Morning Thoughts

People often have excuse after excuse for why their life is the way it is. Or like to say that they’re being a poor friend or family member because they have the proverbial “lot going on” (but honestly who doesn’t?). I’ve been blessed to have friends, framily (friends that are family), and family who acknowledge their own decisions and how they have consequences. Recently I have emotionally cut a few individuals from my life. One an ex-boyfriend, the other someone I considered framily, but soon learned that relationship was one sided. Both of them have a lot in common. This intense obsession to be concerned with what others think of them, while also sabotaging how people will think of them. Both refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes and how those mistakes and decisions have placed them where they are in life. I look back at all the time I’ve invested in them, and I remind myself in all things there is a lesson. Mine, you can only help someone as much as they will allow. And when that help turns into enabling or a crutch, you HAVE to change the situation, either with boundaries, or removing yourself altogether. After spending years trying to cultivate these relationships, of trying to support, I let them go. To be honest the pain was terrible. More so for the friend than the ex, but still, it was hard. I cried for days, never getting angry, but just this overwhelming sadness that someone who claimed to love me could do certain things and then lie to my face about it. But the lessons I’ve taken away from the last, almost decade of “friendship” and the brief romantic flame, have been amazing. I can see some areas I definitely need to improve upon, and more than anything, I am grateful to learn that there are some deep running faults I need to heal and repair.

One thing I find that really makes me a good person, is that I am willing to see where I went wrong in a situation, and apologize for it. Not just apologize but try to see what behavior and thoughts led me to do the wrong thing so that I can work on it. I am self-reflective (have to shoutout my friendmate (friend + soulmate) Gian for that), and the growth I get from that has been astronomical compared to the pain I’ve felt from bad choices I’ve made. Even in these two relationships, I really sat down and analyzed all the things I did wrong, not them, but me. 


Because my response, my thoughts, my actions, are the only thing in this world that I am responsible for. So even though the ex continues to be a thorn in my side, I try to rise above. I try to control the rage and absolute “slap a b****” in check; don’t get me wrong, it’s the most difficult thing in my life right now; barring health issues. But the struggle is worth it, my patience when this is over, working with the assumption I continue to be positive and act in a way I would be proud of, will be immaculate. So, remember, take responsibility for your part and portion, and do what you can to improve regardless of the situation or the actions of others. No one said it would be easy, but nothing worth having or doing is. The outcome is ALWAYS worth it when you do the right thing!


Might As Well

be alone. Because what is the point?

People swear they love you, but when

you’re down

and out

it’s only you, you can turn to. When

your back is against the wall, and you’re

looking for someone to break

your fall, just to realize they stole the grass

to help soften the blow.

Confused by the love people claim they feel,

when anytime there’s a problem, they can’t heel.

If you, gotta do it all on your own, you might as well

be all alone.

Why stress yourself with the problems of someone else,

when they’re one of the reasons, your life got mess?

How important are they, to suck your joy, and spit on

your hope, with no recourse?

Might as well be alone.


You remind me of all the things I left behind, the back and forth, an unsteady load. Ready to drop, dump, explode. Dragging the happiness, the thin threads born, and set fires to destroy them, until there’s nothing more. Return to wonder, why all the scars, when every conversation is a burden or a chore. Name changes, his face placed over yours, shortened tempers, and more fights. You can’t tell me you don’t remember those nights.

Time passes, less is said, strangers in the same bed. You dream of when you knew me, I dream of never known you at all. The difference seems so small. The abyss tells a different tale. The distance no more the issue than the depth of the pain; a long trip to hell. How far can one fall and get back up again? Why fall at all, when bridges are there, yet you jump and I push you over the edge. Step by step we could’ve had it all, the lack of patience created a never ending fall.

False Pictures

The dream began with the flashing of a smile, hope pressed between tongue and cheek. a vision of deep brown. The pressing of chocolate and warmed honey, seeping into pieces that haven’t seen light. The stems caress, releasing the smell of wanton need, colors dripping upon the canvas, drops splashing, trailing along the curves. Between the land and the sea, what was found was again lost to me. Between the waves and the bed, the dream was swept away. Lost, pulled into the deep, curiosity, lack of direction pulled; until it was just too deep.

