Morning Thoughts

People often have excuse after excuse for why their life is the way it is. Or like to say that they’re being a poor friend or family member because they have the proverbial “lot going on” (but honestly who doesn’t?). I’ve been blessed to have friends, framily (friends that are family), and family who acknowledge their own decisions and how they have consequences. Recently I have emotionally cut off a few individuals for my life. One an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I considered framily, but soon learned that relationship was one sided. Both of them have a lot in common. This intense obsession to be concerned with what others think of them, while also sabotaging how people will think of them. Both refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes and how those mistakes and decisions have placed them where they are in life. I look back at all the time I’ve invested in them, and I remind myself in all things there is a lesson. Mine, you can only help someone as much as they will allow. And when that help turns into enabling or a crutch, you HAVE to change the situation, either with boundaries, or removing yourself altogether. After spending years trying to cultivate these relationships, of trying to support, I let them go. To be honest the pain was terrible. More so for the friend than the ex, but still, it was hard. I cried for days, never getting angry, but just this overwhelming sadness that someone who claimed to love me could do certain things and then lie to my face about it. But the lessons I’ve taken away from the last, almost decade of “friendship” and the brief romantic flame, have been amazing. I can see some areas I definitely need to improve upon, and more than anything, I am grateful to learn that there are some deep running faults I need to heal and repair.

One thing I find that really makes me a good person, is that I am willing to see where I did, went wrong in a situation, and apologize for it. Not just apologize but try to see what behavior and thoughts led me to do the wrong thing so that I can work on it. I am self-reflective (have to shoutout my friendmate (friend + soulmate) Gian for that), and the growth I get from that has been astronomical compared to the pain I’ve felt for bad choices I’ve made. Even in these two relationships, I really sat down and analyzed all the things I did wrong, not them, but me. Why? Because my response, my thoughts, my actions, are the only thing in this world that I am responsible for. So even though the ex continues to be a thorn in my side, I try to rise above. I try to control the rage and absolute “slap a b****” in check; don’t get me wrong, it’s the most difficult thing in my life right now; barring health issues. But the struggle is worth it, my patience when this is over, working with the assumption I continue to be positive and act in a way I would be proud of, will be immaculate. So, remember, take responsibility for your part and portion, and do what you can to improve regardless of the situation or the actions of others. No one said it would be easy, but nothing worth having or doing is. The outcome is ALWAYS worth it when you do the right thing!

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Might As Well

be alone. Because what is the point?

People swear they love you, but when

you’re down

and out

it’s only you, you can turn to. When

your back is against the wall, and you’re

looking for someone to break

your fall, just to realize they stole the grass

to help soften the blow.

Confused by the love people claim they feel,

when anytime there’s a problem, they can’t heel.

If you, gotta do it all on your own, you might as well

be all alone.

Why stress yourself with the problems of someone else,

when they’re one of the reasons, your life got mess?

How important are they, to suck your joy, and spit on

your hope, with no recourse?

Might as well be alone.

 

The Pressure

to always have to explain the questions that were never asked,

but the attitude I felt, the backlash, the reclusive nature of the dream.

to repeat why love is given, and how happiness has no figure yet,

it’s never enough, albeit when it’s over that’s all one ever wants.

to say it’s okay even when it’s not because the mind is a terrible

thing to hurt, waste, deceive, and yet you deceived me.

to not give up every time you overreacted and sucked the air from

my lungs, to replace with frustration and strangulation.

to lying in bed with saline painting new paths, almost

engraving over the old one’s. New boos old news.

to letting go when saying the truth is no longer enough, when

all the words mean nothing, because the actions are stuck.

to asking over and over, what do you want, and patiently waiting

for an answer that was “I don’t know”.

to sitting up and hearing your dreams, speaking of plans, and watching

you do absolutely nothing.

to strain, that ache and pull, a familiar friend, a friend I didn’t

want to ever see or feel again.

to the corruption of love, to the pressure.

 

Relationships: 2

Communication.

Labels.

Ironic, how without labels, it seems the communication is where it needs to be. Equally more ironic, is how complicated communicating gets once a label is added to the equation. Often makes me wonder why even get into a relationship. Why not just stay friends.

