Currently

I’m in a unique position for my life, but a transitional period like many others I’ve had, will have, and have witnessed others having.

I don’t feel like I’m failing, which is new for me. Normally I feel like I’m going to fail in a blaze of hellish glory, but this time I feel confident and I’m almost excited (mixed with small doses of dread) about how things are changing.

One of the slightly annoying things that has happened as a side effect of all the changes, is the migraines are back. I’ve had one going on two weeks tomorrow. Most days it’s a fly in my ear, and I can manage around it, but sometimes it’s unbearable. Being on the phone and calling people all day (phone ringing) can make my brain feel like it’s actually rattling. Between that and the pain being ridiculous, I feel like I’ve had opportunity after opportunity to cut up, as I have in the past; not this time. I have been oddly mopey and even more strangely quiet at work, but no lashing out. Even still, I want to do better, because on the days when it’s really bad, like earlier today, I still feel like I’m too short tempered.

It has been mentally fatiguing, I’ve been a bit sluggish, and that’s been hard for me to accept. I’m used to being quick tongued, clear headed, but maybe less and less in the last couple years. But the moments when I can taste a word, but can’t remember it. When I know I’ve forgotten something, but can’t remember exactly what I forgot it tears me down a little. (this fact being one of the few reasons I cried during Dory- the one thing she could remember was that she would forget everything). But one thing I remember constantly, is when Cub told me to keep at it. The more I try, the more I use my words, or think or challenge myself, the better I’ll be able to handle it when I do feel sluggish. It’s been working, and the down moments are spread out so even though it still feels like trash sometimes.

So, even though it looks bad, and feels bad, I know that to get great increase, you have to make your way to it, and that adversity will come swinging full force. This life will give you whatever you give it, and it will give you force for the things that you want. That’s why people rather stay stagnant than change; it’s easier. But I don’t want an easy life, I want challenge, I want more. And even though I was naive, to think I could pick and choose the battles I knew I could win, the one’s being thrown at me still get the underside of my boots.

Questions

Who are you to seek understanding from others when

you have none for your self. To ask someone to wait until

—  are ready to commit. Why bother with the questions or

—r promises of change, knowing it’s a façade to keep

—r pain at bay.

Do the drugs feel better than her love? Fill

a space you can’t seem to fill, for real? That temporary high, the

smoke, the snort, the needle, the pill. Was it better than her

hands rubbing, caressing, giving you something real?

Will it be worth losing her, worth the lies, and secrets, knowing

you broke the deal.

Does it feel right, knowing you keep things from her, when the goal

is to be come o n e. Or in your mind is it just an empty shotgun.

Is her heart as cold as you think, if it is why do you bother giving her

your own, when you think she has nothing to give you in return.

Do you think she will stay? That love is enough for her to turn her

eyes the other way.

At adulthood,

There’s this idea that we just want to hold on to our high school years. Maybe not the act of actually being in school, but the ability to have less responsibility and have as much fun that we want. I know people, now, who still live life like they’re teenagers. They have responsibilities, but their lack of foresight has caused them significant lack in their own lives.

But why?

This question has been on my mind heavily.

What causes us to lose focus? To stay so stagnant that by the time we peak our heads out we are years behind all the people we used to enjoy spending time with; minus the few still “having fun”.

Fear?

But what is more fearful than losing the one you love because you are inadequate? Than no one wanting to be with you because they don’t want to take care of you or fix you.

What is more fearful than people looking at you, knowing you, and saying “you’ll never be more than what you are?”

But…

For those who have had limited to no success or accomplishments in life, maybe the fear IS succeeding. The idea that they could be more, could it paralyze them from growing up?

What happens to these people as they get older? Do you end up homeless? Or the son or daughter in the basement who never gets a place of their own, never holds a good job, and has nothing to claim as their own. Are they free or are do they feel caged?

What slows down their mobility?

As a doer, as someone who has been stagnant, as someone who has been afraid of success and of failing, as someone who has succeeded and failed, I wonder how people get stuck at just one of those phases. What life must be like to not know how to transition?

Can that be taught? Do we have books on that? How do you even begin to help someone who struggles in those areas without being overwhelmingly frustrated by their inadequacies?

I have so many questions.

Blinded

I listened to every dream, no matter the hyperbole. I believed each one, truly listened, not just nodding waiting for you to stop talking. I had hope, saw all the things you could be. Believed every promise, the “I’ll get clean”. 

