Disguise

Love is freedom, the real thing, right now just feels like barely flying with half clipped wings, made it through the storm, fought for my piece of quiet on an island of chaos and poor choice. Took off, hoping to soar, felt the circuit in the air, engorged on the wave. Yet the oil hit important things, pulled me to surface, below, sinking even as water tried to arrest it from me. Again, thought to be free, the promise of sunlight encouraged me. But it wasn’t sunlight, just the glint of a predators eyes, the flick of a weapon used to distract my true eyes, never seeing past its’ disguise. I grew gills. Who needs the sun, the air, who wants to fly when the flicker of different captures your soul. 

Like all constant lights, when there is no wane, no wax, there is no reality. It betrayed me. Attached to the fatty parts and slowly ate from me. When I realized I could barely swim, fins half eaten, belly trailing the ocean floor, whatever was left of the sinew, I remembered what it was to soar. Slowly, lifted, dragging him with me, hoping even still, instead of gills and fins, I could teach him to glide above the waves. The trickle of warmth sped my return, even though the weight was a burden. Harder he bit, my heart all that was left, I could feel the rays, knew I was almost safe. 

The surface welcomed me, sun asked where I had been, moon told me to never hide again. The rain kissed me repeatedly, it missed the flavor of my skin, the wind caressed me, filling holes retracing the pattern of who I had been. I left him. The waves pulled us apart. The elements knew, he had a piece of my heart. They knew gills would always tempt me, and my heart would falsely lead me, so his gills never changed, his focus stayed the same, before he was out of sight, he set his flicker to falsely set another aflame. 

Mistaken

All you wanted was for someone to love you for you, but you hid behind the make up of someone well put together, lied with your eyes, with secrets; the words unspoken. What you needed, you received, still not enough for you to leave the past to die, falling to your knees, you let the beast ride, tumbling from the path where you wanted to be, the blindness, blood loss, mental fatigue led you to crawl upon the brambles.

Her voice spoke softly, her hands caressed, attempted to pull you, wipe your eyes, allow your head to rest upon her breast. Just for you to wake, pull at her hair, enter her mouth and yoke her heart from it’s strings. Starved you feed, mind in a haze, knowing only that you wish to be full; that she makes you full.

Not enough, you take her eyes, even as she holds sight for the end of your journey, who you could be, would be if you changed course, let go of the beast, and walked on your own two feet. Not enough, your hands in her womb, the life she was ready to give, you pull until a tunnel of life sheds a skin. Like a rabid thing, you drink until there is no yoke.

Your 4 eyes, belly full of life, those feet you couldn’t stand on, gain strength. How could they not.

Relationships: 2

Communication.

Labels.

Ironic, how without labels, it seems the communication is where it needs to be. Equally more ironic, is how complicated communicating gets once a label is added to the equation. Often makes me wonder why even get into a relationship. Why not just stay friends.

The guessing games get old, the passive aggressive comments, posts, or attitudes get old. Everything that doesn’t actually HELP the situation, but adds more stress, is old. I’ve been down that route so many times with old relationships that I’ve realized, finally, I don’t have the tolerance for it. Never really have, yet I allowed myself to continue dealing with it. Among the many other things I allowed myself to deal with, after my last go around of lessons learned, I knew that communication and trust are literal BASICS.

Without those two things, what’s the point? And if you can’t be honest, if you can’t talk, if you can’t explore an issue with your partner, then why be with that person. Why not be with someone you can talk to, even when it’s hard, even when it’s frustrating? I mean, I get it. I honestly do. People assume that I love real communication. That I love handling things head on, but in all reality I HATE IT. I simply suck it up and DO IT because it is NECESSARY. I don’t LIKE conflict, I’m just good at working through it. People automatically assume that means you like it, and that you always want to deal with it.

I dislike it so much I don’t even know how to appropriately express it, but do you know what I dislike even more? Hard feelings, spitefulness, lack of communication, and passive aggressive bs that prolong simple issues (or even big issues). Just suck it up, say what needs to be said, and handle it. This is for dating relationships and other relationships, I just don’t get why people can’t see that clearly.

Bearing Fruit

I wandered into you, seeking a place to

lay my head, a harbor to dock my

soul, a ground, sturdy enough to

grow my roots, I felt my way through

weeds, traveled un-tarred roads, fell

into bramble patches that scarred the

depths of my soul. So much so, my

nomadic roots cannibalized tears to make

dew in starved lands.

 

You saw my journey, roots hanging by

fibers, some dried to bone, you took the

sheers and preened them off, made room for

new roots, spoke life, shed love, watched it gather,

and gave nourishment to many times refurbished

joints. Laid with me a porous sponge. Said you would

bury your doubts, and fears, pray for something new, more

fresh, clean, something to build you when you

eat.

