Might As Well

be alone. Because what is the point?

People swear they love you, but when

you’re down

and out

it’s only you, you can turn to. When

your back is against the wall, and you’re

looking for someone to break

your fall, just to realize they stole the grass

to help soften the blow.

Confused by the love people claim they feel,

when anytime there’s a problem, they can’t heel.

If you, gotta do it all on your own, you might as well

be all alone.

Why stress yourself with the problems of someone else,

when they’re one of the reasons, your life got mess?

How important are they, to suck your joy, and spit on

your hope, with no recourse?

Might as well be alone.

 

You remind me of all the things I left behind, the back and forth, an unsteady load. Ready to drop, dump, explode. Dragging the happiness, the thin threads born, and set fires to destroy them, until there’s nothing more. Return to wonder, why all the scars, when every conversation is a burden or a chore. Name changes, his face placed over yours, shortened tempers, and more fights. You can’t tell me you don’t remember those nights.

Time passes, less is said, strangers in the same bed. You dream of when you knew me, I dream of never known you at all. The difference seems so small. The abyss tells a different tale. The distance no more the issue than the depth of the pain; a long trip to hell. How far can one fall and get back up again? Why fall at all, when bridges are there, yet you jump and I push you over the edge. Step by step we could’ve had it all, the lack of patience created a never ending fall.

False Pictures

The dream began with the flashing of a smile, hope pressed between tongue and cheek. a vision of deep brown. The pressing of chocolate and warmed honey, seeping into pieces that haven’t seen light. The stems caress, releasing the smell of wanton need, colors dripping upon the canvas, drops splashing, trailing along the curves. Between the land and the sea, what was found was again lost to me. Between the waves and the bed, the dream was swept away. Lost, pulled into the deep, curiosity, lack of direction pulled; until it was just too deep.

I can’t talk to you anymore, it seems to be at, but to a wall not a person, and my time seems lost. I wonder more and more, about time cashed in, never to be seen again. Maybe we were friends, or two sinners making excuses for the things we did. I sought the same thing, and lose it in the hope of what could be, never seeing what is until the thrumming of need becomes a docile pitter patter, lost rhythms into silent beats.

Questions

Who are you to seek understanding from others when

you have none for your self. To ask someone to wait until

—  are ready to commit. Why bother with the questions or

—r promises of change, knowing it’s a façade to keep

—r pain at bay.

Do the drugs feel better than her love? Fill

a space you can’t seem to fill, for real? That temporary high, the

smoke, the snort, the needle, the pill. Was it better than her

hands rubbing, caressing, giving you something real?

Will it be worth losing her, worth the lies, and secrets, knowing

you broke the deal.

Does it feel right, knowing you keep things from her, when the goal

is to be come o n e. Or in your mind is it just an empty shotgun.

Is her heart as cold as you think, if it is why do you bother giving her

your own, when you think she has nothing to give you in return.

Do you think she will stay? That love is enough for her to turn her

eyes the other way.

Disguise

Love is freedom, the real thing, right now just feels like barely flying with half clipped wings, made it through the storm, fought for my piece of quiet on an island of chaos and poor choice. Took off, hoping to soar, felt the circuit in the air, engorged on the wave. Yet the oil hit important things, pulled me to surface, below, sinking even as water tried to arrest it from me. Again, thought to be free, the promise of sunlight encouraged me. But it wasn’t sunlight, just the glint of a predators eyes, the flick of a weapon used to distract my true eyes, never seeing past its’ disguise. I grew gills. Who needs the sun, the air, who wants to fly when the flicker of different captures your soul. 

Like all constant lights, when there is no wane, no wax, there is no reality. It betrayed me. Attached to the fatty parts and slowly ate from me. When I realized I could barely swim, fins half eaten, belly trailing the ocean floor, whatever was left of the sinew, I remembered what it was to soar. Slowly, lifted, dragging him with me, hoping even still, instead of gills and fins, I could teach him to glide above the waves. The trickle of warmth sped my return, even though the weight was a burden. Harder he bit, my heart all that was left, I could feel the rays, knew I was almost safe. 

