Vacuum

I feel so empty.

Empty and tired.

Tired of what feels like a constant barrage.

Tired of barrages.

Barrages that don’t give me a second of rest.

I know.

That’s life, there will always be something.

Sand

I’m at the bottom of a river
Watching
Too low to know the direction of the stream
At the edge of a waterfall
Too close to think
Drowning

You aren’t a bad person, I probably will never think that, but you did give me less than I deserved more often than you should’ve. I know everyone has their moments, their days, maybe even their weeks, but yours…ours, weren’t far enough spread in between. Even with your faults, your insecurities and your hurts, I love you. It wasn’t what I thought you could be that welded you to me, it was who you were then, even if not who you are now. Did I see your potential? Of course, any good woman can, do I love your potential, I do, but not enough to stay. I made that mistake before, and I told myself it wasn’t a lesson I needed to learn again. I’m glad that I stuck to that knowledge, and made the decision to walk away. Not from you, not from being in love, but from less than what I deserve. From too many unanswered questions, issues, and broken mental habits. I walked away so I could use that energy to walk closer to myself.

Unrequited

Shame is just as real as acceptance. Even though it’s there, you also know (or you should know) you have to accept that you cannot be with the person that you walked away from. When you really accept that, and understand that change is something most people don’t truly experience, it becomes easier to loosen your grip. For me, it was knowing, or coming to understand, that even though I’m in love, this person loves me, but has no desire to be in a relationship with me or build with me. Most of my revelations or coming to grip moments are a jolt, but this was visceral. It ripped through me, poured from my eyes, and groaned from my mouth.

Paige

I watch, and I watch

I enjoy the show

Yet sometimes I wonder

What makes it different

The words are the same

That look, I’ve seen it.

How can it belong

To each

There is a lie

Between the sheets

I knew better than to believe it.

Shame

It feels shameful, to want someone back who has hurt you, but I realize it’s a human condition. Even still, the thought of (if in the smallest of chances the person you love gets help and changes) of telling your friends and family you’re trying again makes the inside of your bowels feel like a emergency mudslide. It raises questions about how they’ll look at you, talk about you, or be disappointed in you. And those thoughts are damning.

I often wonder why we’re so harsh when it comes to trying again, but I know it’s because usually people do it too soon, too fast, and without any real changes taking place. It turns into the same situation that it was before, and your friends and family then have to go through all that pain with you again. And even though it isn’t as painful for them as it is for you, it hurts them nonetheless to see someone they care about hurting.

But what does it look like in the low%? The low% where the person does change, does get help, does do better? The shame of wanting to try again, or even think about trying again is powerful. Maybe not powerful enough for you not to do it, but enough that you feel like you can’t be honest with people about how you feel. That even though they know you love this person, want the best for them, and want to be with them, it is unimaginable to them that you would actually give them a chance again.

And why?

Because they love you and they worry.

But, on the flip side of the coin…we all dream of being in that %. We want the person we love to open up to us, we want them to be repentant, we want to see consistent change. Above all, we want a chance to love the right way and have the person we love whole.

I was the person who would go back without any real change occurring. I can admit I’ve done better with it as time as progressed, but it is a weak spot for me. Therapy has helped a lot, even in the situation I’m dealing with now. I have set brackets. If those brackets, even one, are empty, there can be no thought, no mention, no reverse to this electric slide. I haven’t shared my brackets yet, but I have two people who will know them so I can be held accountable. (I also realized that even though I’ll do whatever it is I want at the end of the day, I do better when I set goals/rules/boundaries, and share them with someone I trust. SO)

Today I take that step. And albeit it doesn’t seem like a big deal, it is to me. Once the bracket is there, it can’t be changed, it can’t be modified, and if it isn’t met…well

There is no fitting in the %

South Star

I learned what I needed to from you. You were the brightest star in my sky, still my north, I just can’t allow my heart to continue being the compass.