from the original rainbow of beauty? The most beautiful things can turn into something you don’t recognize when the damage becomes too much, when the paper holding it together weakens, the beauty leaks out, oils stain the paper, even when what made it beautiful is gone, it’s never forgotten. How can it be when that’s the only reason it was ever wanted. 

What is this twisted thing, feet dangling, hands gripping the rail, mind miles down searching the ground for answers never found. How long to hit rock bottom, to begin again or embrace the end. To rise again or leave the splatter of color trailing into the sea and soaking the fallen leaves. 

Don’t want the world to know I’m by myself…don’t want the world to know I’m on your shelf…There’s no coloring around us anymore

– Coloring by Kevin Garrett

Never satisfied – insatiable

Always wandering – lost

Endlessly let down – disappointed

Trying to make it work – exhausted

Compulsion

Check out one of my latest pieces 😀

Vague Wanderer

I can feel you, right above my skin, the warmth

of your need makes me shake a spearmint

breeze, that hollow ache is there, in the pit

of my stomach, waiting to be filled by you over

and over again. I close my eyes, darkness giving way

to images of you caressing me. The smell of your

skin, the taste of the sheets, my hands reach out, wishing

you were within reach. I feel the tightness release and

tighten again, wanting something to hold onto. Imagining

the moan you would make, brings my own, it’s been torture.

Images of things I haven’t yet seen plague me, raise my

curiosity like the arch I want you to put in my back. A

few touches have me scorched. Any time I remember

where your hands met skin, it sweats, burns even. I

feel it like a trail of hard earned sweat running

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Changes

Strong hands kneed the pain to the surface, weaker knees fight to stay straight, when all I want is to bend until my body is beneath yours. Your smile reassures me, or attempts to, the sweat trail starts with mixed thoughts of how hard those teeth bite. The chill that sways me like willow leaves hits a second time, almost keeping me trapped within the moment. I clench at the thought of your mouth on me. Clench more at the thought of my nails leaving their own trails across your shoulders and back. 

Feeling your hands trace my essence, gives me all the life I need. Basking in your light feeds the starved beast within me, gives me a moment to stop, throw my head back, and see the things around me. 

Breath

Feed me more, unwilling to let go, refusing to be satiated, I want it all. To be full off you, would be the end of a dream, not ready to let the fantasy go. I just want you to save me. 

Compulsion

I can feel you, right above my skin, the warmth

of your need makes me shake a spearmint

breeze, that hollow ache is there, in the pit

of my stomach, waiting to be filled by you over

and over again. I close my eyes, darkness giving way

to images of you caressing me. The smell of your

skin, the taste of the sheets, my hands reach out, wishing

you were within reach. I feel the tightness release and

tighten again, wanting something to hold onto. Imagining

the moan you would make, brings my own, it’s been torture.

Images of things I haven’t yet seen plague me, raise my

curiosity like the arch I want you to put in my back. A

few touches have me scorched. Any time I remember

where your hands met skin, it sweats, burns even. I

feel it like a trail of hard earned sweat running

between my breasts and into my navel. I feel it

like hands pressed against my hips to keep me

angled just right on the bed. My thighs

shake, remembering the sight of your

head between them, imagining the

feeling of what could have come

from those lips. My toes point

giving me more movement

to arch, to reach you, to

reach what I want to

feel; to release.

Solitude

Most people who know me, or have kept up with this blog know that I have issues with pain and my nerves. The problem with this issue is that because I don’t “look” sick, people often forget or choose to ignore that I’m easily hurt. Beyond that, when they do hurt me, and then I get pissed off because I’m in unnecessary pain, they don’t understand that I don’t feel like having them in my space. What I’ve been learning is to just distance myself and stop feeling like I owe people explanations. Whether it is for physical pain, or emotional pain; idc anymore. I have been giving myself time to heal pains, and not allow people to add more onto my shoulders than necessary.

There are only certain things that you NEED to tolerate or deal with. Beyond those things, I refuse to keep asking for more, asking for better, or begging someone to be better towards me. Now, I’m done. Now I’m enjoying my life, and making sure that my mental state is where it needs to be. The beauty of this is, once I move, I have my own space, a place to zen out, to write, to be at peace, to have quiet, and to just be myself and not have to communicate with anyone. That’s what I’m most looking forward too…time and quiet.

Not Rocket Science

I find myself saying this a lot lately. People make things so much more complicated than they have to be. And I’m not saying that sometimes things DON’T get complicated, but everyday, every week, every month, there is not a huge conflict in relationships; if there is, that sounds toxic.

 

It’s crazy to me that people can’t see when they are pushing you away, and or pushing you to the point where you don’t want anything to do with them. This is regardless of loving them, them being a friend, or being family. I have two people in my life, one family, the other a “friend” who I love, but currently don’t want to have anything to do with. It’s like they coordinate their screw ups and bs excuses and repetitive apologizes.

But there’s no reason to keep apologizing. A part of being a human being is having the ability to learn. Some people learn quickly, others a little slower. But we have this ability, so why not use it? It simply doesn’t make sense to me that people would rather make the same poor decisions versus improve. 

Admit

I can’t speak for everyone, but admitting that it hurts has often been a big step in my healing from an emotional or mental trauma. No matter how big or small the issue, knowing that you have been affected by someone’s (and sometimes even our own) actions can open your eyes that you NEED to heal. If you don’t know you need to heal, how can you?

via Daily Prompt: Heal

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