The surface welcomed me, sun asked where I had been, moon told me to never hide again. The rain kissed me repeatedly, it missed the flavor of my skin, the wind caressed me, filling holes retracing the pattern of who I had been. I left him. The waves pulled us apart. The elements knew, he had a piece of my heart. They knew gills would always tempt me, and my heart would falsely lead me, so his gills never changed, his focus stayed the same, before he was out of sight, he set his flicker to falsely set another aflame. 

What I want

A lot of mistakes open your eyes to the paths worth taking. They are never really mistakes, but learning opportunities.

I’ve learned a lot, but, still, not enough.

What I know.

I know more today about what I want in a mate, more than I ever have before. Whether that be in a monogamous, or nonmonogamous relationship. And the list that I’ve developed is as follows:

  1. integrity – super important to me. In the broadest and most finite sense of the word. So much is captured in a man who has GOOD integrity. You know that he’s loyal, honest, forth coming. You know that he has good work ethic, because a man with GOOD integrity, works in excellence. It is a matter of honor, of his acts being his representation, his reputation, and it sets him apart from others around him.
  2. Character goes hand in hand with integrity, not much more needed.
  3. Affectionate – I love me a clingy man. And by clingy I mean, “baby what’s on your mind, I miss you, I haven’t seen you in a few days, what you wearing, what’re you doing I want to take you out” texts/calls everyday type clingy. Not I’ll sit outside and wait for you to get home everyday type, there is a line. I don’t want to be suffocated, but I want to see with your actions that you care. Although I can be a weird one and want to be up under you all day (just not everyday lol).
    1. A lot of people say this is a contradiction, but I disagree. Everyone has their limits when it comes to how much contact, affection, attention, conversation they want with their mate.
  4. Ambition – “you gon love me for my ambition” I haven’t had a lot of experience with being with an alternate who was as ambitious as me, or more ambitious than me; I want that. I’m usually the dominate figure when it comes to that, and I want someone, who knows what they’re doing, to lead me. To take the reigns and show me how to get to the next level. BUT you have to be there or going there with some success on your path for it to make sense for me to follow you. I can’t take advice from someone who is under my level; that makes sense right?
  5. Clear Priorities – it is so important for me to be with someone who doesn’t always run to me when I want them to, you shouldn’t have that much free time. Not at this age, we’re in the building stages right now. Sometimes you NEED and SHOULD be telling me no because you’re handling business to make sure that we’re good in the long run. Add GOALS to this one as well. Similar to priorities but more about the long term, the what, and the how to get to the what. Which leads me to one of my bigger things.
  6. FORESIGHT – If you can’t see your future, I won’t be in it. If you don’t have direction for yourself, you cannot possibly create a niche for me, add me, or develop a more specific path/journey/lane for us to travel in. Foresight is the grandmaster. Without it, your priorities mean nothing, and your goals will never come to fruition. How can they when you don’t see, can’t see, the steps or actions needed in order to make forward movement happen?
  7. SURPRISES! – I never thought I liked flowers, and cute little trips, or thoughtful little gifts (and I mean little, I have a hard time excepting big things), but I ADORE them. I haven’t really gotten to experience someone really planning something to appreciate me, but I look forward to the day because the way I’ve been speaking it into existence…ya girl is ready. I find that it’s not about the money for me. It’s about the fact that you said “man, she’s been holding me down, supporting me, dusting me off when I mess up, encouraging me, and getting me right. Let me show her a lil something”. A ride to my favorite place, a walk at the park, a picnic (where there aren’t a lot of bugs cause you know I hate them mofos), a book I’ve been waiting for with my favorite wine, even a hot bath, massage, and a cooked dinner when you invite me over for a movie. Shoot, you can buy strawberries and chocolate, melt that chocolate, and make me some homemade and inexpensive chocolate covered strawberries…buy me roses. I never liked them before this year, now, love them.
  8. Secure – Know that if you don’t think you’re good enough to be with me, you aren’t, and no matter what I say to tell you, you are, you will never believe until YOU believe it. I love security, but that’s also something I haven’t gotten a lot of, and I’ve found that it has opened me up to being more insecure and that’s something I can’t abide by.
  9. A grown man.
    1. All in all, I want someone who knows when to heed my voice, and someone whose voice I can heed and take solace in. The alpha in me, needs another alpha, I can’t do betas and I can’t do average. I NEED alpha to thrive, otherwise I will get stagnant and unhappy. That alpha will push me. Guide me. Keep me safe. And make sure I know when to be quiet and learn.

