I love the way you feel

Late night thoughts and memories flashing to remind me of when we were beautiful. The husk of what remains barely held together as we both pull away. I sit and remember the way you’d always want your hands on me, maybe to make sure I was real, the same way I could kiss you all day, your mouth the perfect feel.

I miss that like it was ripped away from me a phantom limb I’m longing to see. I wish we could go back. To before I had feelings and less selfishly before it hit you. Hit you that you actually liked me. That you wanted more of me, even if I wasn’t ready for what you were ready for. What you thought you were ready for. In reality, when it got good, got more real you pushed me away. Put your hands in front and told me to pick but both hands were empty.

I thought, maybe this is short term, things will be back soon, but one month turned to two, three, four, and my soul is dragging trying to carry everything I thought we would be. Because I’d never had hope before but when I did, once I did, you shut me out. Little by little whittling the fire out of me. The surety I’d grown to have that you would protect me, nourish me, lead me where we needed to be.

Every time I sit. Every time I think of how much that hope cost me I want to scream. It seems like all I want to do these days is scream.

Disposable

I carve out the pieces he had claimed, removing trace amounts of his scent from my skin. Begging, to once again, forget the feel of his heat sinking in. I put my hand through my chest, screaming out “do you hear me now?”. Anger bubbling over while pain fights to take lead. Struggling not to swallow my tongue; all of my unsaid things.

It’s always so easy. For them.

Maybe there’s a lesson to learn. To abandon ship, as patches get fixed, so it can wreck itself ashore. Leave it, while it drowns, fire spreading, thunderous sounds. Deafening to those close, but to him, a quiet night.

Blurry

used to be clear, understood everything as is

but these days it feels like sinking sand.

Can’t get my footing, trying to take it slow,

standing still leaves sand in my mouth.

No point in reaching out, it was leaning in

the wrong direction that led me here. Depending

on someone else, thinking they knew where we

were going, but they’re blind, maybe double

vision led to taking the wrong fork in our road.

I Wonder

How long do I pay the price for

the sins she committed, do I keep

turning to the other cheek, until

you’ve slapped the skin to the meat.

What else, do you need to take from me,

just for you to believe what you see, or

do you already believe, simply refusing to

accept what’s been growing from the seed

hard to believe, as it may be, the feelings

you take for granted, were hard for me.

But, how could you know, or see, when

it’s never really me you’re seeing.

Just the reflection or shadow of who

you had, who you were, when you were

drowning, before me.

https://open.spotify.com/track/1jSsZv7ln3hhPhSoFTkV2R?si=ibLEwVvzRameri5vpDnQtg

It hurts when you say it

Needle

You use me, to fill the void from what another destroyed, not just to fill but to show yourself that you’re capable and that you’re real. Because how could she not love you, and cherish what you gave, were you not who you thought you were, was it all a dream, you used to read…nah, but I know what you think. is it a fools game, having escaped so much pain from a home we wanted to fill with the people who wanted nothing more but to stay high on our love. Only when needed, when their pain was too much, when the holes got too big, when their egos couldn’t fill or give them the bump that they need.

Foam

The feel of you washed over me, not quite a wave, crashing and shifting the sand beneath it, but a gentle tumble after the wave has made it’s presence known and the sea welcomes it home.

Reminder

I remember the previous things that hurt me, and the people who did it.

I remember how much they didn’t care or change their behavior, but

I don’t remember that with you, in these moments when things go left, you

listen, and when you mess up and apologize it’s true change.

You tell me, when I do forget, that you aren’t him, that you have things at

stake, that it’s me you want to find, and not the pearl for which others dive.

You remind me every day, in some small way, I can trust you, that you see me,

and that you want to take care. Whether we make it or not, you are the reminder I

needed.

self

I betrayed myself falling in love

Not because of the love but the subject

I gave and was still willing to give, until there was

a deficit within me. I gave up me just to have a feeling

a feeling I can give myself when I take the time to see me

Bigger Dreams

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Regret

I go back and forth daily. Trying to get to a place where I don’t go back and forth at all. Fighting to get every part of you out of me, my mind, and my body. It is a curse. I am haunted. Haunted by the what if’s, the why’s, the maybe’s. I don’t want any of it, yet every room I enter, every pull of my heart, and every song reminds me. It flashes your face before me and pulls more of my soul into hell. Burning with desire, love, and hatred. I write about it every day. How many ways can I say I love you, that I miss you, that it hurts?