I wonder often what decisions I make, that lead me somewhere I don’t want to be, and why I make them. I’m sitting at my desk, fighting more tears because I’ve swallowed so much anger and frustration over the past month that I can barely swallow spit. I feel like I’m a second away from losing control and lashing out, my chest feels heavy, my throat hurts, my eyes burn, and I am pissed.
I ask myself, why, when my instincts tell me something, do I go against them? Why do I try to reason with my gut reaction and feelings? I’ve done this time and time again, and EVERY time I’ve done it – I’ve dealt with/suffered major stress emotionally and mentally. Now it’s affecting me physically. I’ve been so stressed out since I moved that I’ve been in a skin flair up (the first one I’ve had). I’m breaking out on like 75% of my body, and anyone who knows me knows how destructive that is for me. So on top of all the other stress, I now get to add the stress of my body not functioning the way it should be or looking the way I am used to it looking.
I’m having a hard time with balancing these feelings because most of them are negative. I spent weeks trying to find silver lining, trying to be positive and keep moving in grace, but today I just want to snap. I don’t give a single care about grace, about kindness, about positivity. Am I acting on those feelings, no, but I can’t keep swallowing them either.
I feel like nothing has changed. I left one situation where I felt like I didn’t have freedom, to get into another situation where I don’t have freedom. I don’t have complete control over my routine or how I want to move about my day and with my time. I have limits on things that, as an adult, I shouldn’t have limits on, and once again I’m stuck.
But I did this to myself. So how do I fix it, because just saying okay is no longer working. Trying to stay in the other positions shoes has done nothing but leave my own feelings and needs neglected. I want to hibernate, I want to not be for a few days and just get a break so I can get back on track. But that’s not how life works.
When it rains it pours, and you just have to figure it out as you get bogged down with the pressure of everything falling down onto you.
Wanderer 