Mistaken

All you wanted was for someone to love you for you, but you hid behind the make up of someone well put together, lied with your eyes, with secrets; the words unspoken. What you needed, you received, still not enough for you to leave the past to die, falling to your knees, you let the beast ride, tumbling from the path where you wanted to be, the blindness, blood loss, mental fatigue led you to crawl upon the brambles.

Her voice spoke softly, her hands caressed, attempted to pull you, wipe your eyes, allow your head to rest upon her breast. Just for you to wake, pull at her hair, enter her mouth and yoke her heart from it’s strings. Starved you feed, mind in a haze, knowing only that you wish to be full; that she makes you full.

Not enough, you take her eyes, even as she holds sight for the end of your journey, who you could be, would be if you changed course, let go of the beast, and walked on your own two feet. Not enough, your hands in her womb, the life she was ready to give, you pull until a tunnel of life sheds a skin. Like a rabid thing, you drink until there is no yoke.

Your 4 eyes, belly full of life, those feet you couldn’t stand on, gain strength. How could they not.

The Pressure

to always have to explain the questions that were never asked,

but the attitude I felt, the backlash, the reclusive nature of the dream.

to repeat why love is given, and how happiness has no figure yet,

it’s never enough, albeit when it’s over that’s all one ever wants.

to say it’s okay even when it’s not because the mind is a terrible

thing to hurt, waste, deceive, and yet you deceived me.

to not give up every time you overreacted and sucked the air from

my lungs, to replace with frustration and strangulation.

to lying in bed with saline painting new paths, almost

engraving over the old one’s. New boos old news.

to letting go when saying the truth is no longer enough, when

all the words mean nothing, because the actions are stuck.

to asking over and over, what do you want, and patiently waiting

for an answer that was “I don’t know”.

to sitting up and hearing your dreams, speaking of plans, and watching

you do absolutely nothing.

to strain, that ache and pull, a familiar friend, a friend I didn’t

want to ever see or feel again.

to the corruption of love, to the pressure.

 

Relationships: 2

Communication.

Labels.

Ironic, how without labels, it seems the communication is where it needs to be. Equally more ironic, is how complicated communicating gets once a label is added to the equation. Often makes me wonder why even get into a relationship. Why not just stay friends.

The guessing games get old, the passive aggressive comments, posts, or attitudes get old. Everything that doesn’t actually HELP the situation, but adds more stress, is old. I’ve been down that route so many times with old relationships that I’ve realized, finally, I don’t have the tolerance for it. Never really have, yet I allowed myself to continue dealing with it. Among the many other things I allowed myself to deal with, after my last go around of lessons learned, I knew that communication and trust are literal BASICS.

Without those two things, what’s the point? And if you can’t be honest, if you can’t talk, if you can’t explore an issue with your partner, then why be with that person. Why not be with someone you can talk to, even when it’s hard, even when it’s frustrating? I mean, I get it. I honestly do. People assume that I love real communication. That I love handling things head on, but in all reality I HATE IT. I simply suck it up and DO IT because it is NECESSARY. I don’t LIKE conflict, I’m just good at working through it. People automatically assume that means you like it, and that you always want to deal with it.

I dislike it so much I don’t even know how to appropriately express it, but do you know what I dislike even more? Hard feelings, spitefulness, lack of communication, and passive aggressive bs that prolong simple issues (or even big issues). Just suck it up, say what needs to be said, and handle it. This is for dating relationships and other relationships, I just don’t get why people can’t see that clearly.