 

Fears and doubts soaked into my roots, mixed

with the harshness created from the roaming

genes. Attacked by antibodies, wrapped and

swallowed whole, those fears lost, the doubts

were re-purposed into dreams, not deferred but

renewed. I waited for the first  bud, and lost

leaves, shaking, anxious, waiting for you to see

the expected fruit.

 

You ran your hands through, felt the smooth

skin, admired the shine and give, you plucked your

choice, said it resembled a lasting sin, took a bite, closed

your eyes, reminisced, and saw new beginnings. Fear to

hope, while thoughts of death spoke now to food for your

soul. Your thumb and forefinger met, separated by thin

cased fluid you gifted to flow, I watched the thought, saw

it grow, knew I would stay watered, you needed the fruit.

You needed to be whole.

Tired

How can any relationship, friendship, dating even family, function or have healthy longevity when one person thinks the other needs no one.

That’s how people seem to see me. I’m this statue that doesn’t need help, love, or other people to lean on. Just like a statue, people admire you, they wish they could be as “valued”, as “sought after”. They can appreciate your beauty, but they don’t really understand what made you that way. And we all know how things go when you have your favorite thing. You can’t put it down, and when you finally do, you never pick it back up.

But I’m not a statue. Me being a strong person has never negated my need for the same love, affection, or support that others receive. Me being strong is the result of not having those things, of being afraid, abused, mistreated, and told no one would ever love me. I’m strong because people were so unreliable and because I had to be; have to be.

I just don’t understand how people can look at that strength and use it as a reason to abandon me, treat me poorly, or constantly make me have to stand alone. Strength does not equate to heartless. It does not equate to not feeling pain or suffering. It just equates to me being able to ALWAYS make it through. That I ALWAYS fight.

Random Thoughts

I am a thinker, a chronic thinker.

I store comments like a squirrel and nuts. Like that one from Ice Age that just can’t let that one nut go.

It can be a bad thing, as it can prevent me from moving on from a situation, but it can also be a good thing.

Like an 🐘 I horde things in my mind. A pack 🐀 of unnecessary things. But then there are the treasures.

All the times he calls me sweetheart, opens up his heart and mind to me, compliments me, or special moments in general, those are what I call the highlight reel.

I sometimes get sad often. And I use these reels to help me. They calm me, give me things to look forward to, motivate me to conquer whatever is pulling me down.

Its important, positive reinforcement, telling someone you see the growth in them. My sister commented on one of my posts here, and whenever I need a boost, I go back and read her comment. I look at her sincerity and I meditate on her encouragement.

Or my daughter. A simple “i love you ma” changes the course of my emotional state. Its a reminder that not only am I cared for, but I have responsibilities. I have to work hard not just for me but for my friends and family so that we can get better collectively.

Be encouraged.
Find the little things.
Hold on to them.
Because when things get hard, the little things add up, a foundation is built, and before you know it, you’re elevated amd elated.

Wild Child

You speak to me, spirit to spirit, you
recognize yourself in my words, when
your spirit connects to mine we run free. You
allow me, I allow you, together, ride the waves,
let them pass, back to rest, we give space
to be, not too much, enough, with
time to grow, just not apart.

Your soul is the fire I’ve been looking for, lost
I was seeking, jumping, running from candle to
candle, when I needed a raging fire, a great typhoon, a
tranquil forest, somewhere I could burn, drown, and renew
my mind body soul. With no qualms you engulfed me,
tore me apart, planted seeds, and watered them.

Love and positivity, no nonsense
words spoken to ignite me, change
of mindset, you entice me. You are
my fresh air in the midst of sparkly pollution.
No greener the grass, give me that smile, those
lips, the depths of those eyes, that hide behind
the fear of me seeing the man beneath.

But I see you, with clarity that you grant
me, time and time again when you show
the root of my love, your heart, a man seeking,
diving for treasures left untouched.

https://open.spotify.com/track/1GWVyqmjhJkUfqaJwUk8Xi

Relationships: 1

I think a lot. Sometimes it’s superficial, sometimes it’s financial, but lately, lately, it’s been love and relationships. Not just the boyfriend kind, but all of them. I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep thought about the people who are in my life. Wondering if I’m holding on to any dead weight, if I need to let anything or anybody go. I’ve realized that I was holding on when there are multiple people in my life who are completely okay with passing me by or replacing me with someone else. I have realized that there are people I called my family who don’t know a single thing about my life, and I don’t know anything about theirs. WE aren’t family, maybe at some point we were, but I am a firm believer in having working relationships and not just worked to get and then got stagnant relationships. I don’t thrive in those kinds of anything. I need growth, I need to be present, need YOU to be present, and I need communication. Personally, anybody that can go weeks without speaking to me, is no longer someone I consider a vital part of my life.