The guessing games get old, the passive aggressive comments, posts, or attitudes get old. Everything that doesn’t actually HELP the situation, but adds more stress, is old. I’ve been down that route so many times with old relationships that I’ve realized, finally, I don’t have the tolerance for it. Never really have, yet I allowed myself to continue dealing with it. Among the many other things I allowed myself to deal with, after my last go around of lessons learned, I knew that communication and trust are literal BASICS.

Without those two things, what’s the point? And if you can’t be honest, if you can’t talk, if you can’t explore an issue with your partner, then why be with that person. Why not be with someone you can talk to, even when it’s hard, even when it’s frustrating? I mean, I get it. I honestly do. People assume that I love real communication. That I love handling things head on, but in all reality I HATE IT. I simply suck it up and DO IT because it is NECESSARY. I don’t LIKE conflict, I’m just good at working through it. People automatically assume that means you like it, and that you always want to deal with it.

I dislike it so much I don’t even know how to appropriately express it, but do you know what I dislike even more? Hard feelings, spitefulness, lack of communication, and passive aggressive bs that prolong simple issues (or even big issues). Just suck it up, say what needs to be said, and handle it. This is for dating relationships and other relationships, I just don’t get why people can’t see that clearly.

Fixation

Liquid love, trickled from the spring, tightly wound, nursed by need, falling into insatiable containers, searching holes, but it’s soaked within pores. Trickled turned steady flows, no longer soaking pores, but nursing hands, and searching mouths. Gather in the folds,

Hold.

Be kind to the edges, preen to
perfection, feel the hills, tenderly
exploring, meeting weakened
points. Eyes blind, mouth
full, ears filled

Give.

Relief, the flow a sigh, constant,
a moan? Grateful to be free, found
cared for. Account for the pores, where
is each one, within the hungered
grasp, belly consuming, a never
ending thirst.

Grief

Stuffed back in, weakend points
forgotten, fluid smoothed edges
ignored, shrubbery to replace
careful hands. Where has my
gardener gone, has the flow of
love stopped in the flow of time.

Tired

How can any relationship, friendship, dating even family, function or have healthy longevity when one person thinks the other needs no one.

That’s how people seem to see me. I’m this statue that doesn’t need help, love, or other people to lean on. Just like a statue, people admire you, they wish they could be as “valued”, as “sought after”. They can appreciate your beauty, but they don’t really understand what made you that way. And we all know how things go when you have your favorite thing. You can’t put it down, and when you finally do, you never pick it back up.

But I’m not a statue. Me being a strong person has never negated my need for the same love, affection, or support that others receive. Me being strong is the result of not having those things, of being afraid, abused, mistreated, and told no one would ever love me. I’m strong because people were so unreliable and because I had to be; have to be.

I just don’t understand how people can look at that strength and use it as a reason to abandon me, treat me poorly, or constantly make me have to stand alone. Strength does not equate to heartless. It does not equate to not feeling pain or suffering. It just equates to me being able to ALWAYS make it through. That I ALWAYS fight.

Random Thoughts

I am a thinker, a chronic thinker.

I store comments like a squirrel and nuts. Like that one from Ice Age that just can’t let that one nut go.

It can be a bad thing, as it can prevent me from moving on from a situation, but it can also be a good thing.

Like an 🐘 I horde things in my mind. A pack 🐀 of unnecessary things. But then there are the treasures.

All the times he calls me sweetheart, opens up his heart and mind to me, compliments me, or special moments in general, those are what I call the highlight reel.

I sometimes get sad often. And I use these reels to help me. They calm me, give me things to look forward to, motivate me to conquer whatever is pulling me down.

Its important, positive reinforcement, telling someone you see the growth in them. My sister commented on one of my posts here, and whenever I need a boost, I go back and read her comment. I look at her sincerity and I meditate on her encouragement.

Or my daughter. A simple “i love you ma” changes the course of my emotional state. Its a reminder that not only am I cared for, but I have responsibilities. I have to work hard not just for me but for my friends and family so that we can get better collectively.

Be encouraged.
Find the little things.
Hold on to them.
Because when things get hard, the little things add up, a foundation is built, and before you know it, you’re elevated amd elated.

