It feels like every time I have to detach, the same things I did the previous time don’t work. I wonder if it is the same for everyone else. That each time someone slowly distances themselves from you, creates space, or even abruptly ghosts you. Do they all hurt the same or does it get worse each time? Does it change based on how much you care about the person or how much you invested. How do we really calculate how much something is going to hurt; can we?
If there was a way to figure it out. A calculated way to tell if the path with someone would equate to a certain level of pain with the knowledge of how long it would last, would you take it? They have a Black Mirror episode about this. I’m such a romantic, and while there is nothing romantic about knowing if your relationship will survive and thrive, I would still rather know. It’s not like I’m not a fight-for-love type of gal. I put my all into it, and maybe that’s my downfall; the curse as it were.
The romantic in me has a hard time with leaving until I’ve really given it the best I have. I think it may have been within the last 3 years that I learned to have boundaries. I learned what I’m willing to fight for and when I’m willing to walk away and in that time, it saved me from some false starts. But then I fell in love. I’ve spent the last few weeks my heart breaking because of the current space I’m in.
I feel abandoned, not worth fighting for, not worth growing with, and it’s painful. Every day is painful. I make a genuine effort not to ruminate or revert, but when a part of you is missing, there is no distraction big enough. The fighter in me has never understood how it’s so easy for them to discard me. To walk away, talk less, dissolve thousands of nerves while the weight of the loss leaves me crawling toward salvation.
It’s not that I don’t want this process to be successful, fulfilling, and overall amazing. It just feels crazy the way it’s happening. Watching it from afar, seeing all these people have the joy, happiness, and connection I’ve lost. Seeing vices take control and the numbness take over when I had faith and hoped so hard for the opposite. And it’s not just about what I feel I’ve already lost, and what it feels like I lose more and more by the second. It’s seeing how the path is heading in a scary place and I’m not there, or wanted anymore so there is no helping or supporting.
You can’t fight that.