Throughout today, and the last few days, I’ve thought of a few interesting ways to start this post, but I feel like the best way is to just say what needs to be said. Although I’m sure my therapist has had my diagnoses for some time, my past session we actually discussed them, and I have to say, I wasn’t happy. I’m still not happy, but I’m a little bit more understanding. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD, anxiety, and seasonal depression. The depression wasn’t really a surprise, nor was the anxiety. It was(is) the PTSD that really threw me off because of all the things that I was comfortable being diagnosed with, that was not one of them. To be honest, it left me feeling ‘less than’ the person that I’ve grown to see myself as. More than anything it was accepting that, that small thought in the back of my head was right. But it was also accepting that I have to deal with certain things, and desperately need to heal.
I guess it makes sense. I’ve been on this kick the last month to really grow. Grow my money, my relationships, my goals; everything. Of course I didn’t include my mental health, I figured a few more months of therapy and I’d be all set. The idea that I’m looking at years, is daunting, and frustrating. I never wanted to be that person. I love supporting that person, showering them in love, sending them positivity, but on the flip side, I don’t find myself worth receiving those things in return.
It’s a battle against self. Against my own thoughts, habits, and coping mechanisms. It’s acceptance, anger, sadness, and still some denial. It’s a lot of things, that I’m just starting to unpack. Right now, I feel defeated, like I’ll never grow, or get better, but I know those feelings won’t last long, and I know this won’t be the last time I feel them. So, for now, I’m focusing on the things I can change, and trying to stress less, the things I can’t.
Wanderer 