Wild Child

You speak to me, spirit to spirit, you
recognize yourself in my words, when
your spirit connects to mine we run free. You
allow me, I allow you, together, ride the waves,
let them pass, back to rest, we give space
to be, not too much, enough, with
time to grow, just not apart.

Your soul is the fire I’ve been looking for, lost
I was seeking, jumping, running from candle to
candle, when I needed a raging fire, a great typhoon, a
tranquil forest, somewhere I could burn, drown, and renew
my mind body soul. With no qualms you engulfed me,
tore me apart, planted seeds, and watered them.

Love and positivity, no nonsense
words spoken to ignite me, change
of mindset, you entice me. You are
my fresh air in the midst of sparkly pollution.
No greener the grass, give me that smile, those
lips, the depths of those eyes, that hide behind
the fear of me seeing the man beneath.

But I see you, with clarity that you grant
me, time and time again when you show
the root of my love, your heart, a man seeking,
diving for treasures left untouched.

https://open.spotify.com/track/1GWVyqmjhJkUfqaJwUk8Xi

Relationships: 1

I think a lot. Sometimes it’s superficial, sometimes it’s financial, but lately, lately, it’s been love and relationships. Not just the boyfriend kind, but all of them. I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought about the people who are in my life. Wondering if I’m holding on to any dead weight, if I need to let anything or anybody go. I’ve realized that I was holding on when there are multiple people in my life who are completely okay with passing me by or replacing me with someone else. I have realized that there are people I called my family who don’t know a single thing about my life, and I don’t know anything about theirs. WE aren’t family, maybe at some point we were, but I am a firm believer in having working relationships and not just worked to get and then got stagnant relationships. I don’t thrive in those kinds of anything. I need growth, I need to be present, need YOU to be present, and I need communication. Personally, anybody that can go weeks without speaking to me, is no longer someone I consider a vital part of my life.

 

This isn’t because I don’t love the person, but simply because I would rather spend my time, energy, and thoughts on people who make an actual effort to be in my life. Otherwise, I can love those other people as I have been; from afar. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that’s something else I’ve learned, we all have different highs and lows and transitions in our lives. Some people are balanced, some people are either all the way up or all the way down, and some people just don’t know how to be a good friend. There is a need for patience for all different types of friends, I just know I will no longer spend the time or energy to wonder why I’m so replaceable in certain people’s lives. I don’t care why, simply put, if it was worth worrying about it, I wouldn’t have the issue to worry about in the first place.

 

As far as dating, I expect the same thing. GROWTH. I don’t like being stagnant, I don’t like the same repetitive conversations. I want to look at him in a month and ask about something and learn about him. I want to look at him and be able to think “there’s so much to learn and get to know”. I don’t want to be with someone who’s boring, doesn’t communicate, and doesn’t show me who he is. I want to dive into the person I’m with. Your soul is something I want to be incredibly in tune with, and I want someone who’s looking for the same thing. He don’t want no girl who never wants to do anything, who’s okay with always being home sitting on her butt, who isn’t capable of taking care of herself, or who desperately NEEDS a man. I want someone who loves my lazy and adventurous side, and who’s hip that I am complex, complicated, beautiful, sought after, dedicated, loyal, crazy, annoying, clingy, and etc WITHOUT wanting to change me.

 

I’m not looking to be with someone who wants me to fit into a box. I am unable to be boxed. As I’ve told every ex, I am not something you can tame. I’m looking for someone to run wild WITH me, not ride my back until they’re tired of my crazy and then try to lock me in the cage until they’re ready for their next ride. He needs to run with me and learn to trust me when I run on my own. Speaking of trust…need that. I won’t ever again date someone I can’t trust. Done did that. I couldn’t trust him when we started, couldn’t trust him all 6 or 7 times it ended. It. Is. Vital.

 

I want a lot of things from my relationships. I have high expectations. But every person I’ve ever loved, whether friend or lover, has had the potential to meet those expectations. Some rise to that and some don’t. When I really boil it down though, I find that all of my expectations fit into a few topics; loving, trusting, good integrity, good character, seeking. Any and everything else I want can be put into those categories. And it’s not like I’m asking for perfection. I understand flaws, I am flawed, I will be flawed. What matters to me is effort. Telling me what you need, me telling you what I need, and US making sure those needs are met. To me…it’s very simple.

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