Break

Betrayals are apart of life; no one is exempt. Even knowing this, we all have at least one person we feel will never betray us.

He was one.

But.

He stole from me. Stole my trust. Stole my peace. He took away things I have yet to fully process.

When I think about it, anything from that day, I feel the tightness in my stomach. I feel my eyebrows pull together, and the ache in my skull. I feel the walls closing in. And I have to remember. This day isn’t that day.

Seeing his face breaks my heart. I can’t even imagine trying to hear his voice, and that, that is hard to accept. I counted on him more than I counted on ANY man in my life.

He never failed me. Never lied to me. Never abandoned me or made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. If I could’ve loved him, the way I now realize he loved me, I would’ve.

A part of me feels deeply responsible. That I should’ve known. Should’ve seen it or noticed the signs. But I didn’t. And as I do any time a man hurts me, I blame myself to remove some of the weight from them and the devastation that they’ve caused me.

I want to deal with it, but I don’t honestly know how. I feel trapped in the moments. I feel the fear all over again and I feel paralyzed. Jokes are made about it and I force a fake laugh, but in reality, I just want to scream.

But that’s life.