Do you still say the things you used to say, that I helped you every time you needed it, or am I only known as the devil who broke your heart. When you think past the last few months is it shrouded in you current disdain, the love that was shared is it tainted, can you even touch it again. Do you tell them I tricked you, that you never had a choice, are they the fools who believe you, or do they see your pain and allow you the lies. I wonder all the time, the web that you spin, always the victim, never the victor who wins. It’s always someone’s fault, someone who isn’t you, I wonder if it’s to the point that you’re lying to you too.
“having a hard time for accepting you for the things you do”
You remind me of my father, not in a good way.
You remind me of the ice that sets in when he makes a mistake; no flexibility, no desire to change.
You remind me of
the times he called me stupid, and she stood by and watched my face crumble in pain, yet made no move to console me, reaffirm me; love me.
the few times he said he loved me, but when it mattered he hurt me more instead of helping me heal.
the times he realized he was wrong, but never apologized.
You mostly remind me of the wall I never learned to get through.
of love half given, half shown, never fought for.
I wanted you to remind me of anyone but him.
I feel like a lot of things are out of my control. Things that I want complete control over. And while I am aware that total control is a fallacy, my life has functioned thus far with me being able to steer at least a few things.
I was on vacation for about a week and in that time – the lives of the people closest to me have ben upturned, and I was nowhere to be found in terms of support. More than anything, this is eating me up. I feel helpless in a way that I haven’t in a long time. I would like to say I’m handling it well, but I’ve done nothing but cry all day.
I know I want to grow – I want to be a better person, but I also would like for all the hardships to not happen at one time. I want a break between getting my heart broken, cutting people off, and seeing people who say they love me utterly disappoint and abandon me. I want a moment to just be happy beyond a week of escape through paradise. And I want the people around me to have the same. I want them to have a break – I want them to be happy, and right now – this isn’t the case. A lot of my framily is suffering in the worst ways, and I want to fix it all. I want to suck it up in for them and make it better, and I can’t. I can’t do anything, and that is debilitating.
But…because there is always a but!
I know it will get better. Life is funny that way. We go through these trying moments, seasons, and phases that feel impossible, and every single time we make it out, things seem so much more feasible and we are that much more powerful. Not because we almost didn’t make it, not because we faltered, and even fell; but because we saw it through – highs and lows – to the end and we made it. So while my tears today seem plentiful, a flower in me will bloom because of it.
I remember how it used to feel to think about you, the giddiness and warmth that would spread through me – even after months – I couldn’t get enough time with you or thinking of you – now – it’s fleeting – that feeling – filtered down through situations that caused mistrust and disgust – started to waiver and get lost trying to understand the reasons why – realized reasons are lies we tell ourselves to make things okay – I won’t lie to me – they say the truth will set you free – but truth and trust are the beginning of all beautiful things – the gateway to love is closed – the keys lost….not lost but discarded for moments of pleasure – not a mistake – a mistake happens once – a choice was made – a choice I wasn’t apart of – no thoughts of me nor warmth spread – no moments stopped to think of the destruction from boarding trust and truth away.
I forget a little more each day, the feel of your hands on my face, not the feeling it gave me, but the lines of your fingerprints, creating friction across my lips and face.
I look at photos of you, from before, and it feels like another piece of my ventricle is closed off. I wait for the dull ache, but the feeling burns. Memories tainted every time I go back to use them to hold on, but all I hear is “was this the real you”. Who is the real person, how real are you with me? Things I never questioned before you betrayed me. Slow and long I’m suffering, because now we don’t speak, when before hours couldn’t pass without you wanting to hear from me, days never passed that you didn’t call to hear my voice, I don’t remember what you sound like, smell like, taste like. You’re foreign to me, like an amnesia, waking from a long sleep, thinking you’d be there, yet I’m always alone, I gave up thinking I’d hear, “I’m home”, the moment is gone.
I miss you all the time, you think I don’t, maybe you don’t think of me at all, but I think of you, every single day, not for a second, but for minutes, sometimes I have to tell myself to think of something else because I can’t stop remembering how good things were when we had them; even when they weren’t really that good. You thought I didn’t love you, because I liked someone else too. You’d come home and not speak, just eat, wine, and tv. What kind of growth or healing could we have like that, barely speaking, never seeking. You gave up on life, say what you want, but I saw it in your eyes, how could I love you, and be happy, when you didn’t love yourself? These questions I always ask myself, what else could I have done to help. I fed you, made sure you had a place to move, gave you enough money to pay for a semester or two of school, and I wasn’t the only one, your father helped you too, but you liked to leave out these details, it’s why I stopped trusting you. You burrowed in your mind, made it up on who I was to you. Forgetting all the sacrifices I made, and all the pain you’d brought me, you just said fuck me. You left me with debt, bills unpaid, collections screaming your name, money you owe me, yet you refuse to speak. What type of man are you? To love a woman the way that you do? Fill her head with all these promises, just to leave at the first sign of turbulence. I wonder all the time, what I did to deserve the pettiness and I realize for you, I stopped believing. My biggest sin is I no longer saw your potential, I didn’t see the man I thought you could be, I just saw a bum, looking for his next score. That’s still all I see, and it hurts, because you meant so much more to me. Even still I love you, although I try so hard not to.
I talk a lot about feelings, love, patience, learning, and how to be a better person. These areas consistently are shifting in my life. I imagine it’s because of the level of importance they hold in my life. Living a life that was surplussed with love in some areas, and devoid and corrupt in others, has led me on this journey on learning to love the right way. I have few great examples of how love is supposed to be done; my grandparents being the main two and one (as a unit and then as two individuals). My grandfathers love is quiet. You never hear it, but you see in his actions that it’s there. No matter what I need, car problems, house problems, prayer, he’s available to me. Until I got older I didn’t even realize how accessible he was/is to me; I took it for granted. My grandmother, or mother, depending on who I’m talking to, is my greatest hair pull and deepest source of love. In many ways I am more of her than my biological mother (her daughter). The depths of my heart are limitless to the people I love; just like her. The width of my sensitivity, and want to be understood and cared for are unmatched; JUST LIKE HER. I literally don’t know where they end. She is everything. Literally. She gave me my first car, paid for me to go to Howard Community College (where I was able to kick butt and get 3 degrees in 2.5 years), she helped me pay rent and buy food when I went to Salisbury University, and to this day just randomly will call and say “baby do you need some food or money”. I get emotional when I think about it because there is no way I would have been able to achieve all the things that I have without her. Shoot, she even paid for me to go to driving school!
Loving me comes with a price. I know this. I’m hard man. Even with all that sensitivity, getting me to be soft, getting me to be affectionate, it is HARD; especially for my blood family (and boyfriends – but that’s a whole other post). I don’t know what age it started, but it was/is incredibly noticeable to her. She’ll say “I miss you” and I’ll be oblivious and say “I’m right here” and her eyes just get sad. I have tears filling my eyes writing this because I hate that my coldness hurts her. I have this guard around my family that I struggle with CONSTANTLY. I’m distant, and when I am around, I have to make effort to be thawed out. My energy immediately goes on lock down, and for the life of me, I just can’t figure out why! It’s a goal of mine, this year, to thaw out permanently. I want to be able to go around my family and glow the way I do around everyone else. I want to stop cringing when they go to touch or hug me. I want them to see that I love them versus just hearing me say it.