I can’t talk to you anymore, it seems to be at, but to a wall not a person, and my time seems lost. I wonder more and more, about time cashed in, never to be seen again. Maybe we were friends, or two sinners making excuses for the things we did. I sought the same thing, and lose it in the hope of what could be, never seeing what is until the thrumming of need becomes a docile pitter patter, lost rhythms into silent beats.


Who are you to seek understanding from others when

you have none for your self. To ask someone to wait until

—  are ready to commit. Why bother with the questions or

—r promises of change, knowing it’s a façade to keep

—r pain at bay.

Do the drugs feel better than her love? Fill

a space you can’t seem to fill, for real? That temporary high, the

smoke, the snort, the needle, the pill. Was it better than her

hands rubbing, caressing, giving you something real?

Will it be worth losing her, worth the lies, and secrets, knowing

you broke the deal.

Does it feel right, knowing you keep things from her, when the goal

is to be come o n e. Or in your mind is it just an empty shotgun.

Is her heart as cold as you think, if it is why do you bother giving her

your own, when you think she has nothing to give you in return.

Do you think she will stay? That love is enough for her to turn her

eyes the other way.


Love is freedom, the real thing, right now just feels like barely flying with half clipped wings, made it through the storm, fought for my piece of quiet on an island of chaos and poor choice. Took off, hoping to soar, felt the circuit in the air, engorged on the wave. Yet the oil hit important things, pulled me to surface, below, sinking even as water tried to arrest it from me. Again, thought to be free, the promise of sunlight encouraged me. But it wasn’t sunlight, just the glint of a predators eyes, the flick of a weapon used to distract my true eyes, never seeing past its’ disguise. I grew gills. Who needs the sun, the air, who wants to fly when the flicker of different captures your soul. 

Like all constant lights, when there is no wane, no wax, there is no reality. It betrayed me. Attached to the fatty parts and slowly ate from me. When I realized I could barely swim, fins half eaten, belly trailing the ocean floor, whatever was left of the sinew, I remembered what it was to soar. Slowly, lifted, dragging him with me, hoping even still, instead of gills and fins, I could teach him to glide above the waves. The trickle of warmth sped my return, even though the weight was a burden. Harder he bit, my heart all that was left, I could feel the rays, knew I was almost safe. 

The surface welcomed me, sun asked where I had been, moon told me to never hide again. The rain kissed me repeatedly, it missed the flavor of my skin, the wind caressed me, filling holes retracing the pattern of who I had been. I left him. The waves pulled us apart. The elements knew, he had a piece of my heart. They knew gills would always tempt me, and my heart would falsely lead me, so his gills never changed, his focus stayed the same, before he was out of sight, he set his flicker to falsely set another aflame. 

What I want

A lot of mistakes open your eyes to the paths worth taking. They are never really mistakes, but learning opportunities.

I’ve learned a lot, but, still, not enough.

What I know.

I know more today about what I want in a mate, more than I ever have before. Whether that be in a monogamous, or nonmonogamous relationship. And the list that I’ve developed is as follows:

