Hollow

When it hits me, anything that hurts, anything that causes my heartbeat to accelerate and my palms to get clammy, or my breath to catch, I want to call you, and cry or yell about it. I want to bear all of my pain and feel all of your pains just as strongly. Learning to be okay crying to myself, screaming and listening to those screams echo off uncaring walls because how can I with anyone else anymore.

Not okay

Most days it’s okay, but some days I’m so hollow I can’t seem to figure out how to fill the void. I just know one exists. I’m learning that with my mental illness these moments are crucial and can lead to me spiraling out or losing my footing. Just acknowledging that helps me stay grounded. I find I have the hardest time when I want to be okay and I’m not all the way there. I get impatient with myself, but. When I allow myself to just feel, it doesn’t overwhelm me.

I remember you wanted me in frames on the wall, to see me when I was gone. It never happened. I remember you wanted to show me what I was missing, why you were the best, well better than the previous. That slightly happened. I remember when you told me, you’d never betray me, my trust, or my love and what we stood for. That definitely happened. I remember a lot, more than what I’d like.

It hurts

That you love me as much

As you do, but won’t show

Me in the way I need, since

It isn’t the way you want.

I wish you loved me with

The same intense desire I

Love you. Because I’d move

Any immovable force to make

You happy.

Often I wonder why I hold my tongue, then i set it loose, and my stomach turns, as the words returned aren’t the ones yearned. Of course, expected, as intuition always knows, nothing has changed, no point in high hopes.

Sleepless

I miss you most at

night, when I want to

drift, but am sunken within

memories. Wishes, dreams, seeking

some form of relief, visions plague

me. I can almost smell your skin or

what it used to smell like because,

I have no idea what you smell like

anymore. The feeling of your arms

wrapped around me, a perfect

safety net, neck and shoulder kisses,

soft and gentle whispers, I love you.

The soft breathes as you drift, harder

pulls as you swim deeper, the way

you toss and turn, yet take me with

you, bodies never disconnecting, how

can I bare sleeping alone when a part

of me is missing.

Burned

I wanted to feel
Thought it would be a gift
Yet somedays I miss the cold
The numbness right between the change in a flame.