The “this time will be different,

I won’t keep making the same mistakes,

I don’t take you for granted, I can’t make

it without you, I want us in a better

place”
When I’m there, I remind you of

all the things you’re not, of all the

plans I thought we’d make, yet I’m

the only one making them; that was

my first mistake. 

“I’m just having fun” but that’s all

you’ve been doing, fun running from

your problems, like an airbender movie.

 
Me saying I love you, that I’m fighting 

to make it work, a dream to someone,

who has yet learned to truly listen, and

doesn’t understand love. What words 

can be said, after they’ve been

 said a thousand times. Destruction

ensuing with the abuse of free will and

time. 

Right Now

I’m tired because I keep putting myself into a situation I have no business being in. So many things I want to say that are going unsaid to save the feelings, ego, and pride of yet another male. Reaching the point where there is no going back. I can’t wait to be free. 

Disguise

Love is freedom, the real thing, right now just feels like barely flying with half clipped wings, made it through the storm, fought for my piece of quiet on an island of chaos and poor choice. Took off, hoping to soar, felt the circuit in the air, engorged on the wave. Yet the oil hit important things, pulled me to surface, below, sinking even as water tried to arrest it from me. Again, thought to be free, the promise of sunlight encouraged me. But it wasn’t sunlight, just the glint of a predators eyes, the flick of a weapon used to distract my true eyes, never seeing past its’ disguise. I grew gills. Who needs the sun, the air, who wants to fly when the flicker of different captures your soul. 

Like all constant lights, when there is no wane, no wax, there is no reality. It betrayed me. Attached to the fatty parts and slowly ate from me. When I realized I could barely swim, fins half eaten, belly trailing the ocean floor, whatever was left of the sinew, I remembered what it was to soar. Slowly, lifted, dragging him with me, hoping even still, instead of gills and fins, I could teach him to glide above the waves. The trickle of warmth sped my return, even though the weight was a burden. Harder he bit, my heart all that was left, I could feel the rays, knew I was almost safe. 

The surface welcomed me, sun asked where I had been, moon told me to never hide again. The rain kissed me repeatedly, it missed the flavor of my skin, the wind caressed me, filling holes retracing the pattern of who I had been. I left him. The waves pulled us apart. The elements knew, he had a piece of my heart. They knew gills would always tempt me, and my heart would falsely lead me, so his gills never changed, his focus stayed the same, before he was out of sight, he set his flicker to falsely set another aflame. 

Who you could be isn’t

who you are, would you have

me wait to see if you’ll do what

you said you’d do, remove all your

scars? Am I nothing

more than a trophy, something to

say you had the chance to polish,

was it the idea of actually

winning, or the idea of losing more

than not. What effort to wax on, wax

off, set aside into a transparent box,

just to say you own it, claim it, won

it, when other’s had tried to regain it.

Who are you?

Who do you want to be?

Do you even know, or is that also

up to me? To find where you went

left, to sow in the crevices of your heart,

love blossoming, filling, allowing you to

see clearly, through the guise that your

eyes were wide open, but when you reverted I

knew they were still sewn shut.

What I want

A lot of mistakes open your eyes to the paths worth taking. They are never really mistakes, but learning opportunities.

I’ve learned a lot, but, still, not enough.

What I know.

I know more today about what I want in a mate, more than I ever have before. Whether that be in a monogamous, or nonmonogamous relationship. And the list that I’ve developed is as follows:

  1. integrity – super important to me. In the broadest and most finite sense of the word. So much is captured in a man who has GOOD integrity. You know that he’s loyal, honest, forth coming. You know that he has good work ethic, because a man with GOOD integrity, works in excellence. It is a matter of honor, of his acts being his representation, his reputation, and it sets him apart from others around him.
  2. Character goes hand in hand with integrity, not much more needed.
  3. Affectionate – I love me a clingy man. And by clingy I mean, “baby what’s on your mind, I miss you, I haven’t seen you in a few days, what you wearing, what’re you doing I want to take you out” texts/calls everyday type clingy. Not I’ll sit outside and wait for you to get home everyday type, there is a line. I don’t want to be suffocated, but I want to see with your actions that you care. Although I can be a weird one and want to be up under you all day (just not everyday lol).
    1. A lot of people say this is a contradiction, but I disagree. Everyone has their limits when it comes to how much contact, affection, attention, conversation they want with their mate.
  4. Ambition – “you gon love me for my ambition” I haven’t had a lot of experience with being with an alternate who was as ambitious as me, or more ambitious than me; I want that. I’m usually the dominate figure when it comes to that, and I want someone, who knows what they’re doing, to lead me. To take the reigns and show me how to get to the next level. BUT you have to be there or going there with some success on your path for it to make sense for me to follow you. I can’t take advice from someone who is under my level; that makes sense right?
  5. Clear Priorities – it is so important for me to be with someone who doesn’t always run to me when I want them to, you shouldn’t have that much free time. Not at this age, we’re in the building stages right now. Sometimes you NEED and SHOULD be telling me no because you’re handling business to make sure that we’re good in the long run. Add GOALS to this one as well. Similar to priorities but more about the long term, the what, and the how to get to the what. Which leads me to one of my bigger things.
  6. FORESIGHT – If you can’t see your future, I won’t be in it. If you don’t have direction for yourself, you cannot possibly create a niche for me, add me, or develop a more specific path/journey/lane for us to travel in. Foresight is the grandmaster. Without it, your priorities mean nothing, and your goals will never come to fruition. How can they when you don’t see, can’t see, the steps or actions needed in order to make forward movement happen?
  7. SURPRISES! – I never thought I liked flowers, and cute little trips, or thoughtful little gifts (and I mean little, I have a hard time excepting big things), but I ADORE them. I haven’t really gotten to experience someone really planning something to appreciate me, but I look forward to the day because the way I’ve been speaking it into existence…ya girl is ready. I find that it’s not about the money for me. It’s about the fact that you said “man, she’s been holding me down, supporting me, dusting me off when I mess up, encouraging me, and getting me right. Let me show her a lil something”. A ride to my favorite place, a walk at the park, a picnic (where there aren’t a lot of bugs cause you know I hate them mofos), a book I’ve been waiting for with my favorite wine, even a hot bath, massage, and a cooked dinner when you invite me over for a movie. Shoot, you can buy strawberries and chocolate, melt that chocolate, and make me some homemade and inexpensive chocolate covered strawberries…buy me roses. I never liked them before this year, now, love them.
  8. Secure – Know that if you don’t think you’re good enough to be with me, you aren’t, and no matter what I say to tell you, you are, you will never believe until YOU believe it. I love security, but that’s also something I haven’t gotten a lot of, and I’ve found that it has opened me up to being more insecure and that’s something I can’t abide by.
  9. A grown man.
    1. All in all, I want someone who knows when to heed my voice, and someone whose voice I can heed and take solace in. The alpha in me, needs another alpha, I can’t do betas and I can’t do average. I NEED alpha to thrive, otherwise I will get stagnant and unhappy. That alpha will push me. Guide me. Keep me safe. And make sure I know when to be quiet and learn.

Mistaken

All you wanted was for someone to love you for you, but you hid behind the make up of someone well put together, lied with your eyes, with secrets; the words unspoken. What you needed, you received, still not enough for you to leave the past to die, falling to your knees, you let the beast ride, tumbling from the path where you wanted to be, the blindness, blood loss, mental fatigue led you to crawl upon the brambles.

Her voice spoke softly, her hands caressed, attempted to pull you, wipe your eyes, allow your head to rest upon her breast. Just for you to wake, pull at her hair, enter her mouth and yoke her heart from it’s strings. Starved you feed, mind in a haze, knowing only that you wish to be full; that she makes you full.

Not enough, you take her eyes, even as she holds sight for the end of your journey, who you could be, would be if you changed course, let go of the beast, and walked on your own two feet. Not enough, your hands in her womb, the life she was ready to give, you pull until a tunnel of life sheds a skin. Like a rabid thing, you drink until there is no yoke.

Your 4 eyes, belly full of life, those feet you couldn’t stand on, gain strength. How could they not.

The Pressure

to always have to explain the questions that were never asked,

but the attitude I felt, the backlash, the reclusive nature of the dream.

to repeat why love is given, and how happiness has no figure yet,

it’s never enough, albeit when it’s over that’s all one ever wants.

to say it’s okay even when it’s not because the mind is a terrible

thing to hurt, waste, deceive, and yet you deceived me.

to not give up every time you overreacted and sucked the air from

my lungs, to replace with frustration and strangulation.

to lying in bed with saline painting new paths, almost

engraving over the old one’s. New boos old news.

to letting go when saying the truth is no longer enough, when

all the words mean nothing, because the actions are stuck.

to asking over and over, what do you want, and patiently waiting

for an answer that was “I don’t know”.

to sitting up and hearing your dreams, speaking of plans, and watching

you do absolutely nothing.

to strain, that ache and pull, a familiar friend, a friend I didn’t

want to ever see or feel again.

to the corruption of love, to the pressure.