 

This isn’t because I don’t love the person, but simply because I would rather spend my time, energy, and thoughts on people who make an actual effort to be in my life. Otherwise, I can love those other people as I have been; from afar. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that’s something else I’ve learned, we all have different highs and lows and transitions in our lives. Some people are balanced, some people are either all the way up or all the way down, and some people just don’t know how to be a good friend. There is a need for patience for all different types of friends, I just know I will no longer spend the time or energy to wonder why I’m so replaceable in certain people’s lives. I don’t care why, simply put, if it was worth worrying about it, I wouldn’t have the issue to worry about in the first place.

 

As far as dating, I expect the same thing. GROWTH. I don’t like being stagnant, I don’t like the same repetitive conversations. I want to look at him in a month and ask about something and learn about him. I want to look at him and be able to think “there’s so much to learn and get to know”. I don’t want to be with someone who’s boring, doesn’t communicate, and doesn’t show me who he is. I want to dive into the person I’m with. Your soul is something I want to be incredibly in tune with, and I want someone who’s looking for the same thing. He don’t want no girl who never wants to do anything, who’s okay with always being home sitting on her butt, who isn’t capable of taking care of herself, or who desperately NEEDS a man. I want someone who loves my lazy and adventurous side, and who’s hip that I am complex, complicated, beautiful, sought after, dedicated, loyal, crazy, annoying, clingy, and etc WITHOUT wanting to change me.

 

I’m not looking to be with someone who wants me to fit into a box. I am unable to be boxed. As I’ve told every ex, I am not something you can tame. I’m looking for someone to run wild WITH me, not ride my back until they’re tired of my crazy and then try to lock me in the cage until they’re ready for their next ride. He needs to run with me and learn to trust me when I run on my own. Speaking of trust…need that. I won’t ever again date someone I can’t trust. Done did that. I couldn’t trust him when we started, couldn’t trust him all 6 or 7 times it ended. It. Is. Vital.

 

I want a lot of things from my relationships. I have high expectations. But every person I’ve ever loved, whether friend or lover, has had the potential to meet those expectations. Some rise to that and some don’t. When I really boil it down though, I find that all of my expectations fit into a few topics; loving, trusting, good integrity, good character, seeking. Any and everything else I want can be put into those categories. And it’s not like I’m asking for perfection. I understand flaws, I am flawed, I will be flawed. What matters to me is effort. Telling me what you need, me telling you what I need, and US making sure those needs are met. To me…it’s very simple.

Down the Rabbit Hole: 2

I’d never looked at you that way. The attraction not even a distant dream. That one night changed things. You said we played with fire, I laughed it off, you weren’t what I truly desired. That one night changed things. You dropped me off at home, told me to kiss you as you grabbed me close, I said no, and shoved away. I didn’t like the anxiety, the shaking, as if my legs would give way. Your eyes were sure, mine filled with fear. In that moment, I knew your mind had been here.
For me, kissing isn’t for fun; unless you’re drunk. Even still, I’m careful because of the transfer. It’s a window. A tie to me. Growing up I stopped being affectionate, but kissing. Kissing opens the door.

The night things changed, your lips were air, fire, water, and earth. Giving life, burning it away, washing it clean, and keeping me grounded. No mental connection, no emotions. Your body not what I expected; every bit glorious. Weeks go by, a month’s time, I see jealousy in my eyes, hear jealousy in your voice, yet we avoided making a choice.
People have always told me that I am aggressive. bold. Blunt. But they also tell me I’m a Rabbit. I run when afraid. Bolt when I feel pain. I thought avoidance would help me stay sane.

You told me you just wanted someone to love you. Love you for who you are. I raised my eyebrow at you, but also at the jitter I felt at the back of my mind. “You care about him” I ran from the idea, found it again, reminded that voice, “we’re just friends”. I made myself forget.
I didn’t run this time, but maybe I should. My planted feet slow to respond, while the hands that placed us are long gone. A visitor, a shadow, more full, although less strong, comes and waters us, feeds us, and reminds us of the sun.

Treasured Garbage

    your hoarded speeches, convoluted
    excuses, reasons for saying no, yet
    still riding down the road, your
    mind made up where lack of
    sense has struck.

Taken
    for granted, love returned with
    titles held, lies to the fish
    swimming around the hook, bait
    nipping to test the worm, nipping
    to test the man.

Abused Use
    you’ve begun to change, when
    will you see I have stayed, prayed,
    but will leave, heart bleeding, tears
    trailing, if the tide continues to
    rise, I must survive.

Repeated Dreams
    of you, me, yet reality claims you
    after every blink, that beat. After
    every caress, constricting relief, lying
    exhausted, efforts overpoured, but
    the fire everlasting, scorched soul.