I talk a lot about feelings, love, patience, learning, and how to be a better person. These areas consistently are shifting in my life. I imagine it’s because of the level of importance they hold in my life. Living a life that was surplussed with love in some areas, and devoid and corrupt in others, has led me on this journey on learning to love the right way. I have few great examples of how love is supposed to be done; my grandparents being the main two and one (as a unit and then as two individuals). My grandfathers love is quiet. You never hear it, but you see in his actions that it’s there. No matter what I need, car problems, house problems, prayer, he’s available to me. Until I got older I didn’t even realize how accessible he was/is to me; I took it for granted. My grandmother, or mother, depending on who I’m talking to, is my greatest hair pull and deepest source of love. In many ways I am more of her than my biological mother (her daughter). The depths of my heart are limitless to the people I love; just like her. The width of my sensitivity, and want to be understood and cared for are unmatched; JUST LIKE HER. I literally don’t know where they end. She is everything. Literally. She gave me my first car, paid for me to go to Howard Community College (where I was able to kick butt and get 3 degrees in 2.5 years), she helped me pay rent and buy food when I went to Salisbury University, and to this day just randomly will call and say “baby do you need some food or money”. I get emotional when I think about it because there is no way I would have been able to achieve all the things that I have without her. Shoot, she even paid for me to go to driving school!

Loving me comes with a price. I know this. I’m hard man. Even with all that sensitivity, getting me to be soft, getting me to be affectionate, it is HARD; especially for my blood family (and boyfriends – but that’s a whole other post). I don’t know what age it started, but it was/is incredibly noticeable to her. She’ll say “I miss you” and I’ll be oblivious and say “I’m right here” and her eyes just get sad. I have tears filling my eyes writing this because I hate that my coldness hurts her. I have this guard around my family that I struggle with CONSTANTLY. I’m distant, and when I am around, I have to make effort to be thawed out. My energy immediately goes on lock down, and for the life of me, I just can’t figure out why! It’s a goal of mine, this year, to thaw out permanently. I want to be able to go around my family and glow the way I do around everyone else. I want to stop cringing when they go to touch or hug me. I want them to see that I love them versus just hearing me say it.




out, fly back to when it started, zoom

in to that smile you had when your conversations

seemed to go on and had no end, remember the nights, where

you stayed up to look at each other, to touch, rewind,

it was a different time, everything slid from your tongues, now

bamboo under your nails can’t get you to talk, pincers pulling,

barely anything to grab, yet you try, you want to hear the

laughter again.


Random questions

Who do you love more. 

The idea of being loved, or actually loving yourself 

Because when you’re treated not as you should, when your expectations aren’t met, what are you willing to sacrifice to feel what those precious moments give you. 

Do the actions match the words you hear? 

How many chances do you give before you realize every chance is taken for granted. Because once you say it the first time, it’s not a mistake, they are making a choice. 

How long do you try. At what point is your happiness, the love you deserve, and your peace matter more than having someone?  

Everybody has choices. 

Our responses are our responsibility. 

Every time the name arises, I steal artery to ventricle away. 

Try to keep it all separated. 

Turning into mystery and misery. 

Drunk thoughts

Truest words

Compulsion to try something new

But you’re stuck on what was


Which is she, who am I 

Unmatched patterns, pulling to find silver lining  

Doubt planted, seeds growing, roots settling. 

Too tired to fight it. Why pull the weeds

It will be what it will be

Fuck me. 


The paranoia consuming any positive thought. Fear of the unknown and days of unspoken concerns. I’m running in circles. Within the maze I try to find the truth. To find the right way but there isn’t one. Broken latches that held it all together become more unhinged, you try to slow it down. Before the point of no return. Before there’s nothing to return to. How can you. You don’t know the truth. 

Morning Thoughts

People often have excuse after excuse for why their life is the way it is. Or like to say that they’re being a poor friend or family member because they have the proverbial “lot going on” (but honestly who doesn’t?). I’ve been blessed to have friends, framily (friends that are family), and family who acknowledge their own decisions and how they have consequences. Recently I have emotionally cut a few individuals from my life. One an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I considered framily, but soon learned that relationship was one sided. Both of them have a lot in common. This intense obsession to be concerned with what others think of them, while also sabotaging how people will think of them. Both refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes and how those mistakes and decisions have placed them where they are in life. I look back at all the time I’ve invested in them, and I remind myself in all things there is a lesson. Mine, you can only help someone as much as they will allow. And when that help turns into enabling or a crutch, you HAVE to change the situation, either with boundaries, or removing yourself altogether. After spending years trying to cultivate these relationships, of trying to support, I let them go. To be honest the pain was terrible. More so for the friend than the ex, but still, it was hard. I cried for days, never getting angry, but just this overwhelming sadness that someone who claimed to love me could do certain things and then lie to my face about it. But the lessons I’ve taken away from the last, almost decade of “friendship” and the brief romantic flame, have been amazing. I can see some areas I definitely need to improve upon, and more than anything, I am grateful to learn that there are some deep running faults I need to heal and repair.

One thing I find that really makes me a good person, is that I am willing to see where I went wrong in a situation, and apologize for it. Not just apologize but try to see what behavior and thoughts led me to do the wrong thing so that I can work on it. I am self-reflective (have to shoutout my friendmate (friend + soulmate) Gian for that), and the growth I get from that has been astronomical compared to the pain I’ve felt from bad choices I’ve made. Even in these two relationships, I really sat down and analyzed all the things I did wrong, not them, but me. 


Because my response, my thoughts, my actions, are the only thing in this world that I am responsible for. So even though the ex continues to be a thorn in my side, I try to rise above. I try to control the rage and absolute “slap a b****” in check; don’t get me wrong, it’s the most difficult thing in my life right now; barring health issues. But the struggle is worth it, my patience when this is over, working with the assumption I continue to be positive and act in a way I would be proud of, will be immaculate. So, remember, take responsibility for your part and portion, and do what you can to improve regardless of the situation or the actions of others. No one said it would be easy, but nothing worth having or doing is. The outcome is ALWAYS worth it when you do the right thing!

Begin to End 

They want you to do what’s best for you until that best excludes them, leaves them behind, or can’t be satisfied by just them. When you need more because everything you had is destroying you, so you have no option but to start over or die as more pieces of yourself are razored away into faux stretch marks. When your own hands need to be left behind because they leave marks of darkness across your “perfect skin”, and your mind needs to be left behind because it tells you everyday you’ll never make it without jumping off the edge, without burning everything around you to the ground, or without watching as everything melts like crayons under the Las Vegas Sun. 

Bleeding until it’s all mixed. Into something beautiful? Something abstract? Something that hardens and becomes twisted from the original rainbow of beauty? The most beautiful things can turn into something you don’t recognize when the damage becomes too much, when the paper holding it together weakens, the beauty leaks out, oils stain the paper, even when what made it beautiful is gone, it’s never forgotten. How can it be when that’s the only reason it was ever wanted. 

What is this twisted thing, feet dangling, hands gripping the rail, mind miles down searching the ground for answers never found. How long to hit rock bottom, to begin again or embrace the end. To rise again or leave the splatter of color trailing into the sea and soaking the fallen leaves. 

Don’t want the world to know I’m by myself…don’t want the world to know I’m on your shelf…There’s no coloring around us anymore

– Coloring by Kevin Garrett

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