  1. integrity – super important to me. In the broadest and most finite sense of the word. So much is captured in a man who has GOOD integrity. You know that he’s loyal, honest, forth coming. You know that he has good work ethic, because a man with GOOD integrity, works in excellence. It is a matter of honor, of his acts being his representation, his reputation, and it sets him apart from others around him.
  2. Character goes hand in hand with integrity, not much more needed.
  3. Affectionate – I love me a clingy man. And by clingy I mean, “baby what’s on your mind, I miss you, I haven’t seen you in a few days, what you wearing, what’re you doing I want to take you out” texts/calls everyday type clingy. Not I’ll sit outside and wait for you to get home everyday type, there is a line. I don’t want to be suffocated, but I want to see with your actions that you care. Although I can be a weird one and want to be up under you all day (just not everyday lol).
    1. A lot of people say this is a contradiction, but I disagree. Everyone has their limits when it comes to how much contact, affection, attention, conversation they want with their mate.
  4. Ambition – “you gon love me for my ambition” I haven’t had a lot of experience with being with an alternate who was as ambitious as me, or more ambitious than me; I want that. I’m usually the dominate figure when it comes to that, and I want someone, who knows what they’re doing, to lead me. To take the reigns and show me how to get to the next level. BUT you have to be there or going there with some success on your path for it to make sense for me to follow you. I can’t take advice from someone who is under my level; that makes sense right?
  5. Clear Priorities – it is so important for me to be with someone who doesn’t always run to me when I want them to, you shouldn’t have that much free time. Not at this age, we’re in the building stages right now. Sometimes you NEED and SHOULD be telling me no because you’re handling business to make sure that we’re good in the long run. Add GOALS to this one as well. Similar to priorities but more about the long term, the what, and the how to get to the what. Which leads me to one of my bigger things.
  6. FORESIGHT – If you can’t see your future, I won’t be in it. If you don’t have direction for yourself, you cannot possibly create a niche for me, add me, or develop a more specific path/journey/lane for us to travel in. Foresight is the grandmaster. Without it, your priorities mean nothing, and your goals will never come to fruition. How can they when you don’t see, can’t see, the steps or actions needed in order to make forward movement happen?
  7. SURPRISES! – I never thought I liked flowers, and cute little trips, or thoughtful little gifts (and I mean little, I have a hard time excepting big things), but I ADORE them. I haven’t really gotten to experience someone really planning something to appreciate me, but I look forward to the day because the way I’ve been speaking it into existence…ya girl is ready. I find that it’s not about the money for me. It’s about the fact that you said “man, she’s been holding me down, supporting me, dusting me off when I mess up, encouraging me, and getting me right. Let me show her a lil something”. A ride to my favorite place, a walk at the park, a picnic (where there aren’t a lot of bugs cause you know I hate them mofos), a book I’ve been waiting for with my favorite wine, even a hot bath, massage, and a cooked dinner when you invite me over for a movie. Shoot, you can buy strawberries and chocolate, melt that chocolate, and make me some homemade and inexpensive chocolate covered strawberries…buy me roses. I never liked them before this year, now, love them.
  8. Secure – Know that if you don’t think you’re good enough to be with me, you aren’t, and no matter what I say to tell you, you are, you will never believe until YOU believe it. I love security, but that’s also something I haven’t gotten a lot of, and I’ve found that it has opened me up to being more insecure and that’s something I can’t abide by.
  9. A grown man.
    1. All in all, I want someone who knows when to heed my voice, and someone whose voice I can heed and take solace in. The alpha in me, needs another alpha, I can’t do betas and I can’t do average. I NEED alpha to thrive, otherwise I will get stagnant and unhappy. That alpha will push me. Guide me. Keep me safe. And make sure I know when to be quiet and learn.


All you wanted was for someone to love you for you, but you hid behind the make up of someone well put together, lied with your eyes, with secrets; the words unspoken. What you needed, you received, still not enough for you to leave the past to die, falling to your knees, you let the beast ride, tumbling from the path where you wanted to be, the blindness, blood loss, mental fatigue led you to crawl upon the brambles.

Her voice spoke softly, her hands caressed, attempted to pull you, wipe your eyes, allow your head to rest upon her breast. Just for you to wake, pull at her hair, enter her mouth and yoke her heart from it’s strings. Starved you feed, mind in a haze, knowing only that you wish to be full; that she makes you full.

Not enough, you take her eyes, even as she holds sight for the end of your journey, who you could be, would be if you changed course, let go of the beast, and walked on your own two feet. Not enough, your hands in her womb, the life she was ready to give, you pull until a tunnel of life sheds a skin. Like a rabid thing, you drink until there is no yoke.

Your 4 eyes, belly full of life, those feet you couldn’t stand on, gain strength. How could they not.

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